Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Dan Aykroyd & Jane Curtin
Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.[ cut to close-up two-shot of Jane and Dan ]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin.
Our top story tonight: The house of Represnetatives, yesterdays, voted to increase the mandatory retirement age from 65 to 70. Opponents of the measure immediately released a bill raising the age of birth from 0 to 5.
In November, President Carter will make a 24,000-mile journey, taking him from Venuezela, Brazil, India, Iran, France, Poland, Belgium, and Nigeria. Carter cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with Idi Amin in Uganda, saying he doesn’t like the taste of Turk.
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jane. This just in: the Surgeon General’s office has released results of tests which establish a definite link between fire and third-degree burns.
Jane Curtin: Correspondent Laraine Newman has just returned from a month-long trip to China, and has filed this report. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: Jane, I spent Rosh Hanshana (?) this year in the People’s Republic of China. And I must say, I can recommend it highly to anyone looking for an interesting way to ring in the new year — or gong in the new year, as they say in Beijing, Jane. But… my trip was marred by a somber event, Jane: the observance of the first anniversary of the death of Chairman Mao Tse-tung It was an impressive and emotional ceremony, with literally millions of people who made pilgrimages to Peking to pay homage to their fallen leader. And I was proud and happy to represent “Weekend Update” in this event. I was also fortunate to obtain one of a limited number of official mementos of this occasion. [ she grabs a prop ] It’s this replica of Chairman Mao in his crystal vault. [ she flips the prop upside-down, which has the same comic event of a snowglobe ] It’s not only a fitting commemorative object, Jane, but it is also quite decorative as well. The new Mao paperweight, Jane! Back to you.
Jane Curtin: [ clearly appalled ] Fascinating.
Cher Bono checked out of Doctor’s Hospital in New York last week, after undergoing cosmetic surgery to have her breasts lifted. Husband Gregg Allman could not be reached for comment, as we understand that he’s just checked into Doctor’s Hospital to have his hands lifted.
Dan Aykroyd: I hope things work out okay there, Jane.
Jane Curtin: I do, too, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: We’ll be right back after the weather.[ they sit there nearly uncomfortable, waiting for the cut to the weather ] [ cut to Autumn footage, as SUPER appears:
Temperature 75: degrees F: 24 degrees C
Air Quality: The Pits” ] [ next screen reads:
“Five Days Ahead
Sun. Showers 72 degrees
Mon. Cool 65 degrees
Tues. Mild 75 degrees
Wed. Firestorms 451 degrees
Thur. No data –” ] [ cut back to the news desk, as Bill Murray sits to Jane’s right and looks around ]
Jane Curtin: And here’s film critic Bill Murray, with a review of “The Deep” for us. Bill?
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Hello, everybody. And I mean that. Now, get out of here! I love you! I hope everyone had a primo summer. Yours Truly, the Party Animal, went totally insane for three months!
Say, speaking of fun, tonight I’m reviewing “The Deep”, Columbia Pictures’ summer blockbuster smash. The same guy who wrote “Jaws” — Benchley — wrote it. They gave him multo dinero to do it again. Anyway, I haven’t seen the film yet, uh — I went to the screening, they usually start late… my date was drunk, and I arrived later that usual and missed the whole thing. I asked some friends about it, and they said, “Well, you know, Jacqueline Bisset looks GREAT!” Well, you know, when I think of myself, I think of a guy who has no preconceptions… and I love that about myself, I LOve it! And, with movie tastes involved, you just can’t trust anybody. so I’m gonna screen a clip of the movie right now, and then I’ll tell you what I think. Can we roll that tape, Davey?[ cut to footage of divers under the water ]
Of course, Nick Note, there he is. Oh, there’s Jackie. She looks terrific. They say on the set she was terrific with the animals, and look how close they get to her.[ cut to dinner scene in the film ]
There’s Nick… and Robert Shaw…[ cut back to Bill at the dek ]
Hmm… [ thinking ] Nick Nolte, LOSE the moustache. Okay? Lose it. Totally. I mean, who are you kidding? You look like a Denver cop. Come on. Give me one break. Please! That’s NOT the Nick Nolte that I know and I loved in “Rich Man, Poor Man”. Now don’t get me wrong and moan about it and call me up. I’m sorry, Nick, that’s the way I feel! Now, get OUT of here! I mean it!
Robert Shaw. You disturb me, Robert, you really do. I used to LOVE you, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’s more respected in the entire industry. But the accent — I mean, what are you? What are you, Scotch, English, Irish? You always sound like you’re selling Lucky Stars, or something — Irish Spring. You know, fix that up. Will you? Please? And regain my respect. Please? Thank you.
Jackie Bisset. Your time has come, girl. Your charm and body filled the entire screen. But you’ve GOT to stop doing this stuff, it doesn’t stretch you as an actress. Now, you can be a success, honey, IF you look out for Jackie Bisset. Now, come on! Don’t let any o these little-minded people try to make you what you’re not. You’re YOU! BE it! Just BE Jackie! We love Jackie! BE it!
Okay, that’s my first review of the season. You don’t like it? Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now, get out of here! I mean it! This is Bill Murray for “Weekend Update”, throwing it over to my buddy at the sports desk — Garrett Morris. Get out of here, Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Great, Bill. Great, really great, Bill. Uh — this Thursday, Mohamed Ali defends his title against Ernie Shavers. And, although people say that Ali’s out of shape, I still pick the champ to win. Especially after this mishap this week, when Shaver’s sparring partner hit him so hard that it knocked Ernie’s brain through his helmet. Now, in figh circles, an exposed brain is considered a disadvantage.
And, uh, two weeks ago, Hank Aaron’s home run record was broken by Sadaharu Oh, a Japanese player for the Tokyo Giants. And we have a tape of that historic occasion. [ roll tape ] There’s the shot… Now, it looks like a 100-foot homer, doesn’t it? But, actually, that fence is a little over sixty feet. You see, everything is smaller over there. I’ve been over there, you know, and the bases look like little bean bags, and they use this little tiny ball, it looks almost like a golf ball. Yeah, I think the man’s gonna do the speech now — yeah. The balls are much lighter over there, too, I know that.
Sadaharu Oh: [ withtranslated SUPER ] “I’m the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. Even luckier than Lou Gehrig. Let’s face it… I’m not that great an athlete. I’m short, awkward and I’m also not a Negro. If I were playing in the United States, I’d be hitting around .203. I’m the luckiest non-Negro on Earth. Good Night.”[ cut back to Garrett ]
Garrett Morris: And that’s the sports. Back to you, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, Garrett. Thanks, uh — thanks a lot.
In a settlement reached this week, Jacqueline Onassis will receive $26 million from her late husband’s estate, with the following conditions: She will break all ties with the family, she will drop all further claims, and she will return Mr. Onassis’ body.
Jane Curtin: “Update” correspondent Jhon Belushi has just returned from Durango, Mexico, and he has this report for us. John?
John Belushi: Thank you, Janey. You know, every year “Weekend Update” awards a scholarship to a worthy student from another country who shows, in our opinion, promise in the field of journalism.It’s a $2,500 award, which is comprised of contributions collected from the members of our own “Weekend Update” news team. Ferreting out the proper recipient is a tough task, indeed, and this year found me south of the border in beautiful Durango, Mexico. Which is located, uhhh — about 800 miles south of El Paso.[ show trip photo ]
Here I am. That’s a, uh — beautiful, beautiful waterfalls there.[ next photo ]
And, uh, there is Father Chu Chu Marin, Headmaster of Durango’s School for Boys. He recommended a handful of youngsters who he deemed worthy of this scholarship. [ next photo ] There’s some of them. Who to choose. That was the hard part — until I met Carlos Santangelo.[ reveal Carlos’ photo ]
An 18-year old student. And I immediately knew that I finally connected with the best candidate for the scholarship. Though other students had better grades and more journalistic promise than the illiterate Carlos, I chose him because I discovered that he had some connections of his own.[ reveal photo of John and Carlos holding a bag of marijuana ]
Here I am, uh — here I am making the official presentation to award winner Carlos Santangelo.[ cut back to John at the news desk ]
So, special considerations for next year’s award will be given to worthy students who attend school at Bogota, Columbia. Okay, Jane. I think we all benefitted from that little trip, didn’t we?
Jane Curtin: [ aghast ] I think we all did, John.
Entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., in an effort to cut down on expenses, has gotten rid of his limosine. However, he has kept his chauffeur, shown here delivering Davis to a nightclub engagement.
Dan Aykroyd: This just in: In a daring midnight raid, the houston Police force has arrested the Philadelphia Police force.[ the following SCROLL appears above Dan’s head as he delivers the next story: “…For Update viewers who are hard of hearing: — for the next 30 seconds there will be a test of the Emergency Broadcast System ….. We repeat, this is just a test … BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEP …. Thank you …. ” ]
Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy of Illinois has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well, this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the Navy, Percy had sex with a polar bear.
Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a reprot that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. [ Jane shakes her head ] More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [ he looks offscreen ] Will someone check that out?
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. I’m Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: And… Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presenation of Saturday Night News. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.