SNL Transcripts: Shelley Duvall: 05/14/77: Programming Change



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21








76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Programming Change

… John Belushi
… Lorne Michaels
… Shelley Duvall
… Laraine Newman
… Gilda Radner
… Jane Curtin
… Bob Van Ry

[We open cold on Home Base where an astonished JohnBelushi and Shelley Duvall, dressed in bee costumes,confer with producer Lorne Michaels, who holds a pieceof paper in his hand and tries to placatethem.]

John Belushi: [upset] I don’t believeit!

Lorne Michaels: There’s nothing I can do aboutit. I mean, I just found out about it– I’msorry.

John Belushi: It’s typical! It’s justtypical!

Lorne Michaels: I’m sorry. Listen … [handspaper to Shelley]

Shelley Duvall: We’re all rehearsed.

Lorne Michaels: No, no–

John Belushi: Look, I’m in the costume, I’m allready.

Lorne Michaels: There’s nothing I can do aboutit.

John Belushi: There’s nothing you cando?

Lorne Michaels: Nothing. I mean, I just got theword myself.

[Shelley, chewing gum, walks to center stage andaddresses the camera.]

Shelley Duvall: Hi, I’m not Miss USA, I’mShelley Duvall. [chuckles nervously, applause]Originally, uh, we were gonna start the show tonightwith me and John Belushi doing the Love Scene from”The Flight of the Bumblebee” — that’s how come I’mdressed like this. But, uh, just now, a networkexecutive contacted our producer Lorne Michaels and wehad to change our plans. You see, there’s this, uh,memo here. [chuckles, reads from the paper] “To allNBC producers: Because of the high cost-per-minuteratio of the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight,telecast originally on May eleventh, which,unfortunately, lasted only fifty-eight seconds, allNBC programs broadcast between now and June fifteenthwill begin with the aforementioned Bobick-Nortonfight. Kindest regards, Programming UnitA-C-nine-seventeen.” Well, that’s big business. So,here we go. [pause, Shelley looks around] Ithink.

[Finally, we dissolve to videotape of the fight. Thebell rings signaling the first round. Ken Norton, ablack man in blue trunks, and Duane Bobick, a whiteman in tan trunks, exchange punches for a few secondsbefore we cut backstage to the female cast members’dressing room. Gilda Radner sits on a make-up tablefixing her costume while Laraine Newman, smoking acigarette, watches the fight on a TV set.]

Laraine Newman: [disgusted] They cut the LoveScene from “The Flight of the Bumblebee” for this?[kills the sound on the TV and turns away to smoke hercigarette]

Gilda Radner: [annoyed, to Laraine] Hey! I waswatchin’ that!

Laraine Newman: [nasty] Yeah? Well, catch it inreruns. It’s drivin’ me up the wall!

Gilda Radner: [just as nasty] Back off, MissLint Hair! Miss Looks Like She Slept in a DoggyBag!

[Provoked, Laraine crushes her cigarette and starts tostrangle Gilda.]

Laraine Newman: Why, you–

Gilda Radner: No! Stop it!

[Screaming incoherently, the two women engage in acatfight. As they fall to the floor, Jane Curtinenters and tries to break it up. Meanwhile, theNorton-Bobick fight continues on the TV in thebackground.]

Jane Curtin: [wicked nasty] All right, you two!Knock it off! Knock it off or I’ll put your dentist ina new tax bracket!

[During this, Shelley Duvall, no longer in her beecostume, enters fussing with her hair and takes a seatat the make-up table. All the women are dressed inslinky black and gold outfits. Laraine rises andretreats to a corner. Meanwhile, on the TV, Nortonknocks Bobick down and the referee calls off the fightduring the following:]

Laraine Newman: [to Jane] Aw, shut up or I’lllet the air out of your legs.

Gilda Radner: [snatching a hairbrush out ofShelley’s hand] Gimme that!

Shelley Duvall: Wait a minute! Thank God youmake movies with a better class o’ people.

[Offended by Shelley’s comment, the others react whilefixing their hair and make-up.]

Laraine Newman: Oh ho!

Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, hey, hey!

Jane Curtin: [cruelly, to Shelley] Nice teeth.Why’n’t you tattoo “Steinway” on your upperlip?

Gilda Radner: [accusingly] Yeah, Shelley,what’d you do? Brush your way to the top?

Laraine Newman: [snidely, off Shelley’s biground eyes] Yeah, you know, you seldom find eyes likethat outside of a mouse cartoon.

Shelley Duvall: [feelings hurt] I’ve never donelive television. I can’t take it any more, you know?It’s just too much.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, well, if you wanna dotelevision, you’d better learn to take it,cupcake!

Laraine Newman: That’s right. If you can’tstand the heat, stay out of the kitchen, okay?

[On the TV, Norton has won the fight, the videotapeends and John Belushi appears on the screen in his beecostume.]

John Belushi: Live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight!

[Somewhere in the distance, the SNL Band plays theopening theme as the opening montage plays out on theTV screen during the following:]

Jane Curtin: [tough but sympathetic, toShelley] I know how you feel. We all know how youfeel. We were once serious actresses.

Shelley Duvall: Really?

Gilda Radner: Yeah! Yeah! Right. But weekly TVmade us tough. You know what I mean, honey?

Laraine Newman: Wise up, sweetheart. You got awhole show to host out there, you know? I mean, getwith it or get out!

Shelley Duvall: [adopting the tough tone of theothers, to Laraine] All right. Let me tell yousomething, kid. With pores that size, you could drillfor oil.

[Laraine and Gilda enthusuastically cheer Shelley’snew attitude.]

Laraine Newman: That’s it! All right!

Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay, Shelley! There yougo. [pinches Shelley’s cheek, Shelley winces inpain]

Jane Curtin: [instantly spoiling the mood] Aw,which one of you low-life’s put a cigarette out in myTab?

Gilda Radner: [to Jane] Not me, sweetheart.What are you talking about?

[Stage manager Bob Van Ry enters briefly and claps hishands at the women.]

Bob Van Ry: Okay, girls, let’s go! You gotthirty seconds!

Jane Curtin: [annoyed, to Bob] You’re notsupposed to be in here!

[The women rise from the make-up table, strip offtheir black jackets (embroidered with “Video Vixens”on the back) and start to exit toward Home Base. Janeand Laraine grab electric guitars as they go. Cut tothe four women exiting their dressing room and walkingthrough the audience as the band continues playing theopening theme and Don Pardo’s booming voice lists thecast members:]

Don Pardo V/O: … Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris,Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner!

[The women arrive at Home Base and take the stage infront of a glittering curtain. The house lights godown as the foursome line up behind four microphoneswith their backs to the audience — ready to begintheir act as “Video Vixens” …]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of