Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 2
Dean Archer…..Dan Aykroyd
Craig Baker…..John Belushi
Ross Jamal…..Garrett MorrisMalcolm…..Bert Jones
[ open on review panel at Santa Barbara School of Law ]
Frank: Now, uh, we want you both to understand that this is a very unusual thing, but we’ve decided to hear you both and decide which of you will get the last remaining place in the Class of ’81.
[ reveal the two candidates: Craig Baker and blind man Ross Jamal ]
Emmet: Mr. Jamal, I think I should already tell you that we had already accepted you under our Special Admissions program, but Mr. Craig Baker, who was not accepted, is threatening to sue the university on grounds of reverse discrimination.
Dean Archer: Mr. Baker, would you like to explain your position to the committee?
Craig Baker: With PLEASURE, Dean Archer! [ he grabs his briefcase ] As you know, law school admissions are based on the, uh, grade point averages and the LSAT — the Law Scholastic Aptitude Test. Now… [ he removes his records ] I maintained a 3.18 GPA in college, while Mr. Jamal here had a 2.95. I scored a 153 on the LSATs, and Mr. Jamal had an inferior 492, despite the advantage of having the test read to him. So if you accept Mr. Jamal, it will simply be a case of reverse discrimination and I will SUE!
Emmet: Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal qualified for the admission program to the disadvantaged because he is both a poor minority and handicapped.
Craig Baker: Yeah. Right. But — I majored in Pre-Law, and my Senior paper was on, uh, Reverse Discrimination. I KNOW my subject. I’m a debater. Look at this box.
Dean Archer: Mr. Jamal?
Ross Jamal: Uh-huh?
Dean Archer: What do you think?
Ross Jamal: Well, I agree with Mr. Baker. I understand what he means. But I don’t think that grades should be the only criteria. You know, my grades were brought down by the “D” I made in Art Appreciation. I can tell the difference in the brushstrokes between the Flemish and the Impressionists, but they used slides in the tests, you know? And, uhhhh… I-I-I did pretty good on sculptures, though. I did.
Emmet: Mr. Jamal, it says here that you are an orphan and supported fourteen younger brothers and sisters while working your way through college. Now, what type of a job did you have?
Ross Jamal: Oh, I was a proofreader for a Braille book publisher.
Craig Baker: Well, if you’ve spent so much time reading, you would think you would have done better on the LSATs!
Frank: Well, this is really a tough decision. Could you excuse us for a minute, gentlemen?
[ the three of them lean in and whisper to one another ]
Dean Archer: I don’t know, Frank, uh… I certainly don’t want to see the law school go to court. If this boy wants to sue, it could cost a lot of money and time, and I don’t think the institution should be put through it.
Emmet: You’re right, we really have no choice here.
[ they nod in agreement ]
Frank: Okay, Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal… This is very difficult. We have to choose between two students: One has better grades, the other has overcome severe disadvantages. And, of course, both… are black.
Ross Jamal: Huh? Both Black?
[ Craig Baker breathes a huge sigh of relief ]
Frank: Yes. It’s a very tough choice, indeed…
Ross Jamal: [ excited ] Are you a brother?
Craig Baker: Uhhh… yeah… uh, yeah, bro!
Ross Jamal: [ taking his hand ] Oh, I didn’t know that!
Craig Baker: Yeah!
Ross Jamal: I didn’t know that!
Frank: Well… we might as well just leave it to chance, I think. [ he steps closer to the students, coolly shaking hands with Craig Baker in front of Mr. Jamal’s blind eyes ] Mr. Jamal, I’m holding up 1 or 2 fingers — Which is it, odd or even?
Ross Jamal: Uhhhh… even.
[ everyone stifles their laughter ]
Frank: Sorry, it’s odd. Congratulations, Mr. Baker.
Craig Baker: Uh, thanks! Thanks!
Ross Jamal: I was gonna say “Odd”!
Frank: You probably should have. Thank you very much, gentlemen, for your time. We appreciate it. Good luck to you BOTH, no matter what you do. We’ve got another meeting.
[ the panel exits ]
Craig Baker: Sorry we both couldn’t get in, but that’s the breaks.
Ross Jamal: Oh, that’s alright, since you a brother.
Craig Baker: Yeah, right on! Well, uh — can I take you for a ride to the bus stop, or something…?
Ross Jamal: Oh, no, that’s alright. My brothers brought me in from Oakland. They’re waiting outside in the car. [ calling out ] Ahmed! Malcolm!
[ two big burly black dudes saunter in ]
Malcolm: Yeah, what’s up? How’d it go, man?
Ross Jamal: Oh, not too good man. [ points to Craig ] But meet the brother who made it into law school.
Malcolm: [ looking around ] Brother? Him?
Craig Baker: [ jumps up nervously ] Well, hey! Yeah, I’m a brother! Yeah! Right on, Temptations! You know? [ he does a fast tap-dance ] I’m an octaroon! That’s it, I’m an octaroon! Really! I stay out of the sun, you know what I mean? No, really… I study all the time… It looks like you just ripped off by Whitey again!
[ Craig rushes out of the room ]
[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Are We Losing The Battle Against Selsius?” ]
[ fade ]