Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Mardi Gras Special
The Wild Bees Motorcycle Club
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
The Scab…..Bill Murray
Jake the Snake…..John Belushi
The Tongue…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Penny Marshall standing off to the side of a fountain, holding a can of beer and waiting for her cue ]
Voice of Rhonda Weiss: I can’t seee those —
[ Penny now steps closer to Rhonda Weiss and Sherry seated on the edge of the fountain ]
Penny: Any of you want a beer before we have to get back to the restaurant?
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, no beer for me. One beer, and I’m Queen of the Cellulite Parade!
[ Penny struggles to sit on the edge, raising her petticoat to adjust her posture ]
Penny: Oh, boy.. oh, boy.. oh, boy. [ removes her tennis shoe ] Look – another blister.
Rhonda Weiss: [ examines Penny’s foot ] Mmm.
Penny: Oh, boy. I hate waiting tables.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I hate EVERYTHING!
Sherry: Oh, quit complaining, you guys! Quit whining, it’s really getting sickening! I mean, I think serving people is really, really interesting! You know? Have you noticed the different ways that people chew?
Penny: [ sarcastically ] Oh, that’s really beautiful, Sherry.
Rhonda Weiss: Well, so – where are the guys? I mean, I came here to meet guys! Where are the guys?!
Penny: Everybody came to Mardi Gras to meet guys – even the guys.
Sherry: Oh, come on! Just working at the restaurant, you met TONS of guys!
Penny: Ah, they were all too short.
Rhonda Weiss: Yeah, well, I thought this was going to be like “Where The Boys Are.” I mean, even Connie Francis met a guy.
Sherry: None of the guys are sincere down here. I mean, let’s face it: I mean, they just want to get into my ??
Penny: I wish something exciting would happen. [ swigs from a bottle ]
Rhonda & Sherry: Yeah.. yeah.. me, too..
Penny: I’m bored.
Rhonda Weiss: I’m bored, too. You know, I didn’t even get a darn tip this afternoon.
Rhonda Weiss: Not a cent!
[ their conversation is muffled as the sounds of “Born to be Wild” blare into the scenery, and three Bikers Bees roll into the scene on their Harley-Davidsons ]
The SCab: Hi, girls! We’re the Shriner’s Drill Team! [ guffaws ] Aw, come on! No, seriously – we’re the Wild Bees Motorcycle Club, from National City, California. [ points himself and his buddies out ] Im The Scab.. this is Jake the Snake.. and this is.. The Tongue!
[ The Tongue hangs his tongue out pathetically ]
The Scab: Now, uh – one of you is gonna be with The Tongue. Okay?
[ pull out to reveal that The Tongue is smitten with a horrified and disgusted Penny ]
Rhonda & Sherry: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Penny: Are these guys?
Sherry: [ excited ] I don’t know! But I think Scab’s a real FOX!
The Tongue: We just rode in from Corpus Christi, Texas! We blew up a small town for a friend! [ chuckles ] We need some girls to take CARE of us! We don’t know how to COOK! And how to SEW! We don’t KNOW!
Penny: I’m glad we came into town!
The Girls: You want to go? I don’t know, you want to go? Do you want to go?
[ The Tongue proceeds to lift Penny’s petticoat and have a look ]
Penny: He’s got a decent looking hardware, and, uh, we ain’t at no sissy bar. [ turns to The Tongue ] Okay, Kong – take me!
The Tongue: Yeah!!! [ picks Penny up and lays her across his Harley ]
Sherry: Yeah, you know, Scab – that’s a really, really cute shovel head!
The SCab: Yeah, well, uh – are you dating anybody right now? ‘Cause, uh, if you’re not, I’d like to take ya’ home and beat ya’ up, you know what I mean?
[ Scab and Sherry hop on his Harley ]
Rhonda Weiss: Um, excuse me, um, Jake the Snake. Is this, uh, real leather, or just naugahyde?
Jake the Snake: [ blows smoke at Rhonda’s face ] You know what your gonna do?! You’re comin’ back to California with me! Come back to your block house! Listen! I’m an ANIMAL!! I call party animals, animals from parties! anything will do! We’ll shave your head and chain you to the roof and wipe our feet on ‘ya! And then we’ll make ‘ya pick up after us! Whattaya say?! you wanna come?! [ thrusts her to the ground ]
Rhonda Weiss: Uhhh – yeah.
Jake the Snake: [ gentle ] Alright.
[ they climb on Jake’s Harley, as all the Bees ride off into the night to the sounds of “Born to be Wild” ]
[ dissolve to a full shot of the crowd ]
[ zoom in on New Orleans woman, add SUPER: “Owned Alex Haley’s Grandfather” ]
[ fade ]