Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 21
… Shelley Duvall
Shelly Duvall: [to the camera] This week’s filmwas made by Sharon Sacks and, this being June, thefilm is called “Brides.”[Fade in on a woman in a bridal veil smiling into thecamera. Pull back to reveal the woman and anotherwoman, both in full bridal regalia, ironing clothes ina kitchen as they sing the 1913 pop hit “You Made MeLove You”:]
Brides: [singing]You made me love you
I didn’t want to do it
I didn’t want to do it
You made me love you
Narrator: Since the dawn of civilization,society has celebrated marriage with elaborateceremonies and the ordering of new flatware. [briefdissolve to flatware] From Europe to the Hebrides,brides bedeck themselves in shining white dresses tosymbolize the traditional French pastry. [briefdissolve to wedding cake – then dissolve to a smilingbride rotating back and forth] Psychologists have longasked themselves, “Why do men fear brides?” The answeris simple: the imposing white figure of a bride mayremind a young male of dinnerware. [dissolve todinnerware rotating back and forth in the same fashionas the bride] And all men are unnaturally afraid ofdinnerware. [Cut to nervous young man] In fact, wavethis Wedgwood gravy boat in their face and men willscream. [A gravy boat is thrust in the man’s face – hescreams.] It’s a scientific fact.
Comedian: He says, “Well, it’s my pet penguin.”He says, “I don’t care!” He says, “You take him to thezoo.” Guy takes off. The next day, sametime…
Narrator: Many families now prefer to foregothe vows themselves for the telling of the weddingjoke.
Comedian: So the cop comes up to him and says,”Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take that penguin tothe zoo?” He said, “I did. Today I’m takin’ him to themovies.” You may kiss the bride.[The bride and groom kiss. Quick fade out and in tothree grim brides walking side by side down a street,accompanied by marching band music.]
Narrator: It is a little known fact that untiljust twenty years ago only blondes were permitted bylaw to become brides.[Quick fade out and in to a woman with a brown paperbag over her head. Two eye holes are cut out of thebag so she can see. A photographer’s flash bulb goesoff and we pull back to reveal that the woman is abride standing with the groom, a priest, and the maidof honor for a wedding photo.] Anonymous weddings areincreasingly popular. This young bride, for example,owes money to a well-known and powerful departmentstore.
Vampire Bride: [exposing her fangs as shespeaks darkly] Goodbye, Mother. You finally made alady out of me. [The Vampire Bride transforms into abat, via animation, and flies out the window as wehear the Singing Brides:]
Brides: [singing] You know you made me loveyou …[Dissolve to applauding audience.]