Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 20
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Before we get to the news, Id like to mention that the coveted Pulitzer Prizes were awarded this week, and the Pulitzer Prize in Broadcast Journalism was won by guess who? Our own Weekend Update. The award is for superior achievement, responsibility, and accuracy in reporting. Id like to thank the judges for this honor, and well try to live up to it. Thank you, thank you thank you.
Our top story tonight: Erin Fleming, manager and companion of veteran comedian Groucho Marx, was relieved of her duties yesterday by a California judge, pending a court hearing next month. Miss Fleming, in an effort to elude reporters and photographers, has adopted a disguise in hopes of maintaining her privacy. [doctored photo of Fleming with trademark Groucho eyebrows, glasses, moustache and cigar] She has also filed an application to legally change her name to Flemmo.
Alex Haley, author of the bestselling Roots, has been accused of plagiarizing material from existing works by two other authors, Margaret Alexanders Jubilee, and Harold Courlanders The African. Haley claims its just a coincidence, and shrugging off the charges he went back to finishing his new novel, Moby Dick.[picture of an iceberg] That giant iceberg which broke off Antarctica is moving northward towards South America. NASA released this picture, claiming it was a satellite photograph of the 45-by-25-mile iceberg, but our sources report it is actually an aerial shot of Idi Amins Wasserman test. More on this condition as it develops. [photo of a man crossing his eyes, imitating a fish] Well, a Philadelphia man has filed a 2-million-dollar malpractice suit against his plastic surgeon. The surgeon, shown here, says, I was just trying to make him look normal.
And now, this weeks editorial by correspondent Bill Murray.
Bill Murray: Thank you Jane. In a landmark ruling this week, the United States Supreme Court declared that the spanking of schoolchildren by teachers or other school officials is constitutional. This five-to-four endorsement of corporal punishment should not be taken lightly. Imagine, if you will, that you are a fifth-grade teacher, and your class is lined up for a fire drill, and an 11-year-old girl in the class talks to her neighbor. No big crime. Children are at times unruly, but perhaps she should be taught a lesson.
OK, have her stay after school. You wouldnt want to humiliate her in front of her classmates. Then take the child, so pure, so frail, so unsuspecting, and put her over your knee, gently, ever so gently. But first, your mind wanders, and images of sunny Sundays, and breakfast with Mom and Dad, walks in the park with Gramps. Love, so much love.
The kids at school made fun of you and they called you sissy. The boys laughed at you in gym class and they said you werent as masculine as they were. You couldnt climb the ropes. And the showers, of course, were the hardest. Bald Billy, they called you. Now the girls, the girls, they- they laughed the hardest, giggling behind your back and pointing at you. Billy, Billy, whats the matter? The boys wont play baseball with you!
Then in high school, you called them, asked them on dates, but still they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. And you waited at home on Saturday night, watching wrestling on TV. And then Gramps died. And then Mom, well, she left Dad, and married a guy who laughed when he heard you were 23 years old and youd never been kissed. And Mom, she laughed too, with this weird guy she married. And you swore youd get even, get even with all of the people that laughed. And nows your chance.
It takes what seems like an eternity, but you take the trembling girl on your knee, and you pull up her dress. Yes, youre almost home now. Your hands are shaking, but you must continue. And then the panties, oh, the panties. Theyre white, and theyve got pink or light blue trim. And you touch the panties, and you pull down the panties. And there are firm, white mounds of heaven. Sweet, sweet, sweet nirvana. The girls made fun of me, yeah. They giggled, they pointed, they stood me up. But now theyll pay for it.
And you hit those mounds, [pounds his right hand on the desk repeatedly] and you hit those mounds again and again, you hit them until you beg for mercy, and are you gonna do it again? And youll show em. Gramps? Huh? Why did you die? I missed you! Mom? Why did you remarry? Huh? Why did you leave me? Why cant I be like everybody else? Huh? Ill show you why! Are you gonna do it again? No! [stops]
This is Bill Murray, for Weekend Update. Back to you, Jane. [applause]
Jane Curtin: [photo of an infant playing a child-sized tuba] Still to come, an alternative to breastfeeding, after this message.[Dissolve to Oxxon commercial]
Jane Curtin: Soviet Communist Party Chief Leonid Brezhnev surprised the world this week.
And now, heres this weeks editorial reply by Emily Litella. [applause]
Emily Litella: Hi. Thank you, thank you Jane. Tonights commentary is concerned with air solution. Now, whats all this fuss I hear about air solution? I dont [cracks up] Oh God! I cant
Jane Curtin: [smiling] Whats so funny?
Emily Litella: That was the worst joke I ever made. It wasnt even close!
Jane Curtin: Im well aware of that. Whats wrong with you?
Emily Litella: Oh Im sorry, Miss Curtin. Im just not myself, Im quite preoccupied.
Jane Curtin: Preoccupied with what?
Emily Litella: Oh, my man, my man! Oh, you know, oh, my juices are all flowing. Im all juiced up!
Jane Curtin: Who is this guy, anyway?
Emily Litella: [proudly] Tom Snyder!
Jane Curtin: Tom Snyder? You, Emily Litella, are in love with Tom Snyder.
Emily Litella: What a hunk!
Jane Curtin: Well, I guess hes appealing, but, uh, Id never trust him. Besides, hes going to California anyway.
Emily Litella: Well, dont talk about him that way. I love him!
Jane Curtin: Oh come on, hes not worth it. Look at his hair! Hell only hurt you.
Emily Litella: I love him! I love him! I love him!And where he goes Ill swallow, Ill swallow, Ill swallow!Hell always be my true love, my true love, my true love,From now until forever, forever, forever![singing to the tune of I Will Follow Him]
“I will swallow him.”
Jane Curtin: Emily? Emily?
Emily Litella: “Swallow him wherever he may go!
There isnt an o–“
Jane Curtin: EMILY!
Emily Litella: What??
Jane Curtin: Thats I Will Follow Him. Not Swallow Him, Follow Him.
Emily Litella: [pauses] Ohhh. Well thats different. Thats very different!
Tom, if youre watching: Never mind.
Jane Curtin: Thats our news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.[Cheers and applause. Jane and Emily awkwardly stare at each other. Fade]
Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo