Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 19
76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind
The Coneheads At Home
Phone Company Technician…..Elliot Gould
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Merkon…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]
[ doorbell rings twice, before Phone Company Technician shows himself in ]
Phone Company Technician: Hello? Phone Company – anybody home?
[ Conehead Family poke their heads out from the hall ]
Coneheads: Greetings!!
[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]
Phone Company Technician: Is this the Con-Ed residence?
Connie Conehead: Conehead, man! The name is Conehead! I am Connie. These are my parental units, Belda and Prymaat.
Phone Company Technician: Yeah.. right.. well, okay. You wanted a phone installed on the premises?
Correct. In fact, we need several of the devices.
Phone Company Technician: Well, how many did you have in mind?
35!
Phone Company Technician: 35? You want 35 separate extensions?
Correct! Are you capable of supplying this number?
Phone Company Technician: Well, I don’t know, Mr. Conehead. I’ll have to check to see how many sets I have in my truck. Why do you need so many?
We need them! We’re from France!
Phone Company Technician: Oh.. yeah.. Well, I’ll be right back..
[ Phone Company Technician exits house to truck ]
Beldar Conehead: It is most unfortunate that the human arrived as we were receiving vital communication impulses from our home planet Remulak.
Connie Conehead: Yes, Daddy. You must return to the Monotron, and continue to absorb the message impulses.
Beldar Conehead: Young One – at times you are wise. Although, I cannot dig your whole.. bag.
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! Return to the Monotron crystal! Connie and I will assume household maintenance activities.
[ Beldar exits room ]
[ Prymaat and Connie begin to vacuum the floor, making a lot of noise but getting few results ]
Connie Conehead: This particle collector is most inefficient.
Prymaat Conehead: [ turns vacuum off ] Correct. It is another example of human technology. If you want to do something right, use your own cone!
[ Prymaat unhooks the vacuum hose, sticks it in her mouth, then proceeds to suck up the dirt with a high-speed force ]
[ Phone Company Technician re-enters house, armed with phones ]
Phone Company Technician: Okay. Where do you want them?
Connie Conehead: Mommy. Tell the human where you want yours.
Prymaat Conehead: I need all 14 wall units in the food preparation chamber, and 11 here in the central reception area!
Connie Conehead: And, also, please, install 10 pink Princess phones in the sleep chamber, modeled to accomodate a pubescent human female. Okay, man?
Phone Company Technician: Yeah, well.. I think I can get that together.
Connie Conehead: I reallly think you’re cute!
[ Beldar rushes into the room ]
Beldar Conehead: Vital communication from Remulak!! Vital communication from Remulak!!
[ Beldar picks up the signal ]
Beldar Conehead: It seems that Merkon, the messenger of the High Master, is coming here. The Monotron indicates that a star cruiser has already entered the Earth’s atmosphere!
Phone Company Technician: [ confused ] Merkon? Remulak?
Prymaat Conehead: [ quickly ] Remulak! A small town in France!
Connie Conehead: [ panicking ] Yes, um.. Merkon.. uh.. uh.. our Uncle Merkon from France!
Prymaat Conehead: Yes!
Phone Company Technician: Well.. I guess I’ll just hop along upstairs and start to install these phones. [ exits upstairs ]
Beldar Conehead: Human.
[ doorbell rings ]
Beldar Conehead: It is Merkon. [ opens door ]
Merkon: Greetings! I am Merkon! I’ve got the crystal of the High Ruler!
[ Conehead family touch cones ]
Beldar Conehead: Please sit. Our young one will prepare mass quantities of food and drink for you to consume.
[ Merkon sits ]
Beldar Conehead: How are things back home on Remulak?
Merkon: Oh,
Beldar Conehead: High quality?
Merkon: Mmm.. the best. Nice, real color.
Beldar Conehead: Did the Blackfarbs win the Protoid Bowl?
Merkon: No. The Baltonians kicked their cones! [ laughs ]
Beldar Conehead: I trust you will be able to stay with us for at least a decade?
Merkon: Oh, no time. I must leave immediately – this year!
Beldar Conehead: And, how is the High Master?
Merkon: The High Master demands an explanation, Beldar! When you left Remulak, you were instructed to seize all major radio and television! And warn the people of Earth that we would be taking over their world!
Beldar Conehead: Correct. I was to inform them that we would be the timekeepers from the planet Remulak, we would remain here for seven centuries, that Earth weapons were useless against us, we would destroy them if they did not comply.
Merkon: Well, I ask you, what happened?
Beldar Conehead: [ hesitant ] I lost the speech I was supposed to make.
Prymaat Conehead: We had a speech prepared: “People of Earth, we are the timekeepers of the planet Remulak. Your weapons are useless against us.” He lost the rest of it – the part with the instructions, times, dates, places, the orders for the U.N.
Merkon: Enough! Enough! The plans for the conquest of Earth has been nullified by your actions, so you are to remain here for another 125 Earth years! Then you will be transferred to the Moons of Meepzor.
Beldar Conehead: Meepzor?
Prymaat Conehead: 125 Earth years? We’ll have to start packing soon.
Merkon: Yes.
[ Connie re-enters with cart of food ]
Connie Conehead: Merkon, we invite you to consume mass quantities.
Beldar Conehead: Pizza.
Merkon: Pizza?
Connie Conehead: Pizza. Yes. Starch disks with vegetable matter and lactate extract of hooved mammals, sprinkled with fish flesh.
Merkon: Mmm, fish flesh?
Beldar Conehead: Anchovies.
Merkon: Oh! Well, I’ll have the starched disks with no anchovies.
[ they begin to eat, as Phone Company Technician comes down the stairs ]
Phone Company Technician: Uh, Mr. Conehead, I’m sorry to bother you.. but I’ve installed eight of those Princess phones in your daughter’s bedroom.
Merkon: Princess phone?
Connie Conehead: Princess phone. A glamourized, electronic telecommunicatiom device. Humans often use labels of royalty, in a mas product appeals technique. Examples: King Burger, Queen Sized, and the Princess Phone.
Prymaat Conehead: The devices are useless to us, except that the bonding polymers in the paint are a nutritional delicacy.
Merkon: [ holds up senso-rings ] Oh, uh, by the way.. I found these under the luminescant waterbed while I was installing the phones in your daughter’s room..
Beldar Conehead: [angst-ridden ] Aggghhhhh!!! Connie! Connie! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! Where did you find the senso-rings!
Connie Conehead: Uh.. I found them in your sleep chamber..
Prymaat Conehead: Your cone is too young to know the senso-ring! Go to your sleep chamber without consuming mass quantities! Go!
Beldar Conehead: Go!
[ Connie retreats from the room, but stops to coax the Phone Company Technician to toss the rings upon her cone ]
Merkon: [ continuing to eat ] Mmm.. do you want me to tell you about the Protoid Bowl?
Beldar Conehead: Yes.
Merkon: It was a big, big, big upset, my friend.
[ Phone Company Technician begins tossing the sensor rings onto Connie’s cone ]
Connie Conehead: Ohhhh.. ohhhh.. baby, oh baby, oh baby..
[ zoom out to fade ]
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