Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 19
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Debbie Doody…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.
Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight: [ she turns to the side, then quickly returns to face the camera and smiles ] Just kidding! [ she laughs ]Funeral services were held this week for 82-year old chewing gum magnate, Philip K. Wrigley. In keeping with his last request, Wrigley’s remains will be stuck to the bottom of a luncheonette counter.Former President Gerald R. Ford lectured this week at his alma mater, the University of Michigan. A former football captain, he went out to Spring training to give the boys some pointers. Ford is shown here throwing a football into his hat.[ Jane chuckles ] He doesn’t even wear a hat!Well, the President’s mother, Miss Lillian Carter, was thrown into a Washington jail today. The charge: spanking the President of the United States. The 78-year old matriarch, citing the retraction of a $50 federal income tax rebate, said, “I always spank Jimmy when he breaks a promise!” [ Jane laughs ]Jane Curtin: Well, the drive against pornography districts in major cities continued to gain momentum this week, as more demonstrations were held in New York. Bill Murray was on the scene at one of them in Manhatten, and has an eyewitness report. Bill?[ Bill becomes more and more aroused as he reads his report ]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. The Citizens’ Committee to clean up New York’s porn-infested areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether region surrounding the glistening, sweaty intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-Second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty darkness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now, suddenly, the tumescent crowd and the irresistable area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then, with a gigantic, soul-searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over. Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home. Jane?
Jane Curtin: [ eyes Bill suspiciously ] Thank you, Bill. That was a very stimulating story.
Bill Murray: [ uncomfortably ] I’ll say!
Jane Curtin: The story’s over. You can leave now.
Bill Murray: Uh… no, I can’t. [ Jane grimaces ] It would be very embarrassing.
Jane Curtin: [ laughs nervously ] I see. Well, then… why don’t you relax, and, uh, have some stories. [ she passes news sheets toward him ]
Bill Murray: Thanks very much.
Mrs. Margaret Trudeau was spotted at an Ottawa dry cleaners today. The wife of Canadian Prime Minister Elliot Trudeau would give no explanatino for the trip, and refused to comment on why her husband had no accompanied her. When reporters contacted the Prime Minister and informed him of his wife’s trip to a dry cleaners, he said he had had no idea she’d even planned a trip to any dry cleaners, and it was the first he’d heard about it.
Jane Curtin: [ photo: Gov. Ella Grasso holding a Raggedy Ann doll ]Connecticut Governor Ella Grasso met this week with actress Shirley MacLaine to discuss the Equal Rights Amendment. Governor Grasso thanked Miss MacLaine for her committment and dedication, then took her home and threw her on a bed.
Well, at long last, medical science has come up with a device that completely eliminates the risk of cancer by smoking. It’s a surprisingly simple method, in which a white mouse is used as a filter, which traps all the cancer-causing agents before they are inhaled by the smoker.
Bill Murray: [ holds up a mouse smoking a cigarette ] Yes, Jane, I have one right here. And if you like to smoke and hold small animals, I think you’ll enjoy this!
Jane Curtin: [ chuckles ] Well, unfortunately, I don’t have a light, so… let’s just…
Bill Murray: I think I know the answer to that one!
Bill Murray: A medical milestone, this week, when a team of doctors in Thailand successfully joined a pair of Siamese twins, which was born separated. Having gotten this operation out of the way, the doctors’ next task will be to join two Siamese cats, so the twins can have a pet.
Jane Curtin: Tragedy struck the world of show business this week, when TV personality Howdy doody committed suicide in his Beverly Hills home. Close friend Buffalo bob, who was visiting, said the 33-year old Doody suddenly leaped from the couch and threw himself into the fireplace. Howdy left a suicide note, which read simply, “Hey, kids, what time is it? It’s time for me to die.”
Today, Laraine Newman was there at the funeral. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing outside Forest Lawn Cemetary, where funeral services have just been held for Howdy Doody. It was a solemn and star-stuffed occasion, with the former puppet’s close friends and relatives in attendance. Pallbearers included Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd, Jerry ??, uh, Knucklehead Smith, David eisenhower, and Senor Wences’ fist. Few people knew that Doody had a wife — Debbie Doody. [ looks offscreen ] I see she’s approaching me right now. Howdy, Debbie![ Debbie Doddy, clinging to strongs, bounces forward, laughing ]
Laraine Newman: Oh, I’m so sorry. I know this is a time of grief for you, Debbie, but… what’s in the future for Debbie Doody?
Debbie Doody: I don’t know!
Laraine Newman: Well, thank you for spending this time with us —[ Debbie wraps her arm around Laraine as she bounces around ]
Laraine Newman: — in your moment of… GRIEF! [ she laughs ]
Debbie Doody: Thank you! Thank you!
Laraine Newman: Back to you, Jane![ Debbie continues to wrap herself around Laraine and spin the both of them around as she bounces amid her strings ] [ return to Jane at the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: Howdy Doody, dead at 33.
Jane Curtin: And now, here’s “Weekend Update”‘s meteorologist, John Belushi, with a word about the weather.
John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. Tonight, I’d like to address myself to those of you who cannot, or are too paranoid to, go outside. The so-called shut-ins. People who really don’t know what weather is about. There’s really nothing to be afraid of. Here’s some examples of weather. Okay? Sunny. [ he flips a desk lamp on ] Warm. There’s sun. See? It’s nice, you get a tan from it there, you know? Sun. Makes plants grow. Partly cloudy. [ he waves his hand in front of the bulb ] See? Sun. Foggy. [ he covers his entire hand over the bulb ] Whoa! You can see, but it’s cloudy. Cloudy and… and… cold! [ he wraps a scarf around his neck, then covers the bulb with his hands ] Ohhh, cold! Oh, I’m cold! See that? Sometimes we get electrical storms, and that’s like this: [ he flips the lamp on and off, while making electrical sound effects ] Sometimes you get, uh, showers. [ he reaches below the desk ] Showers are like this: [ he sprays a bottle of water onto his face ] See? Or, sometimes, you have to wear a hat, you know, with showers. [ he puts a rain hat on his head, then sprays his face some more ] Oh, boy! And, sometimes, it’s cloudy with showers: [ he covers the lamp with one hand while spraying his face with the water bottle in the other hand ] And, sometimes, you know, you have to have wind: [ he turns on a fan behind him ] There’s wind! Wind and showers! [ he continues to spray water on his face ] You see? And, also, you can get — you can get hail! [ he picks up a box of mothballs and tosses them into the air ] Hail is something very strange, like this. See? Hail is like this! Sometimes you can get really hurt, it’s like: [ he slams a mothball onto the desk ] BAM!! See, sometimes you get hail, snow, wind, and then SNOW, also! [ he reaches below the desk to toss powder into the air ] This is snow, and this is hail, and this… is… rain!! [ he demonstrates all the elements in rapid-fire succession ] Okay?! And then, you get THUNDER!! [ he flips the lamp again and makes the lightning sound effects, as he maintains all the elements simultaneously ] Yeah, that’s SLEET!! You know?!
And you know something? Let me tell you something! And when you’ve got all this stuff happening — [ he smacks the fan out of view ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! When you get all this stuff happening here, you know, if you’re in an airplane? Forget it, pal! You’re as good as dead, because you don’t have a chance! ‘Cause they don’t give you parachutes! They give you an oxygen mask! But no parachutes! So, listen, I don’t blame you for not going outside! But that’s not gonna help you, either, pal, ’cause what about tornadoes? Huh? Huh?! And it doesn’t matter WHAT corner of the basement you’re in — you’re as good as dead! And a dam bust?! A dam breaks, okay? [ he takes the sprayer off the bottle and pours the water on himself ] DURING a tornado, and a plane crashes into your house! Right?! And don’t expect your insurance man to be on the spot! No, he’s no idiot! He’ll wait! He’ll make sure you’re dead, so he can keep the money! [ starts pounding the desk ] Because insurance companies own EVERYTHING in this country!! And if you don’t like it here, pal — if you don’t like the weather in this country — why don’t you go to India, huh? Go to India, where they’ve got monsoons that’ll wash your crosp away! And you’ll probably drown! And, even if you DO survive, the only thing you can eat are COWS!! BUT!! Yuo can’t eat the cows, because Nooooo!! They won’t eat the cows! NOOOOOO!!! Uh-uh!! They won’t eat ’em! They’d rather STARVE than eat a cow!! The only thing they eat is MUD and CURRY!! And I HATE curry!! I HATE curry!! I’d rather eat MUD than curry!! [ starts pounding the desk again ] I like COW FLESH and MEAT!! You know what I like? I like prime rib! I like sirloin steak! I like AMERICAN food!![ Jane tries to calm John down ] [ raising his fist ] DON’T PUSH ME, Curtin! I mean it!! [ he continues ] I like American food! yuo know, one thing I’ll never understand is why the Japanese eat raw fish! I mean, didn’t they invent the habachi?! But, NOOOOOO!!! They don’t want to do that! NOOOOOO!! Not them!! They want to eat it RAW!! They want to eat it raw, with that gooey, transparent noodle! You know! Spaghetti noodles, I can eat, as long as it’s not overcooked!
Jane Curtin: Wrap it up, John!
John Belushi: DON’T! [ he raises his fist ] I swear to God, Curtin!! [ he continues ] You know — you know what else I hate?! Mexican chili! Like, real Mexican chili! You know, man? Because it’s GREEN, you know? It’s green, and it’s real hot! It’s not like the chili I had in the cafeteria at school, which was RED CHILI, with meat and with beans!! And there was NO WAY I was gonna pay for it or eat it!! I told the waitress: “I’m not paying for this!! This is not the chili I know!! Where are the chili beans, huh?! WHERE’S THE MEAT?!! WHERE IS IT?!! Forget it, I’m not gonna pay –!!”[ Belushi violently flips his chair backwards, getting himself wedged between the news desk and the back wall of the set before pushing himself more violently and finally knocking himself to the floor with a primal scream ]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.