Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 19
76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind
Brezhnev’s NBC Deal
Herb Goodman…..Elliot Gould
Colonel…..Dan Aykroyd
Female Aide…..Gilda Radner
Phil…..Bill Murray
Aide…..Neil Levy
Leonid Brezhnev…..John Belushi
Herb Goodman: Colonel? We just ran right in from the affiliate’s dinner, so perhaps we’re not up-to-date on the latest details. What is this about Marshal Brezhnev wanting to back out? I thought we had a deal! The National Broadcasting Company has agreed to pay, in exchange for all videotape rights — visual and sound — to the 1980 Moscow-held Olympics to the Soviet People’s Sports Tribunal, the sum of eighty-million American dollars. Is that right?
Colonel: Good. Plus — I have a plus — plus, the Army of the Soviets gets all videotape recording equipemtn and locations — cameras, lights, trucks, screens.
Phil: [ whispering ] Herb, I’m not sure that’s within the parameters which the NBC Board outlined to us…
Herb Goodman: Phil, this is the greatest deal in the history of television. I’m not gonna blow it over a few lousy minicams.
Female Aide: Gentlemen! Please agree! Marshall Brezhnev will be returning shortly!
Herb Goodman: Okay, Colonel, you’ve got your equipment.
Colonel: Good! Good!
[ an Aide enters ]Aide: Excuse me. Excuse me. Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the bathroom.
[ Brezhnev enters the room wiping off his pants leg ] [ everyone takes a seat at a large table ]Herb Goodman: Colonel, I guess you can tell Marshall Brezhnev that we have a deal?
Brezhnev: Nyet!
Colonel: No! He says no deal! He has additional demands.
Phil: [ nervously ] Additional demands? Herb, I thought we covered everything…?
Herb Goodman: Colonel, please correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we already agreed to all of your terms?
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ] [ Brezhnev uses his finger as a rocket and mimes a nuclear explosion ]Female Aide: He is saying he will go home and push the —
Herb Goodman: Yes, yes, I think I know what he means. What else can we do for him?
Colonel: He says he would like to see more detailed operation of your network, inside.
Phil: I’ll set up a studio tour for him.
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]Brezhnev: Nyet! Nyet!
Colonel: He wants to be on television.
Herb Goodman: I have no problem with that, Phil.
Phil: When?
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]Colonel: The night before the SALT talks.
Herb Goodman: Well, I’m sure Programming would JUMP at that!
Phil: Yeah, but I can foresee some very heavy resistance from Legal on this…
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ] [ Brezhnev again mimes a nuclear explosion ]Herb Goodman: Well, I’m sure we can arrange something. Phil, give Network News a call, maybe he can do an hour with Chancellor.
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]Colonel: No, no, no — no Chancellor!
Female Aide: He says he wants to go to Coast!
Brezhnev: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!
Colonel: He wants to be on Johnny!
Herb Goodman: Phil, call Freddy in L.A. — tell him to book Soviet Party Leader Brezhnev on Carson.
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]Female Aide: Wait! Wait! He says he doesn’t want to be on last fifteen minutes of program!
[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]Colonel: He says… he wants to be on with Johnny! No guest hosts! No David Brenner! No McLean Stevenson!
Female Aide: Is also, he says, he wants special guest: Clint Eastwood!
[ Brezhnev mimes shooting pistols ]Phil: Herb… you know he could guest host.
Herb Goodman: That’s a GREAT idea, Phil! [ quietly ] Look, we’re in a position here to save the world. [ tp Brezhnev ] YOU on Johnny! Johnny! And heeeeeeeeeeere’s… Leonid!!”
[ Brezhnev hums the “Tonight Show Theme” and mimes swinging Johnny’s invisible golf club ]Colonel: Good!
Herb Goodman: Well? Well? Well? Do we have a deal?! Do we have a deal?!
Colonel: Good! We’ve got a deal!
[ Brezhnev leans in to translate to his Female Aide ]Female Aide: Oh! Also… he would very much like to say:
Brezhnev: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”