SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 04/16/77: United Face Bank


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

United Face Bank

Joan Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Eldo Johnson…..Garrett Morris

[ open on close-up of a weird, faceless human being ]

Joan Crawford: Meet Kenny Rowland. Like most of Americans every year, little Kenny was born without a face. It’s not too late to save Kenny, but we need your help.

[ actress Joan Crawford enters the frame ]

Joan Crawford: Hi, I’m Joan Crawford, speaking for the United Face Bank. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have a face? Sort of like this, I suppose:

[ screen goes black, before returning to Crawford ]

Joan Crawford: Not very much fun, is it? Little things we take for granted — things like eating, seeing, hearing, smelling, talking, singing, laughing, breathing. These are all things the faceless never know. All they know is the world of tube — lots and lots of tube. Here’s someone who can tell us about that world, someone whose face transplant allowed him to become a top, professional football star: Eldo Johnson, of the Miami Dolphins.

[ Eldo steps forward. He’s a black man with a little white face sewn onto the front of his head ]

Eldo Johnson: [ obviously reading from cue cards for the first time ] Thank you, Joan. I used to… think… that I would never have a face… but United Face Bank gave me a new lease… on life… when… uh… I was fortunate enough to receive one from an eleven-year old white girl… Scarlett… killed in a rock fall. Admittedly, I might have preferred the face of a black, adult male… but they did the best… uh… they could with what they had.

Joan Crawford: Yes, Eldo, but soometimes, as in your case, their best JUST wasn’t good enough!

Eldo Johnson: [ whispering ] Hey, Joan, uh, you think they might have a black one, now? I mean, could I — you mind if I poke around in the fridge a little bit?

Joan Crawford: [ she smiles ] Go right ahead!

[ Eldo opens a refrigerator, filled with blank, staring faces in formeldehyde jars ]

Joan Crawford: [ chuckles ] Yes, only YOU can make a difference between despair and hope. Only YOU can provide the chance for a better life. Of course, funds are urgently needed, but, more importantly, I’m asking you to give of yourself. Help little Kenny put on a happy face! [ she smiles off into space, before finally turning towards Eldo ] Did you find anything?

Eldo Johnson: [ holding a jar ] Well, the closest I could come up with is, uh, uh, a Phillipino schoolteacher. [ he puts it back in the fridge ] I don’t know what I want…

[ slow zoom onto the contents of the fridge, as the accompanying SUPER appears: ]

Announcer: Support the United Face Bank. People without faces never have a nice day.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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