Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 14
Steve Martin’s Monologue
Steve Martin: Hey, we’re having some fun now, eh kids? [ sips water, spits ] Excuse me! Sorry, I didn’t mean to.. get some on you there. We’re having some fun – hey! [ picks up camera, snaps his own picture ] Excuse me! Alright! Hey, you get to see a show; all I have are.. memories. I paid $900 for this – is that too much? I don’t know. Okay. We’re moving! I tell you what – let’s rip the place apart! Sorry, folks. Okay, we’ll be starting in a few moments – just waiting.. for the drugs.. to take effect.. and then.. Ah! Okay, here we go![ Steve’s feet begin to dance out of control ]
Uh-oh! I’m getting.. Happy Feet! [ Steve’s feet dance out of control again ] See, every once in a while that happens, I have no control over it. Sorry. Okay. We’re moving along now.
I’d like to get serious with the opening of the show. But, uh.. you probably heard I was into the comedy thing, but, uh.. I’m kinda getting out of that now, and getting more into the music. I’d like to open the show with one of my favorite kinds of tunes – this is a traditional American Indian folk song. Now, I realize we’re on TV, I can’t just come out here and sing one of the great tunes – one of my favorites – and have people get into the same way I have. So, what I’ve done, I’ve.. jazzed it up a little bit, for TV. Basically, I kept it very traditional, but I think you’re gonna dig this, so.. here we go. [ makes Indian moaning sounds ] Wo-oh wo-oh-ohhhhhh!! [ continues Indian moaning sounds ] LIttle girrrrl! Okay, thank you very much!
Excuse me! I feel good tonight, because, uh.. well, I’ve finally got a goal in life, and that’s.. that’s what pleases me, is to be able to have a goal, and this is why I’m so happy, becaus.. it’s important – the thing you have to learn, in having a goal, is not to set an impossible goal, something too high you can never reach. You gotta have a series of smaller goals, that you can accomplish, and slowly work your way up. And this is what I have done. That’s why I’m so happy. My goal: right now, I want to be the all-being master of time, space and dimension. Then, I want ot go to Europe – I think.
I mentioned that, earlier in the show, a drug joke – and I hate to do that, because it creates a mess, and I’m not into drugs any more. I quit completely, and I hate people who are still into it. Well.. I do take one drug now – for fun – and, maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s a new thing, I don’t know if you have or not. It’s a new thing, it makes you small. [ indicates size with fingers ] About this big. And, you know, I’ll be home, sitting with my friends, and, uh.. we’ll be sitting around, and somebody will say, “Heeeyyy.. let’s get small!” So, you know, we get small, and uh.. the only bad thing is if some tall people come over. You’re walking around going, “Ah hahaha..!” Now, I know I shouldn’t get small when I’m driving.. but I was driving around the other day, and I said, “What the heck?” You know? So I’m driving like.. [ extends arms high in the air like he’s reaching up to a giant steering wheel ] And, uh.. a cop pulls me over. And he makes me get out, he looks at me and he says, “Heyyy.. are you small”? I said, “No-o-o! I’m not!” He said, “Well, I’m gonna have to measure you.” They have this little test they give you – they give you a balloon.. and if you can get inside of it, they know you’re small. Now, I’ve already talked it over with the cast – they’ve been working all week, it’s a tough thing to do, come out here live. Immediately after the show, we’re all gonna go out.. and get really small!
Okay, we have a great show tonight – Lily Tomlin, special guest; The Kinks; and, uh, the Not Ready For Prime Time Players – [ speedily ] JohnbelushiDanaykroydGarrett… So, we’ll be back in just a moment – thanks a lot! Good night!