SNL Transcripts: Elliot Gould: 04/16/77: Elliot Gould’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Elliot Gould
…..John Belushi
…..Bill Murray

Elliot Gould: Well, hello, hello, hello! Here I am back in New York, and this is where I’m from, right?

You know, when I was a littler kid, I was told I was supposed to be a song-and-dance man on Broadway. So I did that. And whenever I come on the show, I knew the first time I’d love to sing old songs. I sang “Crazy Rhythm” and “Let Yourself Go”. And then last time, I sang “Anything Goes”, by Cole Porter. And tonight, I had planned to sing a verse of “All The Things You Are”, “Don’t Fence Me In” and “You’ve Gotta Have Heart”.

But we’ve got a better idea. I’d like to reintroduce a dance song that was the rage a long time ago and is almost forgotten now. It was written by Mr. Tommy Malone and Moe Silverfarb. Both of them gone now – God bless them. And it’s from a show called “The Gypsy Priest”, which opened in the Wintergarden Theater in the Spring of 1927, and it sent all Amercia dancing. So tonight, folks, fifty years later, I’d like to show it to you.

[ cut to graphic of exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And now, live from Studio 8H, high atop Manhatten’s famed Rockefeller Plaza, NBC proudly presents the dance craze you’ve all been waiting for – “The Castration Walk”!

[ dissolve to John Belushi, Elliot Gould and Bill Murray in tuxedo coat and tails ]

“Put your hand on your crotch
and your other one, too.
Then you give a little squeeze
and they both turn blue.
And it hurts so much you can barely talk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

“Then you hop on your foot
and you roll on the floor.
And you knock things over
and you bang on the door.
And you scream, ‘Ow! Ow!’
And you shout, ‘Awk! Awk!'”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

“Then your voice goes up
and you sound like this.
And you don’t want to hug
and you don’t want to kiss.
And you throw a little fit
and you start to squawk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk

[ John, Elliot and Bill do the Castration Dance ]

“Now you’re doing the Castration
It’s a brand new sensation.”

Bill Murray:
Well, I went to the Rabbi
and he sent me to the moil.
But the moil was clumsy
and he made me a goil!

“Now you’re doing the Castration
It will soon sweep the nation.”

John Belushi:
I was sliding down the banister
and didn’t see the ouch.
Now I feel like a kangaroo
who lost his pouch.

“Now you’re doing the Castration
it’s no cause for a nation.”

Elliot Gould: Officer, I’d like to report a jewel heist!

Together: “Now you’re doing the Castration Waaaaaaaallllkkk!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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