Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 22
Written by: Bill Murray & Gilda Radner
Richard Herkiman … Bill Murray
Jane Herkiman … Gilda Radner
Richard Cularsky … Buck Henry
[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from thewaist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, andbegins what is clearly his morning routine:]
Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day,another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let’s go! Come on,let’s go, let’s go! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.[starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga,hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that’s cold! Cold! ThatMexican family’s gotta go! Oh! All the hot water’sgone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on thetiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! RichardHerkiman! Hey – hey!
[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end ofwhich is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., aShower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience.Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift asif it were a real microphone.]
Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you verymuch. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles’song “Something”] Well, there’s something in the waythat that girl mooooooves – that attracts me like noother lover! Yeah, there’s something in the way thatshe woo-oo-oos me.
Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey?Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen –[sings] I don’t want to leave her now — [speaks] avery special guest! [sings] You know I believe andhow!
Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. RichardHerkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!
[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to latherup.]
Jane: I just want to– Honey, would you quit foolingaround? I just want to take a quick shower, allright? If you don’t mind.
Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel aboutsinging a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to herface]
Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I’m justtaking a shower.
Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mindsinging that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginaryaudience] Come on, let’s hear it for her! Come on!Let’s hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audienceapplauds.]
Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to hermouth]
Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingersand joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why notlook around you and you’ll see– [speaks] Oh, Richard,stop it! You’re being silly. [starts washing herself]
Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth]Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to knowif you really love me. Do you, honey?
Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone,Richard?
Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heartand soul? Come on, honey!
Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you
Richard Herkiman: “I love you” — I know this is cornyand old-fashioned but, come on, there’s nobody else,is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?
Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I’m in a hurry.
Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks outthere, what my wife doesn’t know is that I know she’sbeen cheating on me for the last couple of years andwe’ve got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the manshe’s been seeing behind my back for the last twoyears, here he is! — Richard Cularsky! Come on in,Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and RichardCularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to haveyou aboard! Good to have you.
Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?![Cularsky kisses Jane]
Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way fromhis home in the city to be with us here today. Isn’tthat terrific?
Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another]Something tells me I shouldn’t have come, you’re toosurprised — but I do love you, come what may.
Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, youkids must spend a lot of time in the shower togetherwhen I’m not here, huh?
[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy’s mouth as Jane grabsa bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed”guest.”]
Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it’s funny — I – I’ll tellyou the truth. A lot of people have the wrong ideaabout that. It’s actually a lot safer to rent a hotelroom. You know, there’s much less chance of meeting anaunt or an uncle. And you don’t have to worry aboutchanging the sheets on the bed!
Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involvedin this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you’ve beenconfronted with this thing now — are ya gonna breakit off with him for the good of your marriage or areyou just gonna continue to stick the knife in andtwist it and twist it, huh?
[Jane and Cularsky laugh.]
Jane: [big grin] Yes, Richard, that’s exactly whatwe’re gonna do!
Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you’ll haveto excuse me, but, uh, I’m an emotional guy and Ireally hate to get bad news. I’m sorry but that’s theway I’m built. Okay. Gee, I’m afraid that’s all thetime I’ve got for today. Thanks, kids, for droppingby.
Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want tosee that — want to say that we’ll be in Philadelphiathe first week in June at the Statler Hotel.
Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I’ll be looking foryou there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the showercurtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit theshower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and theguy she’s been messing around with!
Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thankyou. That’s about – that’s about all the time we’vegot for– I’ve gotta finish up my shower and jump onthat busy, crazy commuter train o’ mine and get backinto work. We’re gonna go to a commercial right now.Is that right? We’re gonna go to a commercial. But,before, I’d like to go out on one of my favoritesongs. [sings “My Way”] And now the time has come forme to close the shower curtain. [closes the showercurtain] I did what I have to do — [speaks] we’ll seeya tomorrow! — [sings] and saw it through …
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER:
“Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu”