SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 04/16/77: United Face Bank

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

United Face Bank

Joan Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Eldo Johnson…..Garrett Morris

[ open on close-up of a weird, faceless human being ]

Joan Crawford: Meet Kenny Rowland. Like most of Americans every year, little Kenny was born without a face. It’s not too late to save Kenny, but we need your help.

[ actress Joan Crawford enters the frame ]

Joan Crawford: Hi, I’m Joan Crawford, speaking for the United Face Bank. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you didn’t have a face? Sort of like this, I suppose:

[ screen goes black, before returning to Crawford ]

Joan Crawford: Not very much fun, is it? Little things we take for granted — things like eating, seeing, hearing, smelling, talking, singing, laughing, breathing. These are all things the faceless never know. All they know is the world of tube — lots and lots of tube. Here’s someone who can tell us about that world, someone whose face transplant allowed him to become a top, professional football star: Eldo Johnson, of the Miami Dolphins.

[ Eldo steps forward. He’s a black man with a little white face sewn onto the front of his head ]

Eldo Johnson: [ obviously reading from cue cards for the first time ] Thank you, Joan. I used to… think… that I would never have a face… but United Face Bank gave me a new lease… on life… when… uh… I was fortunate enough to receive one from an eleven-year old white girl… Scarlett… killed in a rock fall. Admittedly, I might have preferred the face of a black, adult male… but they did the best… uh… they could with what they had.

Joan Crawford: Yes, Eldo, but soometimes, as in your case, their best JUST wasn’t good enough!

Eldo Johnson: [ whispering ] Hey, Joan, uh, you think they might have a black one, now? I mean, could I — you mind if I poke around in the fridge a little bit?

Joan Crawford: [ she smiles ] Go right ahead!

[ Eldo opens a refrigerator, filled with blank, staring faces in formeldehyde jars ]

Joan Crawford: [ chuckles ] Yes, only YOU can make a difference between despair and hope. Only YOU can provide the chance for a better life. Of course, funds are urgently needed, but, more importantly, I’m asking you to give of yourself. Help little Kenny put on a happy face! [ she smiles off into space, before finally turning towards Eldo ] Did you find anything?

Eldo Johnson: [ holding a jar ] Well, the closest I could come up with is, uh, uh, a Phillipino schoolteacher. [ he puts it back in the fridge ] I don’t know what I want…

[ slow zoom onto the contents of the fridge, as the accompanying SUPER appears: ]

Announcer: Support the United Face Bank. People without faces never have a nice day.

[ fade ]

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