SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: Circular Bed Sex Research


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Circular Bed Sex Research

Co-ed…..Jane curtin
…..Hugh Hefner
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Hugh Hefner’s bedroom ] [ Hefner sits on his circular bed lighting his pipe, as ?? steps forward holding a clipboard ]

Co-ed: Gee, Hef — thanks for taking time out from your busy schedule to help me out with my thesis!

[ she joins him on the bed ]

Hugh Hefner: Ah, listen — it’s a PLEASURE! It’s not every day I’m able to persuade the eduation of a comely young co-ed like yourself! Besides, I really appreciate the opportunity to quit working for the night and do the thing I enjoy the most!

[ the Co-ed laughs ]

Hugh Hefner: Uh, did you bring the equipment?

Co-ed: Yes, I have everything we need!

Hugh Hefner: Well, what are we going to do first?

Co-ed: Uh — [ she holds up an object ]

Hugh Hefner: What have you got there?

Co-ed: The protractor!

Hugh Hefner: Now, could you explain your research a little more specifically?

Co-ed: Well, it’s like I said. Tonight, I intend to prove a major hypothesis with my thesis on male performance territory and their geometric variants, using you and your circular bed!

Hugh Hefner: Sounds good. Now, what hypothesis do you hope to prove?

Co-ed: Well, if two bodies intersect at various angles within a circular area and lovemaking is performed for 3.14 minutes in each quadrant, by the time the bodies reach the midpoint, the couple will achieve pi!

Hugh Hefner: [ absorbing this knowledge ] Right! Let’s go to work! Let’s do it for science!

[ beeping ]

Hugh Hefner: Oh, no…

Co-ed: What’s that?

Hugh Hefner: It’s my beeper. It, uh — it beeps every time an important call comes in on my answering service. I have to, uh, call the phone service.

Co-ed: [ excited ] THAT’S what that little black box was! I was afraid to ask — I thought it was a pacemaker! [ she giggles ]

Hugh Hefner: Well — but — excuse me for a minute, because I have to call the phone service. [ he picks up a wall phone ]

Co-ed: I knew this was going to happen!

Hugh Hefner: No, no, no. I give you my word — this is our night. [ into the phone ] Hello? This is Hefner. Who called? Oh, really? Again, huh? What’s he want this time? I see. Well, look — okay. I don’t want to be disturbed tonight — let’s forward all calls, and tell him I’ll call tomorrow. Okay? Okay. [ he hangs up ]

Co-ed: Always in demand! It seems like people are always trying to reach you, Hef!

Hugh Hefner: Yes, but I want to forget all that tonight. Tell me — am I the only subject in your experiment, who, uh, owns an uncommonly-shaped bed?

Co-ed: Oh, no. I experimented with an octagenarian who slept on a hexagon. He didn’t make it through the night.

[ beeping ]

Co-ed: I thought you told them to hold all calls?

Hugh Hefner: Yes, that’s not the beeper. That’s, uh, our Playboy radar scan. [ he opens a panel on the headboard to reveal a radar screen ] It means that… someone’s landing on the helipad up on the roof.

Co-ed: Hef, I’d better go. You’re too busy to be bothered by a co-ed who’s working on her thesis.

Hugh Hefner: No. I told you — this is gonna be our night, no one’s gonna disturb us. Not even if the President of the United States were to call.

[ suddenly, President Jimmy Carter and a pair of Secret Service men enter the room ]

President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me — uh, Hef? Hello, Ma’am. Hef, I tried calling on the phone, but… they put you on hold there, and I just have to talk to you. I need some advice from you on something.

Hugh Hefner: What is it now, Jimmy?

President Jimmy Carter: Can I sit down here on the bed?

Hugh Hefner: Sure.

[ Carter sits on the edge of the bed ]

President Jimmy Carter: Well, as you know, the Geneva Conference is next week. There’s gonna be a lot of countries there, and I want to make a good impression, you know? And I like to get back to my hotel room and think about policy and relax and listen to some music. Well, I like to play my music loud, so I don’t want to disturb anybody in the hotel. I was wondering: What kind of headphones should I buy? Secretary of State Vance and I had a bet — he said you’d say a Klaus 190, and I figured you’d say MasterSound Pro-15.

Hugh Hefner: Well… if you said “MasterSound Pro-15” — collect your money, you won the bet. MasterSound puts out separate tweeter and woofer in each cup.

President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm.

Hugh Hefner: Coupled by a core crossover network. The result is a powerful bass response, richness in tone, and the sound still holds together. Now, uh, could you leave us, Jimmy? I am… busy.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, thanks, Hef! Thanks a lot! [ he stands ] Oh, there’s one more thing: The Secret Service men and I would like to use the jacuzzi.

Hugh Hefner: Go ahead. Anything.

President Jimmy Carter: Gee, thank you! Bye-bye, Ma’am! Nice meeting you.

[ President Carter and his Srcret Service men exit the room ]

Hugh Hefner: Let’s get back to… Basic Geometry.

Co-ed: Okay!

[ Hefner pulls the Co-ed down onto the bed, as the camera zooms in on the stereo equipment and dissolve into the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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