Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
Great Moments In Rock & Roll
Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman
Roy Orbison…..John Belushi
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]
Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.
[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]
Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?
Roy Orbison: That’s right!
Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?
Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.
Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.
Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —
[ Alice approaches Roy ]
Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!
Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.
Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!
Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.
Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.
Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.
Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?
Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!
Alice Sloan: Oh.
Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]
Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!
Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.
Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!
Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.
Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!
[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]
Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.
Roy Orbison: Okay.
Bandleader: Alright, you ready?
Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!
[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
Walking down the street.
The kind I’d like to meet.
I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth
No one could look as good as you.
Pretty Woman, stop a while
Pretty Woman, talk a while
Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!
Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
Pretty Woman, look my way
Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”
[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]
“‘Cause I need you
I’ll treat you right
Come to me, baby
Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”
[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ]
[ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
Don’t walk on by.
Don’t make me cry.
[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]
“– must be okay.
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”
[ Roy glances stage right ]
“What do I see-ee-ee?
Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”
[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]
Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
She’s walking back to me.
[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ fade ]