SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: Samurai B.M.O.C.


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Samurai B.M.O.C.

Secretary…..Gilda Radner
Jamal…..Garrett Morris
Dean Bynam…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Dean Bynam’s office, as his Secretary enters and approaches Jamal at the desk ]

Secretary: Uh — I’m terribly sorry for the delay. Dean Bynam will be with you in a moment — it’s just that he’s performing a live sex act onstage. Alright? Uh, you don’t mind waiting a little bit, do you?

[ he nods his head No ]

Secretary: [ she chuckles ] Excuse me.

[ the Secretary exits the office, as Jamal waits patiently ] [ finally, Dean Bynam enters ]

Dean Bynam: Sorry to keep you waiting. Just finishing my cottage cheese. [ he takes his seat behind the desk ] Now, uh — what can I do for you?

Jamal: Dean Bynam? We DEMAND that there be an end to racist hiring practices! We want our OWN all-Black Student Union, and we insist upon an increase! Uh — in funds allocated for Afro-American studies! Now, do you dig?!

Dean Bynam: Yes, I do, Keith.

Jamal: That’s Jamal!

Dean Bynam: Oh, Jamal. I’m sorry, yes.

[ Buck Henry misses his next line, as Garrett Morris shifts his eyes and waits for his cue ]

Jamal: Then, WHAT, may I ask, do you propose to DO about it?!

Dean Bynam: Not a thing!

Jamal: Well, if that is your answer, man, then the Organization of Afro-American Students will CONTINUE its occupation of this administration building until these demands are MET!!

Dean Bynam: Jamal, let me explain something to you. It’s been FIVE years since your group seized the administration building. [ he stands ] Am I right?

Jamal: Yeah!

Dean Bynam: During those last five years, haven’t you noticed the construction activity going on across the quad? You know, the bulldozers, the cranes?

Jamal: Yes. Yeah, I have.

Dean Bynam: What you saw, Keith… going up… was our new administration building —

Jamal: Jamal, man!

Dean Bynam: Jamal. Sorry. That’s our NEW adminstration building. It was going to be the new Afro-American Student Union Building, but when your group occupied the administration building, we decided to CHANGE the signs!

Jamal: [ as the shock sinks in ] In other words… our group has seized what’s now the old administration building…

Dean Bynam: And has been for the past five years. That’s why your list of demands has been given such little attention lately.

Jamal: Oh. Okay… I can dig that

Dean Bynam: Alright. so, if you’re still interested in those demands, I suggest you take over the new administration building, and then we’ll talk.

Jamal: You have an idea.

Dean Bynam: [ answering the phone ] Hello! Yes, honey. Yeah. I’m having an exceptionally rough day… [ to Jamal ] That will be all.

[ Jamal makes his exit ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] No, there’s one last student that I have to see.

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Uh — uh — the student is here now. Here’s his file.

Dean Bynam: Thank you.

[ Secretary exits ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] It’s some, uh, senior that I can’t allow to graduate. I don’t know — a Big Man On Campus who’s in for a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be another one. Okay. Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye. [ he hangs up ] [ Samurai Futaba enters the room ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

Dean Bynam: Take a seat, please.

[ Samurai grunts as he polishes an apple on his kimono and offers it to the Dean ]

Dean Bynam: That’s very nice of you, but, uh — take a seat, and let’s get right to the point.

[ Samurai grunts as he sits ]

Dean Bynam: Alright. Frankly… as Dean of Monroe College, I cannot, in good conscience, permit you to receive a degree from our school.

Samurai: [ with a grunt ] Hmm?

Dean Bynam: Yeah.

[ Samurai grunts a series of excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely not! I’ve heard it before. I’ve heard the explanations, I’ve heard the excuses…

[ Samurai grunts another excuse ]

Dean Bynam: I know you had mono — that’s no excuse.

[ Samurai grunts a series of further excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Listen, I’ve dealt with your kind for quite a long time, and you’re all fun and games. That’s all you seem to care about.

[ Samurai grunts with a “Big deal!” gesture ]

Dean Bynam: Alright, you’re still not convinced? Let’s look at the record. As good ol’ Calvin Coolidge said…

[ Samurai grunts a correction ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, you’re right — it was Al Smith. He did say that. [ looking at Samurai’s record ] I see you’ve been a busy man for these past four years: you were President of your dormitory, a member of the Debating team, the Future Nurses of America, uh, you ran the sushi concession at the home basketball games, and were a member of the Yuong Republicans. Very impressive.

[ Samurai gives himself a hand cheer ]

Dean Bynam: Your grades are another story.

[ Samurai clears his throat and offers more excuses ]

Dean Bynam: No, no, no. No, no.

[ Samurai grunts a rambling excuse ]

Dean Bynam: What did you say? That’s ridiculous!

[ Samurai grunts ]

Dean Bynam: Yes! But you MAJORED in Biology, and you FAILED CHemistry, Physics, and Calculus!

Samurai: Oh?

Dean Bynam: As a matter of fact, the only course you did well in was Organic Chemistry, and that’s the toughest course we offer. EVERYONE fails that, and you got — you got a “A” in it. You took it with Ms. Bennett, no less, a really tough cookie of a professor. How did you manage that with Ms. Bennett?

[ the Samurai slides his sword in and out of his sheath ]

Dean Bynam: I’ll have to talk to Ms. Bennett later… Uh — well, that does explain it. Now, let’s look at your record.

[ Samurai slaps his hands together ]

Dean Bynam: Alright… you failed Asian Studies. That’s the easiest course we give! I mean, just being able to identify the continent of Asia should be able to give you a “C” in that course!

[ Samurai grunts at Dean Bynam ]

Dean Bynam: YES!

[ Samurai asks permission to identify Asia ]

Dean Bynam: Of course!

[ the Samurai whips out his sword, and gives a violent swipe in the direction of Dean Bynam’s globe. He slices off the side of the globe and hands it to Dan Bynam. ]

Dean Bynam: Yeah. That’s Asia, alright. Alright, we can change that to a “C”, I guess. [ he makes the change ] But, uh, a “C” will not give you a passing average. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to notify your parents. That’s my decision.

[ Samurai panics, and begins to grunt for mercy ]

Dean Bynam: Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Your grandfather will have to know. I suppose — I suppose they were probably very strict with you?

[ Samurai grunts and displays a bent-back finger on his hand ]

Dean Bynam: I understand. But I’m telling you there is NOTHING I can do! I MUST fail you! You CANNOT graduate!

[ Samurai whips out his hari-kari sword and presses it against his stomach ]

Dean Bynam: Ooooooh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Alright! Alright. Alright, you can graduate. If you’re willing to go that far, I can allow you to graduate. But you do understand this is not going to be easy. I’ve got to convince the Academic Credits Committee.

[ Samurai grunts and waves his hand ]

Dean Bynam: Well… it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, the President is an old fraternity brother of mine.

[ Samurai grunts in surprise ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, yes. I belong to a fraternity.

[ Samurai grunts proudly ]

Dean Bynam: You were in a fraternity? Really? Which one?

[ the Samurai jumps to his feet, whips out his sword, and swipes three times at the top of the rolled-up curtain along one window. Dean Bynam rises, pulls the curtain down, and reveals the fraternity symbols slices into the curtain. ]

Dean Bynam: Ahhh! Phi Delta Watashi! Listen, this is incredible! We’re brothers!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely! Look! [ he grabs a pillow ] Here’s the Phi Delt pillow!

[ they perform their fraternity handshake ]

Dean Bynam: You remember the yell? The fraternity yell?

[ they perform the fraternity yell together ]

Dean Bynam: This is incredible! Alright, you CAN graduate!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Yes, indeed!

[ Samurai throws the fraternity pillow into the air, then swats it with his sword. He reaches down to retrieve his morterboard and places it on his head. ]

Dean Bynam: Congratulations!

[ they shake hands and freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

[ camera rises into the audience, and zooms in on unsuspecting woman with SUPER: “Finally Fell In With The Right Crowd” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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