SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: Samurai B.M.O.C.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Samurai B.M.O.C.

Secretary…..Gilda Radner
Jamal…..Garrett Morris
Dean Bynam…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Dean Bynam’s office, as his Secretary enters and approaches Jamal at the desk ]

Secretary: Uh — I’m terribly sorry for the delay. Dean Bynam will be with you in a moment — it’s just that he’s performing a live sex act onstage. Alright? Uh, you don’t mind waiting a little bit, do you?

[ he nods his head No ]

Secretary: [ she chuckles ] Excuse me.

[ the Secretary exits the office, as Jamal waits patiently ] [ finally, Dean Bynam enters ]

Dean Bynam: Sorry to keep you waiting. Just finishing my cottage cheese. [ he takes his seat behind the desk ] Now, uh — what can I do for you?

Jamal: Dean Bynam? We DEMAND that there be an end to racist hiring practices! We want our OWN all-Black Student Union, and we insist upon an increase! Uh — in funds allocated for Afro-American studies! Now, do you dig?!

Dean Bynam: Yes, I do, Keith.

Jamal: That’s Jamal!

Dean Bynam: Oh, Jamal. I’m sorry, yes.

[ Buck Henry misses his next line, as Garrett Morris shifts his eyes and waits for his cue ]

Jamal: Then, WHAT, may I ask, do you propose to DO about it?!

Dean Bynam: Not a thing!

Jamal: Well, if that is your answer, man, then the Organization of Afro-American Students will CONTINUE its occupation of this administration building until these demands are MET!!

Dean Bynam: Jamal, let me explain something to you. It’s been FIVE years since your group seized the administration building. [ he stands ] Am I right?

Jamal: Yeah!

Dean Bynam: During those last five years, haven’t you noticed the construction activity going on across the quad? You know, the bulldozers, the cranes?

Jamal: Yes. Yeah, I have.

Dean Bynam: What you saw, Keith… going up… was our new administration building —

Jamal: Jamal, man!

Dean Bynam: Jamal. Sorry. That’s our NEW adminstration building. It was going to be the new Afro-American Student Union Building, but when your group occupied the administration building, we decided to CHANGE the signs!

Jamal: [ as the shock sinks in ] In other words… our group has seized what’s now the old administration building…

Dean Bynam: And has been for the past five years. That’s why your list of demands has been given such little attention lately.

Jamal: Oh. Okay… I can dig that

Dean Bynam: Alright. so, if you’re still interested in those demands, I suggest you take over the new administration building, and then we’ll talk.

Jamal: You have an idea.

Dean Bynam: [ answering the phone ] Hello! Yes, honey. Yeah. I’m having an exceptionally rough day… [ to Jamal ] That will be all.

[ Jamal makes his exit ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] No, there’s one last student that I have to see.

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Uh — uh — the student is here now. Here’s his file.

Dean Bynam: Thank you.

[ Secretary exits ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] It’s some, uh, senior that I can’t allow to graduate. I don’t know — a Big Man On Campus who’s in for a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be another one. Okay. Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye. [ he hangs up ] [ Samurai Futaba enters the room ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

Dean Bynam: Take a seat, please.

[ Samurai grunts as he polishes an apple on his kimono and offers it to the Dean ]

Dean Bynam: That’s very nice of you, but, uh — take a seat, and let’s get right to the point.

[ Samurai grunts as he sits ]

Dean Bynam: Alright. Frankly… as Dean of Monroe College, I cannot, in good conscience, permit you to receive a degree from our school.

Samurai: [ with a grunt ] Hmm?

Dean Bynam: Yeah.

[ Samurai grunts a series of excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely not! I’ve heard it before. I’ve heard the explanations, I’ve heard the excuses…

[ Samurai grunts another excuse ]

Dean Bynam: I know you had mono — that’s no excuse.

[ Samurai grunts a series of further excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Listen, I’ve dealt with your kind for quite a long time, and you’re all fun and games. That’s all you seem to care about.

[ Samurai grunts with a “Big deal!” gesture ]

Dean Bynam: Alright, you’re still not convinced? Let’s look at the record. As good ol’ Calvin Coolidge said…

[ Samurai grunts a correction ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, you’re right — it was Al Smith. He did say that. [ looking at Samurai’s record ] I see you’ve been a busy man for these past four years: you were President of your dormitory, a member of the Debating team, the Future Nurses of America, uh, you ran the sushi concession at the home basketball games, and were a member of the Yuong Republicans. Very impressive.

[ Samurai gives himself a hand cheer ]

Dean Bynam: Your grades are another story.

[ Samurai clears his throat and offers more excuses ]

Dean Bynam: No, no, no. No, no.

[ Samurai grunts a rambling excuse ]

Dean Bynam: What did you say? That’s ridiculous!

[ Samurai grunts ]

Dean Bynam: Yes! But you MAJORED in Biology, and you FAILED CHemistry, Physics, and Calculus!

Samurai: Oh?

Dean Bynam: As a matter of fact, the only course you did well in was Organic Chemistry, and that’s the toughest course we offer. EVERYONE fails that, and you got — you got a “A” in it. You took it with Ms. Bennett, no less, a really tough cookie of a professor. How did you manage that with Ms. Bennett?

[ the Samurai slides his sword in and out of his sheath ]

Dean Bynam: I’ll have to talk to Ms. Bennett later… Uh — well, that does explain it. Now, let’s look at your record.

[ Samurai slaps his hands together ]

Dean Bynam: Alright… you failed Asian Studies. That’s the easiest course we give! I mean, just being able to identify the continent of Asia should be able to give you a “C” in that course!

[ Samurai grunts at Dean Bynam ]

Dean Bynam: YES!

[ Samurai asks permission to identify Asia ]

Dean Bynam: Of course!

[ the Samurai whips out his sword, and gives a violent swipe in the direction of Dean Bynam’s globe. He slices off the side of the globe and hands it to Dan Bynam. ]

Dean Bynam: Yeah. That’s Asia, alright. Alright, we can change that to a “C”, I guess. [ he makes the change ] But, uh, a “C” will not give you a passing average. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to notify your parents. That’s my decision.

[ Samurai panics, and begins to grunt for mercy ]

Dean Bynam: Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Your grandfather will have to know. I suppose — I suppose they were probably very strict with you?

[ Samurai grunts and displays a bent-back finger on his hand ]

Dean Bynam: I understand. But I’m telling you there is NOTHING I can do! I MUST fail you! You CANNOT graduate!

[ Samurai whips out his hari-kari sword and presses it against his stomach ]

Dean Bynam: Ooooooh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Alright! Alright. Alright, you can graduate. If you’re willing to go that far, I can allow you to graduate. But you do understand this is not going to be easy. I’ve got to convince the Academic Credits Committee.

[ Samurai grunts and waves his hand ]

Dean Bynam: Well… it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, the President is an old fraternity brother of mine.

[ Samurai grunts in surprise ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, yes. I belong to a fraternity.

[ Samurai grunts proudly ]

Dean Bynam: You were in a fraternity? Really? Which one?

[ the Samurai jumps to his feet, whips out his sword, and swipes three times at the top of the rolled-up curtain along one window. Dean Bynam rises, pulls the curtain down, and reveals the fraternity symbols slices into the curtain. ]

Dean Bynam: Ahhh! Phi Delta Watashi! Listen, this is incredible! We’re brothers!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely! Look! [ he grabs a pillow ] Here’s the Phi Delt pillow!

[ they perform their fraternity handshake ]

Dean Bynam: You remember the yell? The fraternity yell?

[ they perform the fraternity yell together ]

Dean Bynam: This is incredible! Alright, you CAN graduate!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Yes, indeed!

[ Samurai throws the fraternity pillow into the air, then swats it with his sword. He reaches down to retrieve his morterboard and places it on his head. ]

Dean Bynam: Congratulations!

[ they shake hands and freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

[ camera rises into the audience, and zooms in on unsuspecting woman with SUPER: “Finally Fell In With The Right Crowd” ] [ fade ]

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