SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 04/16/77: Brezhnev’s NBC Deal


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Brezhnev’s NBC Deal

Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Colonel…..Dan Aykroyd
Female Aide…..Gilda Radner
Phil…..Bill Murray
Aide…..Neil Levy
Leonid Brezhnev…..John Belushi

[ open on Herb Goodman at a black-tie conference to meet Leonid Brezhnev ]

Herb Goodman: Colonel? We just ran right in from the affiliate’s dinner, so perhaps we’re not up-to-date on the latest details. What is this about Marshal Brezhnev wanting to back out? I thought we had a deal! The National Broadcasting Company has agreed to pay, in exchange for all videotape rights — visual and sound — to the 1980 Moscow-held Olympics to the Soviet People’s Sports Tribunal, the sum of eighty-million American dollars. Is that right?

Colonel: Good. Plus — I have a plus — plus, the Army of the Soviets gets all videotape recording equipemtn and locations — cameras, lights, trucks, screens.

Phil: [ whispering ] Herb, I’m not sure that’s within the parameters which the NBC Board outlined to us…

Herb Goodman: Phil, this is the greatest deal in the history of television. I’m not gonna blow it over a few lousy minicams.

Female Aide: Gentlemen! Please agree! Marshall Brezhnev will be returning shortly!

Herb Goodman: Okay, Colonel, you’ve got your equipment.

Colonel: Good! Good!

[ an Aide enters ]

Aide: Excuse me. Excuse me. Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the bathroom.

[ Brezhnev enters the room wiping off his pants leg ] [ everyone takes a seat at a large table ]

Herb Goodman: Colonel, I guess you can tell Marshall Brezhnev that we have a deal?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Brezhnev: Nyet!

Colonel: No! He says no deal! He has additional demands.

Phil: [ nervously ] Additional demands? Herb, I thought we covered everything…?

Herb Goodman: Colonel, please correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we already agreed to all of your terms?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ] [ Brezhnev uses his finger as a rocket and mimes a nuclear explosion ]

Female Aide: He is saying he will go home and push the —

Herb Goodman: Yes, yes, I think I know what he means. What else can we do for him?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: He says he would like to see more detailed operation of your network, inside.

Phil: I’ll set up a studio tour for him.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Brezhnev: Nyet! Nyet!

Colonel: He wants to be on television.

Herb Goodman: I have no problem with that, Phil.

Phil: When?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: The night before the SALT talks.

Herb Goodman: Well, I’m sure Programming would JUMP at that!

Phil: Yeah, but I can foresee some very heavy resistance from Legal on this…

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ] [ Brezhnev again mimes a nuclear explosion ]

Herb Goodman: Well, I’m sure we can arrange something. Phil, give Network News a call, maybe he can do an hour with Chancellor.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: No, no, no — no Chancellor!

Female Aide: He says he wants to go to Coast!

Brezhnev: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Colonel: He wants to be on Johnny!

Herb Goodman: Phil, call Freddy in L.A. — tell him to book Soviet Party Leader Brezhnev on Carson.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Female Aide: Wait! Wait! He says he doesn’t want to be on last fifteen minutes of program!

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: He says… he wants to be on with Johnny! No guest hosts! No David Brenner! No McLean Stevenson!

Female Aide: Is also, he says, he wants special guest: Clint Eastwood!

[ Brezhnev mimes shooting pistols ]

Phil: Herb… you know he could guest host.

Herb Goodman: That’s a GREAT idea, Phil! [ quietly ] Look, we’re in a position here to save the world. [ tp Brezhnev ] YOU on Johnny! Johnny! And heeeeeeeeeeere’s… Leonid!!”

[ Brezhnev hums the “Tonight Show Theme” and mimes swinging Johnny’s invisible golf club ]

Colonel: Good!

Herb Goodman: Well? Well? Well? Do we have a deal?! Do we have a deal?!

Colonel: Good! We’ve got a deal!

[ Brezhnev leans in to translate to his Female Aide ]

Female Aide: Oh! Also… he would very much like to say:

Brezhnev: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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