Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 22
Buck Henry’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Buck Henry![ buck runs down to the apron of the stage, where a fold-out cot, vat of cottage cheese, and a stock await him ]
Buck Henry: Thank you. Thank you all very much. Now, uh, I’ve been here a few times before. And, uh, this time, when I was called to, uh, host the show again, I said… “well — I mean, uh, there’s not much I can do that I haven’t already done.” And, uh, the folks at NBC said, “Well… consider the stage… yours. Do anything you want. You have freedom.” NBC is the network that has broken taboos — this show is an iconoclastic show, it does anything it wants to do, it doesn’t play by the rules. So Lorne Michaels, the crack producer of “NBC’s Saturday Night Live”, said, “Do whatever you want. WHATEVER you want!” And, so, I took my cue from the city of New York, and from the 42nd Street area… and… I proposed to, to Lorne, and to the network… to base the show on, on the theme of… pornography. Or, for you intellectuals… FILTH. So… if, uh, if Lorne and, uh, NBC, and the “Saturday Night” crew is ready, I am about to offer them this challenge. to see if INDEED they’re ready to put their money where their mouth is. So I’ve ordered, as props, from this, uh, unbelievably, uh, well, uh — [ he touches the post ] This is a stock. [ he grabs a whip from it ] This is a leather whip. [ turns to the cot ] This is a clever fold-away bed. [ turns to the vat ] And this vat of cottage cheese — large curd. [ he splashes his hand in it and licks the leftover ] With which, if Mr. Michaels and the NBC censor… and the entire network, in fact, is ready… I offer the challenge that, for the first time, I propose, ON network television, to perform ON STAGE, a live sex act. How about THAT, Mr. Michaels!
Lorne Michaels V/O: Go ahead, Buck.
Buck Henry: [ he pauses dramtically ] WITH… a member of the audience.[ the audience cheers ]
Lorne Michaels V/O: The censor’s right beside me — he says fine, Buck.
Buck Henry: [ with mild surprise ] He says fine, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels V/O: Absolutely. Go ahead.
Buck Henry: Alright. We’ll just see about that. Could you, uh — [ licks cottage cheese off his finger ] get some shots of the audience, David? And we’ll see if there’s a likely volunteer for this television first.[ the camera cuts to an audience shot, as members wave enthusiastically to the camera ]
Buck Henry V/O: Mmm-hmm… yes. It could be you…
Buck Henry V/O: No, I… think not you, Sister. No. Maybe next year.[ the camera continues to pan across waving audience members ]
Buck Henry V/O: It could be you… no? Well, maybe…[ the camera pauses on a dominatrix wearing an eyepatch ]
Buck Henry V/O: What about you, lady? That’s not bad!
Buck Henry V/O: Huh? No. Okay.[ the camera pauses on an attractive woman in the audience ]
Buck Henry V/O: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold that camera! I think we see a volunteer! Yes, indeed! It definitely could be YOU! So… COME ON DOWN!![ the woman appears like she is about to stand, but the man dressed in gym clothes next to her stands up instead and rushes to the stage ] [ onstage, Buck opens the cot and prepares himself for adventure, unaware of the mix-up in the audience until it’s too late and the man grabs Buck from behind and throws him down onto the cot ]
Buck Henry: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Lorne Michaels V/O: Go ahead, Buck!
Buck Henry: [ muffled ] We’ll be right back…!