SNL Transcripts: Madeline Kahn: 10/08/77: Bianca Jagger And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Bianca Jagger And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends

Narrator…..Bill Murray
Bianca Jagger…..Madeline Kahn
Truman Capote…..John Belushi
Grace Kelly…..Jane Curtin
Margaret Trudeau…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Narrator standing beside dinner table ]

Narrator: Bianca Jagger has just finished eating dinner in this television studio… with Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends. At the table tonight: [ revealed in close-up, one at a time ] Truman Capote… Princess Grace… Margaret Trudeau… and our hostess, Bianca Jagger. Won’t you join Bianca for wine, cheese and grapes?

[ the Narrator turns his attention to the table, as the camera zooms closer ]

Truman Capote: [ cackling with glee ] You know, Bianca — Everyone knows how much you’ve changed, now that you’re a working woman. I mean, you’re just not the same Bianca.

Bianca Jagger: Of course, I’m not the same. How could I be the same? I’ve completely changed.

Truman Capote: How do you feel that you’ve changed?

Bianca Jagger: How do I feel that I’ve changed? You’re so silly. You know that I was… leading the party life before I was working. You know that for a fact. If I was invited to a party, I’d take the plane, I’d get on the plane, I go to the country, I learn the language, I go to the party! I AM the party! That is what it is.

Truman Capote: Yeah, it’s true. It’s really true. You are the party.

Bianca Jagger: That is true. But I am working now. That is the pattern of my life. I am working now, and I have learned something… that is very, very important in life. And that is that you must… be… on… time. If you are called to a place, to be there at one o’clock… you do not arrive at five o-clock. You will have kept everyone waiting for… [ thinking ] four hours. This is what I used to do if I were to arrive, because what is time? Time is nothing. What is time? Time never met… What is time? Time is nothing. But this has completely changed now.

Grace Kelly: How’s Mick?

Margaret Trudeau: Yes! How is Mick? I thought he was gonig to be here?

Bianca Jagger: How is Mick? [ a beat ] I come from Nicaragua. There is a saying amongst the very wealthy women there, which says that… “You cannot shave your legs after your pantyhose are on.” And I believe that this is true.

Truman Capote: Ah! Yes, that is true!

Grace Kelly: Of course, it’s true.

Margaret Trudeau: Oh, you’re right! Because… if you nick yourself, you can’t get a Band-aid on underneath them.

Bianca Jagger: You completely misunderstood!

Truman Capote: Bianca… you’re so beautiful. Um… you are.

Bianca Jagger: You are!

Truman Capote: Thank you! Uh — Do you think that make-up is important?

Bianca Jagger: Do I think that make-up is important? [ a beat ] I do not USE make-up, Truman, and you KNOW that I do not use make-up! What is make-up? Make-up uses ME! I make the make-up to look GOOD! You COMPLETELY misunderstand!

Margaret Trudeau: Where is Mick? I thought he was going to be here for dinner!

Truman Capote: Yes, where is Mick?

Grace Kelly: There is a saying amongst the poor owmen of Monaco: “If your husband is late for dinner… maybe he has eaten somewhere else.”

Bianca Jagger: You make me so jealous.

Truman Capote: Oh, that Mick is such a raw talent, you know? What is it like being married to a man like MICK JAGGER?

Bianca Jagger: What is it like…? I have learned… many things. Like I have learned that a woman — I… am woman, woman I am — When a woman is married to, for instance, a… Mick Jagger. And if her first name is, for instance… Bianca. Then, she — the woman — gets to call herself… Bianca Jagger.

Truman Capote: That’s such a marvelous name for this world…

Margaret Trudeau: I wish Mick would get here, he has such a sensual lower lip.

Truman Capote: God, that’s true!

Grace Kelly: He’s very popular in Monaco, I wanted to ask him to be on our stamp.

Truman Capote: God, he’s be beautiful! You know, everything is a question of attitude. You know, how you feel and how you are. I used to feel short, I looked short. Now I feel tall, and I am tall — unless I have to reach for something high on a shelf.

Bianca Jagger: This is — I cannot — I — I — I just — What are we talking about? We are talking about reaching. We are talking about NOTHING! [ she looks into the camera ] You must understand me, I’m sorry. I must be honest — These people are NOT my friends! Okay? This is NOT my dining room. I would not have MY friends SIT in a dinning room like this. This is a television show, I’m terribly sorry. I don’t particularly care for these people, I don’t particularly care for TELEVISION! I don’t particularly care for any… What is CARE?! What is it? What is I? What is what? What is WHAT?! You understand me? I mean, I cannot bear it! I cannot bear it! I really cannot.

[ as Bianca continues to ramble on, the Narrator steps back in front of the table ]

Narrator: You just had wine, cheese and grapes with Bianca Jagger… And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends.

[ pull out, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Will Barry Manilow Outlive His Wardrobe?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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