Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 19
Natural Causes Restaurant
Elaine Melcher…..Gilda Radner
Shelly Melcher…..Elliot Gould
[ open on interior, Natural Causes Restaurant, as Shelly and Elaine Melcher walk up and enter the empty restaurant ]
Elaine Melcher: Shelly, this is it. Oh, isn’t it lovely?
Shelly Melcher: It doesn’t look very busy.
Elaine Melcher: Well… I know, I know, but maybe people — it’s not closed, is it?
Shelly Melcher: Uh, I don’t know…
Elaine Melcher: Well, why don’t we sit here?
Shelly Melcher: Why don’t we sit down, yeah. [ they sit ] It doesn’t look like anyone’s here.
Elaine Melcher: Look! [ she holds up a pair of chopsticks ] Chopsticks! Chopsticks!
[ Jason and Sunset emerge from the kitchen ]
Jason: Welcome to the Natural Causes Restaurant! I’m Jason, and this is my old lady, Sunset. She’s really far out!
Sunset: Welcome to our space! It’s NO accident that you’ve stumbled upon our door.
Elaine Melcher: Hi! Uh — uh, we’re Shelly and Elaine Melcher. Uh, we read about the Natural Causes Restaurant in New West magazine. You know, that article, uh — “Beyond Vegetarianism”?
Jason: That was a far out article. It’s really brought us a lot of business. That was really a good thing…
Shelly Melcher: Is it okay that we sit here?
Sunset: Oh. What are your signs?
Elaine Melcher: Uh — Gemini and Pisces.
Jason: You’re at the right table, it’s perfect — perfect for your energy.
Sunset: Okay… [ points from Shelly to Elaine ] Gemini… Pisces.
Shelly Melcher: No, no, it’s the other way around.
Sunset: Oh! I KNEW it! Oh, wo-ow!
Jason: Far out!
Sunset: Like, here at the Natural Causes Restaurant, we are really, like, beyond vegetarianism. Like, we serve meat, but we don’t believe in killing it.
Jason: Dig it! Like, we feel that, like, slaughtered animals are full of fear, you know? And eating fear produces bad karma, you know? So, like, we serve animals that only died from natural causes! [ hands them a pair of menus ] Here are your menus.
Shelly Melcher: [ looking at the menu ] Well, this menu doesn’t describe what you have in the dishes. What’s, uh, the Kahutek Special?
Sunset: Oh, well, see — it changes all the time. Like, you never know what’s gonna die at any given moment.
Jason: Like, today, the Kahutek Special might be leg of lamb, because we have a sheep back in the kitcehn that’s dying of anthrax. [ to Sunset ] Do you wanna go see if it’s dead yet, Sunset?
[ they take a peek into the kitchen ]
Shelly Melcher: I don’t know if I can go through with this…
Elaine Melcher: Shelly!
[ Jason and Sunset return ]
Sunset: Ooh, bad news! Uh, the sheep’s still wheezing.
Elaine Melcher: [ reading her menu ] Um — well, uh — what’s this? What’s the Mare Baba?
Jason: Okay, the Mare Baba is, like, frogs legs on a bed of brown rice.
Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly! You LOVE frogs legs!
Shelly Melcher: [ considering it ] Where did you get them from?
Jason: I pick them up from Fairbanks High’s biology lab. You know? They’re just missing their mouth parts, you know?
Shelly Melcher: I think I’ll pass. What else do you have?
Jason: Well, how about seagull?
The Melchers: Seagull?!
Jason: Yeah, a seagull that was drowned in the Santa Barbara oil slick. Completely, you know…
Shelly Melcher: What’s the Easy Winner?
Jason: Uh… race horse struck by lightning. On stone-ground pita bread with hummis.
Sunset: Right, and prepared with love!
Sunset: Lots of love!
Elaine Melcher: Horse? Horse. Shelly, do you feel like horse?
Shelly Melcher: No, I don’t think I could eat a horse.
Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly… [ turns to Jason and Sunset ] You see, we’re a little new to this. Maybe you could recommend something?
Jason: Well, the fresh cat is very nice.
Shelly Melcher: Fresh cat?
Jason: Yeah. It was just run over an hour-and-a-half ago on Highway 1.
Shelly Melcher: [ aghast ] You mean, you use animals that were killed in traffic accidents?
Sunset: Hey! There are NO accidents!
Shelly Melcher: Well, Pasadena on the cat! Would you mind checking on that sheep again?
Sunset: Sure. [ she exits to the kitchen ]
Jason: Like, we garnish it with insects that I scrape off the windshield of my van. You know?
[ Sunset returns ]
Sunset: Ooh, wow, uh — bad news again. The sheep seems to have perked up.
Jason: Oh, wow… that’s a drag. [ a beat ] Well, what’ll it be? Frog, seagull, horse, or cat?
Shelly Melcher: [ holding up his menu ] Well, what is this, uh — Ohm Surprise?
Jason: Oh! The Ohm Surprise. Well, that’s just steak, man. You know…
Shelly Melcher: Steak? [ sarcastically ] What happened, did the cow have a heart attack?
Jason: No, man. What happened, was… one day, I was standing outside of the restaurant. Okay? And, like, this cow dropped out of the sky! You know? And, later, I found out it was this flying Mexican meat smuggler’s airplane, you know? He was being chased by the U.S. Border Patrol, he got caught on radar, and he had to jettison his cattle!
Shelly Melcher: [ incredulous ] Are you trying to tell me that you hve steak on the menu, because some flying Mexican meat smuggler, who was being chased by American feds, dropped the cow over your restaurant, accidentally?!
[ Jason shakes his head ]
Sunset: There are NO accidents!
Shelly Melcher: Hmm.
[ an airplane can suddenly be heard buzzing overhead, as a crash sounds, and a cow drops through the ceiling and hits the floor ]
Jason: So, man, how would you like your steak: rare, medium, or well-done?
[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Teenage Retirement Villages Fro Dropouts” ]
[ fade ]