Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 20
Soldier ….. Eric Idle
Prisoner ….. Bill Murray
[A dungeon. A British SOLDIER is pacing across the room, trying to interrogate an Irish PRISONER who sits tied to a chair next to a table with two potatoes, an electrode machine and a French fry slicer.]
Soldier: Tell me what I want to hear!
Prisoner: You gets nothing from me, you English swill!
Soldier: [persuasive] Look, be reasonable, mate, just answer those three questions, I’ll give you a cigarette, I’ll give you some food, a big brimming bowl full of Lucky Charms, wouldn’t that be nice?
Prisoner: You’re wastin’ your time, slimey Lime!
Soldier: [slaps prisoner on the face] That’s “Limey slime,” you uneducated hick scum! Very well, I didn’t want to do this … but you leave me no choice. In direct violation of all civilized moral codes, I am now going to attach these electrodes … to your potatoes! [does so] And then turn the crank on this field generator! Now, you ignorant bog-hopper, start singing! [turns the crank]
Prisoner: [starts singing while feeling the torture of the potatoes as if they’re his nipples] When Irish eyes are smilin’, you’re – duh-aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHH God bless youuuuuuuuuu, and keep youuuuuuuu, Mother MacreeeEEEeee!
Soldier: I see this is getting us nowhere. You’ve forced my hand. Unless you tell me the answers to these three questions, I’m going to turn your potatoes … into French fries! [places a potato in the French fry slicer] You’ve got ten seconds! TEN, NINE, [head shot of prisoner] EIGHT, SEVEN, [close-up of the potato in the slicer] SIX, [head shot of prisoner as he shakes his head no] FIVE, FOUR, [head shot of soldier] THREE, [head shot of prisoner] TWO, ONE [close-up of the potato in the slicer] …
Prisoner: All right, all right! I’ll tell yeh. [sighs of relief]
Soldier: [walks up to prisoner] All right. One: is the bomb live or diffused? Two: what city was it mailed from? And three: when will it go off?
Prisoner: [still recovering from the shock] Live … from New York … it’s Saturday Night.
Submitted by: The G Man