Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 21
… Shelley Duvall
Shelly Duvall: [to the camera] This week’s filmwas made by Sharon Sacks and, this being June, thefilm is called “Brides.”
[Fade in on a woman in a bridal veil smiling into thecamera. Pull back to reveal the woman and anotherwoman, both in full bridal regalia, ironing clothes ina kitchen as they sing the 1913 pop hit “You Made MeLove You”:]
You made me love you
I didn’t want to do it
I didn’t want to do it
You made me love you
[Dissolve to a series of images of brides as anarrator speaks:]
Narrator: Since the dawn of civilization,society has celebrated marriage with elaborateceremonies and the ordering of new flatware. [briefdissolve to flatware] From Europe to the Hebrides,brides bedeck themselves in shining white dresses tosymbolize the traditional French pastry. [briefdissolve to wedding cake – then dissolve to a smilingbride rotating back and forth] Psychologists have longasked themselves, “Why do men fear brides?” The answeris simple: the imposing white figure of a bride mayremind a young male of dinnerware. [dissolve todinnerware rotating back and forth in the same fashionas the bride] And all men are unnaturally afraid ofdinnerware. [Cut to nervous young man] In fact, wavethis Wedgwood gravy boat in their face and men willscream. [A gravy boat is thrust in the man’s face – hescreams.] It’s a scientific fact.
[Quick fade out and in to a bride brushing her hair]Here we see a representation of the world famous”brushing bride.” Variations on this theme include the”buzzing bride” … [dissolve to the same bride makinga buzzing sound through her nose] … the “hummingbride” … [dissolve to the same bride making ahumming sound through her mouth] … and the “fallingbride.” [dissolve to the same bride falling out of theframe with a thud, shaking the camera a little] Thusthe phrase, “bridal thud” or “clunk.”
[Quick fade out and in to a pair of tap shoes, tappingout a rhythm – cut wide to reveal three maids of honorin pink gowns doing a tap dance routine as a bridesits nearby watching] Here, in southern California, ina special ceremony in the bride’s home, the maids ofhonor do a special dance to honor the wedding of thisyoung bride to a giant chicken. [Cut to a live chickenlooming over a doll house] The chicken impatientlywaits outside. [Cut to the bride’s parents lookingbored] While inside, the bride’s parents, anxious toappear “with it,” look on benevolently. [Cut to acrying bride being comforted by maids of honor in bluegowns] Meanwhile, across town, another young bride isheartbroken today because the chicken to whom she wasto be married inexplicably succumbed to exposure priorto the ceremony. [Cut to a dead, plucked,ready-to-cook chicken lying in the front yard of aranch house the size of a doll house]
[Quick fade out and in to a wedding ceremony where,instead of a priest, a bride and groom stand before aVegas-style stand-up comedian who wears a tuxedo andspeaks into a microphone:]
Comedian: He says, “Well, it’s my pet penguin.”He says, “I don’t care!” He says, “You take him to thezoo.” Guy takes off. The next day, sametime…
Narrator: Many families now prefer to foregothe vows themselves for the telling of the weddingjoke.
Comedian: So the cop comes up to him and says,”Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take that penguin tothe zoo?” He said, “I did. Today I’m takin’ him to themovies.” You may kiss the bride.
[The bride and groom kiss. Quick fade out and in tothree grim brides walking side by side down a street,accompanied by marching band music.]
Narrator: It is a little known fact that untiljust twenty years ago only blondes were permitted bylaw to become brides.
[Quick fade out and in to a woman with a brown paperbag over her head. Two eye holes are cut out of thebag so she can see. A photographer’s flash bulb goesoff and we pull back to reveal that the woman is abride standing with the groom, a priest, and the maidof honor for a wedding photo.] Anonymous weddings areincreasingly popular. This young bride, for example,owes money to a well-known and powerful departmentstore.
[Quick fade out and in to a series of black-and-whitestill photos of the White House wedding of PresidentRichard Nixon’s daughter Tricia. In the final photo,Nixon has a set of false vampire fangs in his mouth.]Other novelties are finding a place in the weddingritual. A President of the United States appeared atthe wedding of his daughter Tricia several years agosporting fangs thereby ushering in a new popularityfor vampire weddings. [Cut to priest and parents,standing outside a bedroom door, inspecting a whitelinen stained with red spots of blood] Here we are atMarjorie’s home the morning after the wedding wherethe happy parents surround her door. [Cut to thebedroom where the groom lies dead, two bleedingpuncture marks in his neck, as the bride moves to thewindow] While, inside the bedroom …
Vampire Bride: [exposing her fangs as shespeaks darkly] Goodbye, Mother. You finally made alady out of me. [The Vampire Bride transforms into abat, via animation, and flies out the window as wehear the Singing Brides:]
Brides: [singing] You know you made me loveyou …
[Dissolve to applauding audience.]