SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Computerized Confession



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1






77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Computerized Confession

Woman…..Rosie Shuster
Priest…..Dan Aykroyd
Man…..Garrett Morris
Woman…..Rosie Shuster

[ open on exterior, confessional ] [ a woman, kneeling, makies the Sign of the Cross and then exits, as ?? steps forward and kneels at the confessional on the opposite side ] [ cut to interior, confessional, as the Priet slides the partition to begin ]

Man: Forgive me, Father. It has been six years since my last confession. In that time, I’ve received absolution and I’ve performed my penance. These are my sins.

Priest: Well, it’s been a while since you last came to confession. [ he smiles ] There’s been a lot of changes in six years. Go ahead with my, uh — your confession, my son.

Man: Well, where should I start? My life’s a mess, Father! I have so many sins…

Priest: Well… which one troubles you the most?

Man: Well, you see — I’m married, and I have BEEN with another woman.

Priest: Mmm-hmm. Is she, too, beholden to another man?

Man: Yes! She’s married.

Priest: I see. So you’ve broken the sixth and the ninth commandments?

Man: Mmm-hmm.

[ suddenly, a machine begins to beep wildly ]

Man: Hey… hey… Hey, Father, wh-wh-what’s that noise…?

Priest: I told you, my son — the church has undergone quite a few changes. Contrary to what you might have been reading, the Church IS progressive, and, uh, has modernized. [ he acknowledges a computer system before him ] This is the Trinity-300 Central Processing Unit, with an address capacity of 70 bits of information.

Man: [ curious ] Uh, well, what’s it for?

Priest: Well, basically, it’s a modern priest’s companion. This terminal, here, has a direct link-up to the arch-darabank in Rome. It assists the priests in, uh, analyzing transgressions in the assignment of appropriate penance. Now, you said this other woman was married, didn’t you?

Man: Yeah.

[ the Priest types the information into the CPU ] [ screen reads: “Sin Series #10148” ] [ screen reads: “Commandment #6: Adultery” ] [ screen reads: “Commandment #9: Covet: wife” ] [ screen reads: “Transgressions to date: Anno Domini 1977 – 2,600,808” ] [ next screen reads: “RECOMMENDED PENANCE (flashing) 10 Hail Marys” ]

Priest: Alright, ten Hail Marys. Okay, anything else?

Man: Yeah, well, I got rid of her husband.

Priest: How did you do that?

Man: Well, I’m the Personnel Director for a large chemical company. We have offices all over the world.

Priest: All right.

Man: Her husband worked for me, and it got to be a hassle, Father, so I transferred him to Beirut. I put him up in the Holiday Inn, and his room got shelled. Now, did I kill him, or not?

Priest: Beats me. Let’s check. [ he types the information into the CPU ] [ screen reads: “ACTED TO REMOVE HUSBAND” ] [ screen reads: “INDIRECTLY CAUSED DEATH” ] [ next screen reads: “see : David and Bathsheba” ] [ next screen reads: “SIN OF PASSION — Not directly responsible” ] [ screen reads: (flashing) “NO PENALTY” ]

Priest: Nooo, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You didn’t commit murder.

Man: [ aghast ] Well, I wish you would tell his son that! He’s after me — for breaking up his family!

Priest: Well, what do you mean he’s “after you”?

Man: Well, he hired two guys to follow me, man. They’re out there NOW — Father. Excuse me for calling you “man”. They’re out there NOW! That’s why I ducked in here in the first place!

Priest: I see… hmm… hmm…

Man: I’ve got to get OUT of here, get away, think things over…

Priest: [ thinking ] Well, where do you think it would be safe for you to go?

Man: Well, I’ve got relatives in Chicago… maybe I could get a flight out tonight

Priest: [ typing ] Will that be First Class or Coach?

Man: That would be First Class.

Priest: Smoking or Non-smoking?

Man: Smoking.

Priest: Okay. Would you like a rental car waiting for you when you get into Chicago?

Man: Yeah, whatcha got?

Priest: Let’s see… [ typing ] We’ve got a mid-sized sedan, or a little hatchback.

Man: Hatchback!

Priest: Good choice. It’s a gas saver. [ types the final few keystrokes ] Okay, are you sorry for your sins?

Man: Yeahhhh, sure!

Priest: Say those ten Hail Marys now?

Man: Uh, I certainly will, Father!

Priest: [ hands his tickets over ] Alright, bless you, my son. Have a nice flight.

[ the man smiles and makes his exit ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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