SNL Transcripts: Shelley Duvall: 05/14/77: I Am Ricardo Montalban!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21










76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

I Am Ricardo Montalban!

Jane … Gilda Radner
Jean … Shelly Duvall
Ricardo Montalban … Dan Aykroyd
Fernando Lamas … Bill Murray
Cesar Romero … John Belushi
Joan … Laraine Newman
1st Italian Man … Tom Schiller
1st Woman … Rosie Shuster
2nd Woman … Anne Beatts
3rd Woman … Marilyn Miller
Piano Player … Paul Shaffer
Man in Tuxedo … Al Franken
Bartender … Alan Zweibel
Extra … Garrett Morris

[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancyrestaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew membersare visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketchas we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in atuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. Atone table sit three Latino men, identically dressed inwhite suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At anadjacent table, we find two white women, Jane andJean, in slinky black outfits, smokingcigarettes.]

Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now.I just know they’re not gonna show.

Jean: Well, Joan went to call.

Jane: I wish we could meet some different kindo’ guys for a change. I mean, somethin’ like thoseContinental type over there. [indicates the threeLatino men at the next table]

Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the sameall-American hamburgers.

Jane: Right.

Jean: Why don’t we ever meet any uncircumcisedguys?

[One of the Continental types rises and approachesJane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speakswith an accent, sounding rather like the actor RicardoMontalban.]

Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely,lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here atthe next table, were having a little argument and wewere wondering if perhaps you couldn’t help settle itfor us.

Jane: Well, sure, if we can.

Jean: Shoot.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am RicardoMontalban.

[His two companions rise up in protest and join him atthe ladies’ table.]

Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!

Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, atleast, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. Andthese two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and CesarRomero — although, we are a little confused about whois who.

Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovelyladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don’t knowwho is who.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have beenchumming around Hollywood for so long together –Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar — the best of friends, wedo everything together, we eat together, drinktogether, sleep over at each other’s Hollywood homes.Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando’s,sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo’s houseand–

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait aminute. You said you were Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha haha!

Fernando Lamas: I thought I wasRicardo.

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are allof us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see?It is all very terribly confusing. We don’t know whowe are.

Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join youat your table.

Jane: Well, ah, we – we are waiting forour dates.

Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris.

Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too,were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here thisevening — Jill St. John, Susan St. James and EvaMarie Saint.

Cesar Romero: Right.

Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceledout and our evening is free so we’d love to join youuntil those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pannamed George show up.

Jean: Oh, I don’t see why not.

Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.

[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies attheir table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives.Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. Sheand the men take seats.]

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Badnews, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris stood us up for other dates.

Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh!Who?

Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and MayBritt.

All: Awwwww!

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don’t think we’vebeen introduced.

Ricardo Montalban: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Fernando Lamas: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Cesar Romero: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Jean: Two of these three gentlemen arelying.

Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalbanplease stand up?

[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter andapplause from the crowd for this parody of the oldgame show “To Tell the Truth.” Finally, the men remainseated and they and the women laugh heartily at theirlittle joke.]

Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.

Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romeroand Ricardo Montalban.

Joan: Well — who’s who?

Ricardo Montalban: Even we don’t know who’swho! The only way to tell is to run out to the parkinglot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! …[applause]

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May – may I assureyou that our confusion is as sincere as it ischarming. You wanna make out with me?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout youover there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Comeon.

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what aboutyou, right here?

Jean: Not right now.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I gotplenty o’ time.

Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero onstyle, you know?

Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watchthis. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tintedopera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finestCorinthian leather.

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have youchanged your mind yet?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout you,right over here? You change your mind?

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl,right here?

Jean: No, no.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I’m inno hurry, I’ll be right here.

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think Ican figure out who you are. Let me see your carkeys.

Fernando Lamas: Certainly.

Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovelylady.

Cesar Romero: Yes.

[The men pull out their car keys and put them in frontof Jean.]

Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly]And to my heart as well.

Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador,Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo]You are Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: RickyRicardo?

Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we knowthat! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!

Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am RicardoMontalban!

Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas:Aaaahhhhh!

Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements,it’s all coming back to me. “As a Spaniard, I love tofeel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose acar, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car thatwill–” You know, I mean, the commercials. They’rerunning all over the place.

Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it’s between Fernandoand Cesar.

Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I havea picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet.[takes out wallet, shows picture to others]There!

Fernando Lamas: Aha! That’s me!

Cesar Romero: That’s you?

Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!

Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!

Cesar Romero: Then that means – I am CesarRomero! Excellent! I loved myself in “Weekend inHavana”!

[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing andtalking at once. Fernando calls out:]

Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine,please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebratingourselves!

[As he does, three Italian men dressed in blackjumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach anearby table at which sit three bored women in blackwith identical hairstyles.]

1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us,lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. Iam either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or EnzoStuarti.

All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bitconfused.

1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let’s see yourkeys, boys. Whoever’s driving the Volare mustbe Sergio Franchi.

[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoomin on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs.Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees thecamera on him, stops and stares into it. Asuperimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. Aftera pause, he joins in on the applause as we fadeout.]

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