Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 2
Madeline Kahn’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Madeline Kahn!
Madeline Kahn: Thank you, calm down. Okay. As you know, the show’s started a little late tonight because it has been pouring in Philadelphia, and the poor fellas had to play ball in the rain. But they did it anyway! And I just want you to know that it is raining in New York right now — in fact, it is raining right here in the studio. But we are going to do this show ANYWAY! Okay! [ the audience applauds ] You cannot see the rain — I heard you cannot see the rain, it’s just a slight drizzle. But it is here.
Okay. Why do we like this show? The atmosphere is CHARGED with excitement — why do we like that? Because we are dealing with the unknown. I can tell you that for a fact. I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. I certainly cannot promise you quality of any kind. But we are dealing with the unknown. You can sort of just sit back and revel in the unknown, because it is something that we don’t like to do in life. Although, in life, every moment is, in fact, unknown. There is nothing that we know. We like to think that we know, we like to think that we have plans… get out our little date books, and we have appointments, and we have our goals! We have our goals in life, our ages, and so on. We don’t know any of it. I hate to tell you this — I know you don’t want to hear it. In fact, there is only one thing that we can know for sure, and… that is that we are ALL going to die. [ suddenly upbeat ] Uh — but we’re not gonna dwell on THAT! We’re not gonna dwell on that, ’cause there’s no POINT in it! No point at all.
So, join me, won’t you? And let’s all have a rip-snorting good time — [ she laughs ] on “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you very much, and we’ll be right back.