Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
Circular Bed Sex Research
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on interior, Hugh Hefner’s bedroom ]
[ Hefner sits on his circular bed lighting his pipe, as ?? steps forward holding a clipboard ]
Co-ed: Gee, Hef — thanks for taking time out from your busy schedule to help me out with my thesis!
[ she joins him on the bed ]
Hugh Hefner: Ah, listen — it’s a PLEASURE! It’s not every day I’m able to persuade the eduation of a comely young co-ed like yourself! Besides, I really appreciate the opportunity to quit working for the night and do the thing I enjoy the most!
[ the Co-ed laughs ]
Hugh Hefner: Uh, did you bring the equipment?
Co-ed: Yes, I have everything we need!
Hugh Hefner: Well, what are we going to do first?
Co-ed: Uh — [ she holds up an object ]
Hugh Hefner: What have you got there?
Co-ed: The protractor!
Hugh Hefner: Now, could you explain your research a little more specifically?
Co-ed: Well, it’s like I said. Tonight, I intend to prove a major hypothesis with my thesis on male performance territory and their geometric variants, using you and your circular bed!
Hugh Hefner: Sounds good. Now, what hypothesis do you hope to prove?
Co-ed: Well, if two bodies intersect at various angles within a circular area and lovemaking is performed for 3.14 minutes in each quadrant, by the time the bodies reach the midpoint, the couple will achieve pi!
Hugh Hefner: [ absorbing this knowledge ] Right! Let’s go to work! Let’s do it for science!
[ beeping ]
Hugh Hefner: Oh, no…
Co-ed: What’s that?
Hugh Hefner: It’s my beeper. It, uh — it beeps every time an important call comes in on my answering service. I have to, uh, call the phone service.
Co-ed: [ excited ] THAT’S what that little black box was! I was afraid to ask — I thought it was a pacemaker! [ she giggles ]
Hugh Hefner: Well — but — excuse me for a minute, because I have to call the phone service. [ he picks up a wall phone ]
Co-ed: I knew this was going to happen!
Hugh Hefner: No, no, no. I give you my word — this is our night. [ into the phone ] Hello? This is Hefner. Who called? Oh, really? Again, huh? What’s he want this time? I see. Well, look — okay. I don’t want to be disturbed tonight — let’s forward all calls, and tell him I’ll call tomorrow. Okay? Okay. [ he hangs up ]
Co-ed: Always in demand! It seems like people are always trying to reach you, Hef!
Hugh Hefner: Yes, but I want to forget all that tonight. Tell me — am I the only subject in your experiment, who, uh, owns an uncommonly-shaped bed?
Co-ed: Oh, no. I experimented with an octagenarian who slept on a hexagon. He didn’t make it through the night.
[ beeping ]
Co-ed: I thought you told them to hold all calls?
Hugh Hefner: Yes, that’s not the beeper. That’s, uh, our Playboy radar scan. [ he opens a panel on the headboard to reveal a radar screen ] It means that… someone’s landing on the helipad up on the roof.
Co-ed: Hef, I’d better go. You’re too busy to be bothered by a co-ed who’s working on her thesis.
Hugh Hefner: No. I told you — this is gonna be our night, no one’s gonna disturb us. Not even if the President of the United States were to call.
[ suddenly, President Jimmy Carter and a pair of Secret Service men enter the room ]
President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me — uh, Hef? Hello, Ma’am. Hef, I tried calling on the phone, but… they put you on hold there, and I just have to talk to you. I need some advice from you on something.
Hugh Hefner: What is it now, Jimmy?
President Jimmy Carter: Can I sit down here on the bed?
Hugh Hefner: Sure.
[ Carter sits on the edge of the bed ]
President Jimmy Carter: Well, as you know, the Geneva Conference is next week. There’s gonna be a lot of countries there, and I want to make a good impression, you know? And I like to get back to my hotel room and think about policy and relax and listen to some music. Well, I like to play my music loud, so I don’t want to disturb anybody in the hotel. I was wondering: What kind of headphones should I buy? Secretary of State Vance and I had a bet — he said you’d say a Klaus 190, and I figured you’d say MasterSound Pro-15.
Hugh Hefner: Well… if you said “MasterSound Pro-15” — collect your money, you won the bet. MasterSound puts out separate tweeter and woofer in each cup.
President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm.
Hugh Hefner: Coupled by a core crossover network. The result is a powerful bass response, richness in tone, and the sound still holds together. Now, uh, could you leave us, Jimmy? I am… busy.
President Jimmy Carter: Okay, thanks, Hef! Thanks a lot! [ he stands ] Oh, there’s one more thing: The Secret Service men and I would like to use the jacuzzi.
Hugh Hefner: Go ahead. Anything.
President Jimmy Carter: Gee, thank you! Bye-bye, Ma’am! Nice meeting you.
[ President Carter and his Srcret Service men exit the room ]
Hugh Hefner: Let’s get back to… Basic Geometry.
[ Hefner pulls the Co-ed down onto the bed, as the camera zooms in on the stereo equipment and dissolve into the next sketch ]