SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 09/24/77: Two Wild & Crazy Guys


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Two Wild & Crazy Guys

Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Lynn…..Jane Curtin
Barb…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Lynn and Barb playing Ping-Pong in apartment complex Rec Room ] [ suddenly, George and Yortuk Festrunk, two wild and crazy guys, Czech brothers dressed in tight pants and loud unbuttoned polyester shirts, medallions swinging over their chests, enter the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt! But I was just wondering something. I am Georg Festrunk, and this is my brother Yortuk. We have a wash going in the next room, and we need some change for the dryer, can you help?

Barb: Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t have any change.

Georg Festrunk: [ laughs ] Well, you know, usually we have lots of change, because we are both swinging guys! Both my brother Yortuk and I enjoy doing many things.

Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

Georg Festrunk: I’ll say!

Yortuk Festrunk: Why.. just the other day, we were enjoying ourselves so much, I can’t tell you!

Georg Festrunk: Say, you know, this is some swinging singles apartment building Rec Room! You could have here many good swinging times! Which you would enjoy a great deal!

Yortuk Festrunk: It’s so thought out and together!

Georg Festrunk: Look at you swinging girls, having such a good time, enjoying yourselves here and now!

Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t mention it!

Georg Festrunk: My brother and I are from Czechoslavakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the ’75 riots, by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America, but, boy, we gave up many things. Back there, we have a nice, groovy apartment, three cars and a summer house, which the government now owns! [ laughs ] Back there, we have medical degrees – but here in America we must be salesman for decorative bathroom fixtures. There, we are brain surgeons!

Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. unique kinds of guys!

Georg Festrunk: Two swinging guys who enjoy many things, and can do them all the time! Not to be polite, but what are your names?

Lynn: Uh.. Lynn.

Barb: Uh.. Barb.

Georg Festrunk: Well, you two look like some fox-y American girls, who are very attractive and who enjoy having a good swinging time!

[ Lynn and Barb laugh at the antics ]

Georg Festrunk: So many times, this game has been played by me and my brother! I think you would see just how swinging we are, if we played the game for you right now!

Yortuk Festrunk: You want to shoot a game?

Georg Festrunk: Sure! There’s nothing preventing us!

Barb: Uh.. listen, guys.. we’re right in the middle of a game.. we’d like to finish it..

Georg Festrunk: Well, why should we wait? We’re putting the moves on you fox-es!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! How much do you weigh?

Lynn: Uh.. about 110.. 115..

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Just tell me when you want me to come home with you!

[ Georg and Yortuk demonstrate their Ping-Pong prowess – George serves the ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Good shot, Yortuk!

Yortuk Festrunk: I win again! [ laughs ] We sure are coming on to you! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: But enough of this flattery. You young girls seem to know that we’re talking to you in a very swinging way. What can you say to us that we would enjoy talking about with you now, here and now, in this swinging way with us?

[ awkward silence for a beat ]

Barb: Well.. um..

Lynn: Well.. um..

Georg Festrunk: Maybe you’ve taken some.. drugs.. which gave you many pretty colors. That freak you out and make you want to die!

Lynn: Well.. uh..

Barb: Well.. uh.. oh! [ speaking slowly for full comprehension ] I knew this girl in coll-ege that took ac-id and got preg-nant.

[ Georg and Yortuk are impressed with the shift in conversation ]

Georg Festrunk: Well, this is sure a swinging rap session in America!

Lynn: Well.. um.. I don’t take.. [ restructures her sentence for full comprehension ] I take drugs – no!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well, maybe someday, someone will put some in your food!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh like they made a brilliant, profound statement ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t smell anything!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh some more ]

Georg Festrunk: So now.. you know!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh even more ]

Georg Festrunk: Say.. my brother Yortuk and I, we really enjoy the American disco music! So, to show you how swinging we are, and how much we love it, we’re going to dance for you now! With you, by putting some music on the jukeobx!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ makes a grab for Barb ] Come on, you crazy girl!

Barb: Um..

Georg Festrunk: Come on, fox-es! Don’t miss out on the fun!

[ disco music is turned on, as Georg and Yortuk demostrate their ridiculous dancing moves ]

Georg Festrunk: I see you two girls have never lived in a Communist bloc country, so.. get out of our ways!

Lynn: We’ve gotta lose these guys..

Barb: Yeah, we gotta go..

[ Lynn and Barb turn to exit the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Hey, hey, hey, wait! [ runs over toward Lynn and Barb ] You know.. you American girls have such big breasts all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: [ stammering ] And your tight American blue jeans think us.. have.. have.. making sex! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Well.. I guess you must like us by now! So, please! Give us the number of your apartment, so we can go up there and have sex with you right now!

Lynn: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go someplace and meet, first?

Georg Festrunk: [ excited by his prospects ] Certainly! But I hope it is not long before all our clothes are off!

Yortuk Festrunk: And we are holding your big American breasts in our hands!

Lynn: I’ve got an idea! Do you know the Holland Tunnel?

Georg Festrunk: Of course! We swing there often!

Lynn: Meet us in the middle of the Holland Tunnel. Do you know the man in the glass booth?

Georg Festrunk: Naturally!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yeah! He knows our names – Georg and Yortuk!

Lynn: Well, you go there, and park there, and wait for us.

Barb: Yeah, yeah. We’ll meet you there as son as we slip into our big American breasts!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! We’ll have a swinging time!

Yortuk Festrunk: When we see you, we will wish we were having sex with you right then!

Lynn: Bye bye..

[ Barb and Lynn exit Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Oh, you see, Yortuk, I told you! In this whole building, there is not one other pair of brothers from Czechoslavakia who ran from the tanks like us!

[ George serves the Ping-Pong ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]

Yortuk Festrunk: I win again!

Georg Festrunk: Good shot!

Yortuk Festrunk: Thank you. Don’t mention it!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughs excitedly ] Let’s go to the swinging Holland Tunnel now!

[ they hop out of the Rec Room on one leg ] [ zoom upward into audience, stop at woman with SUPER: “Faking it, but at least trying” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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