Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 22
Return Of The Coneheads
Dr. Ray Bondish…..Buck Henry
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
[ open on interior, Conehead residence, as the doorbell rings ] [ Prymaat Conehead enters the living room and answers the door to Dr. Ray Bondish, who holds a triangular piece of metal ] [ SUPER: “Return Of The Coneheads” ]
Prymaat Conehead: Greetings!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Is this the home of Beldar Conehead?
Prymaat Conehead: Correct! Enter! [ she closes the door as he enters, then she faces the stairs ] Beldar, I summon you!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, let me guess — I’ll bet you’re Mrs. Conehead?
Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat![ he nods, as Beldar runs down the stairs ]
Beldar Conehead: Please enter! Be seated!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Thank you.
Beldar Conehead: [ muttering under his breath ] Human…[ they all ake a seat on the couch ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Uhhh —
Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead, I am Dr. Ray Bondish. I’m assigned to the United States Air Force Aerospace Defense command in Wormling, Arizona.
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Arizona?
Prymaat Conehead: Arizona. In Arizona, in the southwest, features good oxygen quality, a high concentration of human retirement colonies, desert reptiles, and domestic handgun ownership.[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Five days ago, this object entered the Earth’s atmosphere and fell from the sky and into the parking lot of a Taco Bell in downtown Tucson.
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Taco?
Prymaat Conehead: Taco. A folded starch disc encasing vegetable substances and shredded flesh of hooved mammals.
Dr. Ray Bondish: Mr. Conehead, in my time in the Air Force, I’ve seen a lot of space garbage hit the globe — but this hunk has me beat. You know, we can’t figure out what kind of metal this thing is made from, and we had no clues until yesterday, when one of our investigators made a breakthrough discovery: [ he turns the piece of metal on its side ] your name and address on the side of the object.
Beldar Conehead: [ reading ] “Beldar Conehead, 2-1-3-0 Pineway Drive, Parkwood Hills, New Jersey, U.S.A.” Correct. Yes. Thank you. [ he stands and whips out a stack of bills from his breast pocket ] Please accept this cash gratutity. Don’t disperse it all in one locality.
Dr. Ray Bondish: No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute, Mr. Conehead. I don’t think you understand. The Aerospace Defense Command has assigned me to gind out what this object is, and where it came from.
Beldar Conehead: [ quickly ] It is a communication from Remulak!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Remulak?
Beldar Conehead: Remulak. A small town in France! This is a postcard from France! You see… we come from France![ Connie Conehead enters the room ]
Connie Conehead: Attention, parental units! I am splitting now to itneract with my human friends at the shopping plaza!
Prymaat Conehead: No, Connie! You cannot go!
Connie Conehead: But, Mom! I cleaned up my sleep chamber!
Beldar Conehead: Connie… we have received a vital communication from Remulak. Koldropth the High Master of Starfab Megazone has demanded that we return at once! To our home… in France!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Wait a minute! You know… I’ve bicycled through FRance twenty-seven times, and I’ve NEVER heard of Remulak. Parlais-vous Francaise?
Prymaat Conehead: Oui!
Connie Conehead: Oui! Ne parlaiz-vous Francais!
Prymaat Conehead: Salud! Entre![ Beldar rattles a fancy French phrase ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: That’s a pretty good accent, Beldar, but I don’t think you come from France. I don’t think you come from anywhere near France. I think I know EXACTLY what you people are! You’re Ku Klux Klan!
Beldar Conehead: Incorrect! There is no need to deceive the human any longer. [ to Dr. Bondish ] I am Beldar, the first timekeeper from the planet Remulak! Our star cruiser arrived here fifteen years ago! We had instructinos to SEIZE your miserable world!
Prymaat Conehead: Yes. And all was well until you crashed the star cruiser into Lake Michigan.
Beldar Conehead: Let us not get into that… again!
Dr. Ray Bondish: You mean, it’s TRUE?! There IS life on other planets? Flying saucers DO exist! Yuo have so much to TEACH us! Intergalactic travel is possible! I’d love to experience the sensation of flying through space at unthinkable speeds!
All: NO PROBLEM!!![ Beldar grabs Dr. Bondish by the collar and tosses him out the front door ]
Beldar Conehead: We must leave at once for the planet Remulak! Gather gifts for the High Master!
Connie conehead: But, Daddy! what manner of conveyance will transport us?
Beldar Conehead: We must drive to the island of Manhatten! There… we find the Chrysler Building! It is the site of the emergency return vehicle which will carry us off the Earth!
Prymaat & Connie: Igbat… Klaatu… Remulak!!
Beldar Conehead: Meet me in the petroleum combustion unit![ Beldar exits the house as Prymaat and Connie search for gifts ] [ fade to black ] [ open on pre-filmed footage, beginning with Beldar’s driver’s education vehicle sitting in the driveway. Beldar behind the wheel. Prymaat and Connie toss suitcases into the back seat, climb into the vehicle, and Beldar drives off. ] [ the Coneheads drive down a New Jersey highway while glancing at the New York skyline in the distance ] [ at a gas station, Beldar fills the tank with gas, then guzzles down a couple of gallons to satisfy his own thirst ] [ at the New Jersey Turnpike, Beldar pays the toll to cross, receiving a watward glance from the tollwoman before they’re allowed to pass through ] [ they pass through the tunnel and into Manhatten ] [ once in the city, they honk at pedestrians on foot ] [ they wait impatiently while stuck in gridlock traffic ] [ later, while moving, they point upward in the direction of the Chrsyler Building ] [ they park at the front entrance to the Chrysler Building, then enter as pedestrians stop to stare at their cones ] [ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building lifting like a rocket and ascending into outer space ] [ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building hurtling through space like a rocket ] [ dissolve to Remulak, High Master and Mentuk watching as a red crystal globe begins to vibrate and shine brightly. They turn to watch as the Coneheads enter. ]
Coneheads: Igbat… Klaatu… Farbat!!
Beldar Conehead: All hail the High Master of Starpath Megdazon!
Kuldroth: Mip! Mip! Mip! How was your journey?
Prymaat Conehead: Satisfactory. We did experience some turbulence near the Crab Nebula.
Beldar Conehead: We have Earth gifts for you, O High Master!
Kuldroth: Present these objects to me![ Beldar holds out a suitcase and opens it. Connie grabs a six-pack of beer. ]
Connie Conehead: This substance is known as beer! Suck back a couple of these!
Kuldroth: Thank you! [ he pulls back the pop tabs ] How… to do?
Beldar Conehead: Consume mass quantities!
Kuldroth: Ah! [ he tosses the six-pack back and chugs the contents ]
Beldar Conehead: Kuldroth! Why have you summoned us from Earth?
Kuldroth: [ hands the six-pack to Mentuk ] The price of Tectorse has been dropped! And forced us to cut back on our space program! The Earth project has been terminated!
Beldar Conehead: That’s the way the klargoth crystals shatter.
Kuldroth: In addition, Mentuk has determined that… your young one… is my genetic mate! I will marry her immediately!
Connie Conehead: Ohhhh, no! What a drag! what a bummer! Why get married? Why not just get it on?
Prymaat Conehead: You’re mistaken, young one! The High Master has asked for your cone. You cannot deny him.
Kuldroth: Mentuk! Mentuk, examine her cone! Be sure I am to be the first![ Mentuk hobbles over to Connie to inspect her cone, then gasps before returning to Kuldroth ]
Mentuk: Sorry. This cone has already experienced the sensor riiiiiiings.
Connie Conehead: So what? This is the new way I learned from the humans! Yes, my cone has been honed. But this does not mean we still can’t cruise and groove, and have a good time!
Kuldroth: Mut! Well, Beldar — your young one is nothing more than a… common… fluffrag!!
Beldar Conehead: [ he throws the suitcase down ] You can’t call my young one a common fluffrag!!
Kuldroth: Ohhh, yes I can! She is a fluffrag!
Beldar Conehead: She is not! Mip! Arbok!
Beldar Conehead: Mip!
Beldar Conehead: Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!
Kuldroth: I shall take pleasure personally kicking your cone![ the two aliens circle one another stealthily, then jump closer and begin to clap their hands between each other’s cones a few times before simultaneously rushing and crashing through the plate glass windows ] [ Mentuk glances out before finishing off the six-pack of beer ]
Prymaat Conehead: Our home planet of Remulak has scarcely altered since we left.
Connie Conehead: Yes. Let us consume mass quantities — it will be a long time before we get another six-pack.[ Prymaat, Connie, and Mentuk chug back a six-pack each, as the scene zooms out to a studio wide shot with SUPER: “Coming up Next: How To Forge Mental Notes” ] [ fade ]