SNL Transcripts: Shelley Duvall: 05/14/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21









76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
Voice of Duane Bobick … Tom Davis
Voice of Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Sound of teletype clicking. Jane Curtin sits at theWU desk talking on the phone.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now — Weekend Update withJane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [casually, into the phone,discussing former cast member Chevy Chase who is inthe audience for tonight’s show] Oh, come on, give mea break. I mean, so the guy has his special — doesthat make him a star? Okay, yeah, granted the ratingswere good but he followed Richard Pryor!Richard Pryor’s wonderful! Who’s gonna get upand turn the TV off when they’re laughing? Oh, did yousee him on the Carson show? I have to admit, I lovedhim on that. My – my – my favorite part was when heasked his wife to stand up in the audience — it wasjust like Steve Allen and Jane Meadows. … [sees thecamera is on] Oh, I – I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up,adopts her no-nonsense newswoman persona] Our topstory tonight:

In a spectacular coup, the National BroadcastingCompany has signed heavyweight boxer Duane Bobick toan exclusive five year contract as a networkpersonality. Beating out the other networks, thecontract was signed just seconds before Bobick steppedinto the ring with Ken Norton. Asked to comment,Bobick said, quote: [Jane points to her throat and,with wide eyes, does a garbled Donald Duck imitation]…

TV personality David Frost, inspired by the success ofhis Nixon interviews, has announced plans to interviewformer presidents Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Trumanand Roosevelt. … Answering comments that the planseemed preposterous, Frost said, “If people believeNixon, they’ll believe anything.” …[applause] [Photo of a wide-eyed Jimmy Carter which draws a laughfrom the crowd] While in London for last week’s summitmeeting, President Carter recommended that one of hisfavorite poets, Dylan Thomas, be removed from hisgrave in Wales and enshrined in historic WestminsterAbbey. Carter also requested that another of hisfavorite poets, Rod McKuen, be buried in the Abbeyimmediately. …

Patty Hearst, shown here relaxing on the lawn at SanSimeon, was placed on five years’ probation for herarmed robbery and assault charge and ordered to paysix thousand dollars in property damage. Despiterumors of romance, Miss Hearst says she has no plans,commenting, “I don’t want to marry and settle downbefore I’ve had a little excitement in my life.”…

Sixty-four year old cowboy Roy Rogers stated this weekthat when he dies, he would like to be stuffed andmounted on top of Trigger, his dead horse, who is alsostuffed and mounted. When asked to comment on this,Dale Evans, Roy’s affectionate wife, said that she,too, would like to be stuffed and mounted but notnecessarily in that order. … [applause] [Photo of Mount Rushmore] A film expert claimed thisweek that there is a fifth face on the nationalmonument Mount Rushmore. Larger and more subtlydefined than the four presidents’ faces, it isbelieved to be the profile of comedian David Brenner.[Doctored photo of Mount Rushmore with an outline ofDavid Brenner’s head superimposed.] …

[Photo of golfer Jack Nicklaus in mid-stroke, standingin a sand trap] In sports, Jack Nicklaus won the thirdannual Quaker Oats Invitational. He is shown hereclinching victory by blasting out of an oatmeal trapdirectly into an egg cup. …

[Doctored photo of Watergate figures John Mitchell,John E. Ehrlichman and H. R. “Bob” Haldeman wearingMickey Mouse ears] Well, Watergate cover-upco-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Ehrlichman and”Cubby” Haldeman have been signed as Mouseketeers onthe Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to commenton this unusual move, the three defendants said inunison: “Why? Because we like you!” …

[Photo of what appears to be a Japanese man with astick standing above a Japanese woman who is neck deepin water.] Still to come: Japanese ceremonialwife-drowning after this message.

[Applause as we go to commercial.] [A bell rings and once again we are watching theentire fifty-eight second video of the KenNorton-Duane Bobick fight. The fight — betweenNorton, a black man in blue trunks, and Bobick, awhite man in tan trunks — unfolds withoutinterruption under the following voice overs:]

Duane Bobick V/O: You are about to witness acrime. Hello, this is Duane Bobick. According tostatistics, every fifty-eight seconds a white man isbrutally beaten by a black man. … This is notnecessarily the fault of the black man becauseenvironmental and societal conditions sometimes leavehim no choice. That’s where the Black EducationalConference comes in. They have shown thousands ofblack men that they do not have to resort to violenceto prove their masculinity. They’ve shown blacks howto find rich, fulfilling and non-aggressive careers inthe fields of computer technology, businessadministration and dentistry, that there aresatisfactions in life other than beating up on whitey…. [Norton is beating the crap out of Bobick] Theysuffered for four hundred years and we’re sorry aboutit. I’ve seen “Roots” and so have you. Let’s give thema chance to use their minds. [Norton knocks Bobickdown] Remember, a better-educated black man is aweaker opponent. Show them how sorry we are. Help theblack man gain respect for themselves. I know Ihave.

Don Pardo V/O: Send money to Black EducationalConference, Box 58, New York. And, remember, abetter-educated black man is a weakeropponent.

[The referee ends the fight. Applause as we return toJane at the WU desk.]

Jane Curtin: The makers of the Mr. Coffeeappliance revealed this week that over a half millionof the machines have a defect which may cause a shortcircuit resulting in fire. Our Update consumerdepartment reports that the Mr. Coffee manufacturerdoes not plan to recall the dangerous units — [Photoof smiling Mr. Coffee spokesman Joe DiMaggio holding afire extinguisher] — but will introduce a newproduct, Mr. Fire Extinguisher. …

[Doctored photo of Jimmy Carter with sticks ofdynamite] In a surprise move this week, PresidentJimmy Carter strapped three sticks of dynamite to hisbody and made himself into a human bomb. …Addressing Congress, Carter threatened to explodehimself unless one of the senior members of the Houseoffered to date his aging mother Lillian. …

Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight’scommentary, is Emily Litella. [applause as we pullback to include an empty chair next to Jane -irritated, Jane loses her composure] I knew this wasgoing to happen. Where the hell is she? … [Janepicks up the phone and dials as she mutters toherself] For God’s sakes. Irresponsible, annoyingwoman. God knows she’s no longer funny. … [phonerings]

Voice of Emily Litella: Hello. This is EmilyLitella. I’m not home right now. But I will call youback as soon as possible. Just leave your name,number, and what time you called, after you hear thesound of the jeep. … [a beep sounds]

Jane Curtin: Emily, that’s beep, not jeep. Ajeep is an army vehicle, a jeep is a tone. You shouldknow that if you were in television. Beep, not jeep![ready to hang up]

Voice of Emily Litella: Ohhhhhhh … nevermind.

Jane Curtin: [startled to hear Emily respond,then ticked off] Stupid woman.

Voice of Emily Litella: Bitch. …

[Applause as Jane hangs up and stares at the phonemoodily.]

Jane Curtin: [as nicely as possible] That’s ournews for tonight. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Applause as Jane gives the phone a dirty look,muttering something under her breath. Pull back andfade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

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