Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 20
Eric Idle’s Monologue
Queen Elizabeth…..Jeanette Charles
Man in Audience…..Neil Levy
Constable Ronald Quinn…..Dan Aykroyd
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eric Idle!
[ Eric Idle comes down the red-carpeted basement steps, then drops to his hands and knees to roll the carpet in a zig-zag fashion toward the home Base stage ]
Eric Idle: Ladies and gentlemen — please give a very big, warm welcome, please, to the Queen of England!
[ Idle runs back toward the foot of the basement steps, as the Queen of England steps down properly. He leads her toward Home Base, then jumps into the audience to shove a man out of his chair then raise it up to the stage for the Queen to sit upon. ]
Eric Idle: Your Majesty… Ladies and gentlemen — once in a lifetime — well, maybe twice, if you’re very lucky. Once, or twice — well, even possibly three times in a lifetime. But THREE times would be just so amazing, you know? You’d think: “WOW! THREE times in a lifetime!” You know, and FOUR would be right out of the question. Never, ever! I mean, you couldn’t rule it out statistically, of course, but, uh — you couldn’t say “NEVER four times in a lifetime”, because, obviously, statistically, four times in a lifetime is a distinct possibility. But anything above, say, four… or five times in a — start again! TWENTY TIMES in a lifetime, or so…
You are privy enough to be fortunate to be present in something so splendid, so majestic, so worthwhile… you’ll feel REALLY proud. And tonight… isn’t one of those occasions. But we are pretty thrilled to welcome TO “Saturday Night”… her majesty, The Queen. This is the first time a REAL queen has been on the show — with the exception of some of the musicians.
You know, there’s one thing we English have always loved, above all of you Americans, and that is… your money. We have a thousand-year history… you have the money. We have the literature, the poetry, the traditions… you have the money. We have the buildings, the paintings, the gardens, the palaces… you have the money. And that’s why we are here tonigt. We are going to hold a telethon for England. If you wish to plesdge money for England, an ancient charity, here is the number to ring: 555-1066.
[ SUPER: “Save Great Britain, 555-1066” ]
Eric Idle: Incidentally, the English language was, in fact, invented in England. These very worlds I’m saying to you now: “These very words I’m saying to you now” — these are all examples of words WE made up… in England… for you. Of course, a lot of them were made up by people who are dead now… but they’re still GOOD words, and you’ve been using them for a VERY long time, and… without paying any royalties. So we need your money — please call up 555-1066.
One or two apologies: the Beatles couldn’t be here. Uh, but we DO have one of the Rutles, and Clive Davis has pledged $20 if we mention his name. Thank you, Clive, we’ll take that. Could we see that?
[ Idle turns to look at the “Save Great Britain” pledge board on the back wall, as the numbers begin to spin ]
Eric Idle: There we go!
[ the spinning numbers stop on 000000020 ]
Eric Idle: Well… there’s the first bit of money that starts the ball rolling! We shall have several fundraising bits later on. At about 11:15, there will be a Smell-alike competition, where we shall introduce people who smell remarkably like other famous people, like Barbra Stresiadn, Johnny Carson, and so. If you feel that you or your friends smell like anyone famous — uh, say, like Truman Capote or Nelson Rockefeller — here’s the number to ring into: 555-1066.
And, throughout the evening, there is a Kick a Canadian competition, where volunteers from Canada in national dress, have agreed to be kicked for charity. And I’m going to ask her Majesty right now if she will formaly open this event. Could we have the Canadian, please?
[ a constable enters the stage and walks forward ]
Eric Idle: This is Constable Ronald Quinn from Toronto.
[ Quinn salutes, as Idle motions for the queen to rise ]
[ The Queen shakes Quinn’s hand, curtsies, then stands before Quin and kicks him in the groin ]
[ The Queen returns to her seat, as Quinn salutes and slowly collapses from the pain ]
Eric Idle: Members of the audience who wish to kick the Canadian for a dollar for England, please come forward during the rest. Also, keep those pledges coming in, and we will be right back after this message!
[ Idle proceeds to kick Quinn across Home Base, as we fade ]