Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer
Mike McMack…..Steve Martin
Miss Kazursky…..Gilda Radner
[ open on courtroom drama scene ]
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! One more outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom waived! Begin again, Counselor.
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, you were telling the court that my client, who has no previous record of sex offenses, walked up two flights of stairs, picked out your apartment, lured you into opening the door, and then forcibly raped you?!
Miss Kazursky: Yes!
Announcer: And now it’s time for another law adventure with “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, what were you wearing when you opened that door?
Miss Kazursky: My flannel nightgown.
Mike McMack: Ah. And what were you doing in a flannel nightie.. at four in the afternoon?
Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I was taking a bath.. and I heard a knock at the door.
Mike McMack: Ah. I see. You hear a knock at the door. So you stand up, stark-naked, the water and soap suds glistening on your supple breasts. Quickly, you rub yourself with a towel, then dance across the room, your nipples hardening in the breeze. Slipping on a soft, flimsy negligee, you run to the door and open it in anticipation! Is that correct!
Miss Kazursky: [ shocked ] Wha.. what..? Sort of.. I-I-I-
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, is it not true, that in 1971, you were.. divorced?
Miss Kazursky: [ stammering ] Yeah! But-but I don’t see what that has anything to do with-
Mike McMack: Now, Miss Kazursky, remember you are under oath. In the last six years, have you had.. sex?
Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I-I’m 35 years old-
Mike McMack: Just answer the question, yes or no!!
Miss Kazursky: Y-yes..
Mike McMack: How many times, Miss Kazursky?
Miss Kazursky: Well, uh.. uh..
Objection! Your Honor, Mr. McMack is pursuing an irrelevant line of questioning!
Mike McMack: Your Honor, what my distinguished colleague does not understand is that.. [ rubs Judge’s head ] ..what I am trying to do is establish, in a logical, coherent manner, that the witness is a cheap tart!
Miss Kazursky: [ crying ]
Mike McMack: [ chuckles with delight ] Now, Miss Kazurksy, how many times did you have sex between 1971 and last night?
Miss Kazursky: Thirty-eight!
[ courtroom murmurs ]
Mike McMack: Thir-ty-eight. Gentlemen of the jury – 38. not.. five.. not sev-en! Thir-ty-eight. And did you bring these men to your apartment.
Miss Kazursky: It wasn’t 38 men, it was 38 times!
Mike McMack: Just answer the question yes or no! did you bring these men to your apartment!
Miss Kazursky: Well.. yes!
Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, in 1965, were you involved in a civil rights organization?
Prosecutor: Oh, come on!
Mike McMack: [ chuckles heartily ] And why did you work there?
Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help blacks register.
Mike McMack: You wanted to help the black man!
Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help-
Mike McMack: And that’s exactly what went through your mind as you opened the door in that flimsy negligee!!
Miss Kazursky: [ crying ] No! No!
Mike McMack: I have no further questions, your Honor, no more!!
Judge: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order, gentlemen!
Prosecutor: Your Honor, the witness is too emotionally disturbed to continue, may I move for a recess! Please!
Judge: Okay, court will recess until tomorrow morning at 9 am. [exits courtroom ]
Mike McMack: Good night, Tom. See you later.
Prosecutor: [ approaches his client at the stand ] Miss Kazursky, I’m sorry that you were made to feel as if you were on trial here, instead of that.. that rapist. Oh, well, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?
[ Prosecutor approaches McMack ]
Prosecutor: McMack! Great job.
Mike McMack: Thanks.
Prosecutor: You made me look like an amateur out there!
Mike McMack: Part of my job.
Prosecutor: And the way you turned the race thing around, to make her look like the bad guy. That was brilliant! I tell you, Mike, I’d give anything to beat you just once!
Mike McMack: Hey – maybe when I get a client who isn’t guilty!
[ they laugh ]
[ McMack walks over to Miss Kazursky, who’s still bawling her eyes out at the stand ]
Mike McMack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? [ no response ] You’re not still mad about this trial thing, are you? Come on, it’s the way I make a buck! Come on, let me take you out for a big steak, what do you say?
Miss Kazursky: How can you talk to me that way? You put me on trial here, when I’m innocent! You humiliate me, and you let that man go free when he raped me! Is that what you learned in Law School?!!
[ Miss Kazursky exits the courtroom, leaving McMack alone with his thoughts ]
Mike McMack: Gee.. maybe she’s right. Maybe I got off the track somewhere along the line, in the pursuit of a buck. Maybe I.. lost sight of my ideals. [ thinks ] Naaaaahhhhh!
Announcer: Be sure to join us next week, when McMack takes on a case for Evil Knievel, in.. “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.