Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 19
Nick “Summers”…..Bill Murray
Jane the Waitress…..Anne Beatts
Gunner Alquist…..John Belushi
Mrs. Alquist…..Gilda Radner
Skeeter Miller…..Elliott Gould
Mrs. Campbell…..Laraine Newman
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
(FADE IN on a rack of antlers and a neon “BUD” sign on the back wall of a dimly lit bar.)
Nick “Summers”: [ singing ] “I write the SONGS that make the whooole world siiiiiiing…”
(ZOOM OUT to reveal Nick singing onstage with Paul Shaffer accompanying on piano, and several patrons seated at tables.)
Nick “Summers”: [ singing ]“I write the notes and the words and ev-e-ry-thi-iiiii-iiiiing…
I write the songs that make the young girls CRY-YYYYYYYYY…
I write the songs, I write the sooo-ooongs…
I AM MUSIC! And I write the SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGS!”
(A bare trickle of applause greets his performance.)
Nick “Summers”: Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to the Zephyr Room, up at the beautiful Breezy Point Lodge at Lake Minnehonka.[laughter]
Nick “Summers”: My name is Nick Summers. Thank you. And I’m gonna TRY to entertain you for a little while, I wanna thank you once again. I want you to know that a Minnehonka summer is a fun summer. That’s what you’re here for, that’s what I’m here for, and I’m KIND of a fun guy… so let’s relax, and HAVE a little bit of fun. Say, did anybody hear a loon about 6:15, huh? [touches his ear] I did. You gotta keep your ears open.[ Paul tinkles the keys of his piano ]
Nick “Summers”: Yes, that’s what they sound like, Paul. [laughs] And if you want the kids to see some deer, get up about 6:30, and stand over by the volleyball courts, and they’ll come out, believe me.
(A waitress steps in front of Nick and holds up a tray of drinks.)
Nick “Summers”: [taking drink] Oh, for me, I bet. Thanks, Jane.
(She whispers briefly in his ear and steps aside.)
Nick “Summers”: Thank you. Jane’s just told me we’ve got an anniversary at the Breezy Point tonight, right down in front.
(CUT to a morose-looking couple at a table with a checkered tablecloth.)
Nick “Summers”: Hello, and you are Mr. and Mrs…?
Gunner Alquist: Uh, Gunnar Alquist, from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.
Nick “Summers”: Oh, welcome aboard, and, uh, Mrs. Alquist, do you still love him just as much as you ever did?
(He sticks the mike in her face as she slumps over the table.)
Mrs. Alquist: [in a monotone] Yes, I do.
Nick “Summers”: If you had it all to do over again, would you do it?
Mrs. Alquist: No.
Nick “Summers”: Is there a song that I can sing for you two?
Mrs. Alquist: NO!
Nick “Summers”: [stands back up] Well, I’d just like to say this… [ singing ] “Happy ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY, Mr. and Mrs. Gunnar Alquiiiiiiiiist… Happy ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY… tooo-o-oooo… yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu.”
(One or two people clap.)
Nick “Summers”: Thank you. I want to take this opportunity to introduce a celebrity in the audience, sitting way back there in the dark… [scans the room] I ALMOST CAN’T see you, Skeeter! Don’t you want anybody to know that you’re HERE?! The man who put the Breezy Point Lodge on the map, Lake Minnehonka’s own water-ski instructor, SKEETER MILLER! C’mon, let’s hear it!
(CUT to Skeeter clasping his hands above his head and waving.)
Nick “Summers”: He also does a heckuva job with the water show on Saturday afternoons. [steps to table] And who is this pretty young miss, Skeeter? What’s your name, Miss?
Nrs. Campbell: [snaps] Uh, that’s MRS.
Nick “Summers”: Mrs……?
Nrs. Campbell: Mrs. Campbell.
Nick “Summers”: Mrs. Campbell — oh, of course, your husband broke his ankle, he’s gonna be laid up this week. Sorry about that. But I’m awfully glad that YOU two could come, thank you for that–and be sure, everybody, to check out Skeeter’s show, or ask him to help you get up on the boards yourself, ’cause he’s a terrific–
(Nick is suddenly interrupted by Paul playing the bugle theme from the Kentucky Derby.)
Nick “Summers”: UH-OHHHHHHHHH! That’s the Catch of the Day Fanfare, which can mean only one thing, time for a special event: the CATCH of the DAY!!!
(Paul plays another fanfare as a fisherman steps stiffly onstage with a fish in his hand.)
Nick “Summers”: Here it is, the biggest fish pulled out of Lake Minnehonka today, caught by our own fishing and snowmobile guide, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.
(Jimmy drapes the fish proudly over his arm.)
Nick “Summers”: He is the best guide in the parts, no question about that–he’s got a BEAUTIFUL Chris Craft with twin Mercs. And he packs a lunch, right, Jimmy Joe?
(A man at the bar carefully touches the fish’s head.)
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: [in Native American accent] Better not touch that fish there, it’ll take yer hand right off, lookit those teeth!
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: You want one of these, ya come to the dock tomorrow with TEN BUCKS at four-thirty in the morning. I’ll get ya a couple.
(He walks smoothly offstage.)
Nick “Summers”: Okay, when he says that, he means it. I’ll tell you something, he’s an Indian, and they don’t lie. I love that. Thank you, Jimmy Joe.[laughter]
Nick “Summers”: Well, we’ve reached the audience participation part of the program. Every night at nine-thirty, we dance the Snowball, where everybody joins in. So play that song, Paul… and let the Snowball… begin.
(Paul hits a piano flourish and starts in.)
Nick “Summers”: “I’ll beginnnnn…”
(No one rises to dance.)
Nick “Summers”: The first couple on the floor will also get their picture on the cover of next week’s Breezy Point Lodge Bulletin, so ladies and gentlemen, it’s dancing time.
(CUT to the patrons sitting passively in their chair.)
Nick “Summers”: [surveying audience] Time to get UP… and DANCE.
(Nobody moves an inch.)
Nick “Summers”: Wait a minute, Paul, for a second… you know, we never do this in the Snowball Dance, but just for the heck of it, tonight let’s make this a Ladies’ Choice! Let’s dance.
(Paul plays dutifully, but no one gets up.)
Nick “Summers”: Well, I can’t believe this. This has never happened before, has it, Paul? [sticks mike in Paul’s face]
Paul Shaffer: [softly] No.
Nick “Summers”: Never has. [glances to side] Shelley? That’s surprising, isn’t it? Well, I think everyone’s probably a little bit too tired to dance tonight, anyway. So let’s all call it a night, and get up early, and let’s HOPE that those raindrops STOP falling on my head.
(Paul tickles the ivories a few seconds.)
Nick “Summers”: And look who’s clowning, do you believe this? Paul! He drives over from Ely, you know, and if you think the mosquitoes are bad here, you should see them over in Ely. The mosquitoes have license plates. And I mean that. Seriously. The deer flies have antlers! Now, get outta here! But this rain isn’t gonna hold too much longer, I’m sure of that. Well, good night, everybody, and this is Nick Summers saying, a Minnehonka summer is a fun summer, that’s what you’re here for, that’s what I’m here for. I AM a fun guy, and I hope that you had fun tonight. Say, and one more thing, I want you just to remember…[piano cue]
Nick “Summers”: [ singing ]“To siiiiiiiinnng…” [snaps fingers]That’s right–“sing a sooooooooonnnnng,
Sing it LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUD,
Sing it sharp–“
SIIIIING A SOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!
PLEASE won’t you SING ME a SONG!”
(The bar patrons finally break into decent applause.)
Nick “Summers”: [bowing] Thank you. Good night.[ZOOM OUT and PAN high above the set as the studio audience also cheers. ZOOM IN on a frizzy-haired young man in a white turtleneck sweater. SUPERIMPOSE, “GREGARIOUS LONER.” After a few seconds, he notices himself on the monitor, points, and laughs. FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Sean