Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
John Holse…..Dan Aykroyd
Hartley Raymond…..Bill Murray
Mourners…..Tom Schiller, Andy Murphy
Mr. Gilsrack…..Alan Zweibel
[ open on funeral ]
John Holse: And so, upon this grievous occasion, because we at the Halson-Plaker Funeral Home did not really know Jonathan Gilsrack, we’ve called upon his closest friend in life to deliver the eulogy. Hartley Raymond. Hartley?
[ Hartley steps forward ]
Hartley Raymond: Thank you, John Holse. Hello, everybody, I’m Hartley Raymond. I’m sorry we all had to meet under these circumstances, but that is life… and death, too, huh? [ people cry ] Hey! You know, I don’t like seeing everyone so down. You know, Jonathan wouldn’t have wanted it this way. You know, to Jonathan, life was a party. Think of a word that describes Jonathan. Go ahead. Everybody, think of a word. Alright, have you got it? How many people were thinking “Terrific”? Hands? Four out of nine. Almost HALF of you were thinking that Jonathan was terrific.
[ the widow starts to cry ]
Oh, please don’t cry, Mrs. Gilsrack. I hate to see you cry. Come on, lighten up a little. You know what? On arriving here today, I saw this beautiful wreath of flowers. Aren’t they lovely? And I felt better just looking at them. I said to myself, “You know, gosh, they’re beautiful.” They look just like the ones I have right here. [ pulls plastic flowers out of his sleeve ] How about that? [ gives them to the widow ] They’re for you. Take them, Because you’re beautiful and pretty, okay? A little hocus-pocus, but… what is life but an illusion, huh?
Now, I’m just trying to cheer everybody up a little bit — and I’m gonna KEEP trying. But I’m going to need a volunteer from the mourners to step up and help. Now, how about — how about this pretty girl rigt here? [ he points to the widow ] The Widow Gilsrack! Come on!
Widow Gilsrack: No, no, no…
Hartley Raymond: Let’s bring her — oh, come on! Don’t be shy! Maybe if we give her a hand, she’ll come up! Come on! Let’s hear it for her! [ the mourners begin to clap her on ] Come oooonnnn!! Isn’t she marvelous! Come on up, Mrs. Gilsrack! Come on! [ she steps up ] Terrific! Thank you. Now, we have never met before in our lives, have we? [ he chuckles ]
Widow Gilsrack: What do you mean, Hartley? I — what?
Hartley Raymond: Of course, we have! I’m just kidding! Good. I think we’re gonna succeed. Now, do you believe in spirits?
Widow Gilsrack: Oh… w-well, I-I-I… don’t know…
Hartley Raymond: Be honest.
Widow Gilsrack: Well, I-I-I… [ she begins to cry ] I don’t know!
Hartley Raymond: Alright, alright. Shh, shh, shh! Alright, now, on my way over here, I had the most ridiculous thought. Typical of me — ridiculous! I thought: what if the spirits really did speak from the Beyond? [ the room goes silent ] A little music, Professor, please.
[ the organist plays spooky music ]
Hartley Raymond: [ he removes a pack of cards from his pocket ] Now, I’ve got here an ordinary pack of playing cards, as you can see. Now, there’s nothing up my sleeves. Now, I’m gonna prove that the spirits CAN talk, and, hopefully, John’s gonna help us out a little bit. [ he fans the cards ] Now, go ahead — pick a card.
[ Mrs. Gilsrack picks a card, as Hartley looks at the mourners ]
Hartley Raymond: Hey! Now, what’s the matter with you, Gary? Hey, now — did you want to be my little assistant, too? You knucklehead! You want to be my little assistant, too? Come on up here, I’m gonna need TWO assistants! Get up here! [ Gary steps up ] Okay, now, you hold the deck — here, you hold the deck! [ he hands the deck to Gary ] Now, when I say “Go!”, I want you to lead the congregation in saying: “Yes, the spirits can talk!” Will you do that for me, Gary? [ Gary nods ] Alright. [ he turns to Mrs. Gilsrack ] Mrs. Gilsrack, do you still have the card?
Widow Gilsrack: Yes, I —
Hartley Raymond: Fabulous! Okay, Gary, you know what to do?
Gary: Yes, I —
Hartley Raymond: Terrific! Okay, get ready! Gary!
Gary: “Yes, the spirits can talk…”
Hartley Raymond: Come on — everybody, now!
Mourners: “Yes, the spirits can talk…”
Hartley Raymond: Oh, come on!! You couldn’t raise a FLAG, let alone the DEAD!! Now, let’s hear it!!
Mourners: “Yes, the spirits can talk!!”
Hartley Raymond: Alright! [ he leans his head toward the casket ] Now, Jonathan, what’s the card? What?! [ he raises his head ] He says he lost the service! Can you believe this guy? [ he taps the side of the coffin ] Get out of here! [ he leans in again ] What are you saying? What are you — [ he raises his head ] He won’t TELL me!
Widow Gilsrack: Tell him, Jonathan!! Tell him, Jonathan!!
Hartley Raymond: What? Alright, Jonathan. [ he stands straight ] Jonathan has told me… that your card… is the nine… of diamonds. Is that correct? Nine of diamonds.
Widow Gilsrack: [ she looks at her card and holds it up ] No, it’s — it’s the seven of spades.
Hartley Raymond: What?
Widow Gilsrack: It’s the seven of spades.
Hartley Raymond: [ a beat ] A miserable mistake. Well… I guess the dead… stay where they are. Dead. [ Mrs. Gilsrack cries ] What? Oh, no, wait! [ he cocks his ear toward the coffin ] What’s that? What are you saying, Jonathan? What? Look in his pockets? Alright, if you say so ! [ he reaches in and pulls up an oversized card ] The seven of spades, everybody! Come on! Thank you! Thank you! Gary, you were terrific for helping out. I’m gonna need this deck — thank you! Terrific!
[ Mrs. Gilsrack and Gary take their seats ]
Hartley Raymond: Now, my next trick is a special tribute to the deceased, and, for that, I’m gonna bring back Mr. John Holse. John? [ John returns ] Now, as you can see, this casket is a solid wood casket with no trap door. Tell them about it, John, would you, please?
John Holse: He’s lying in a Holson-Plaker’s exclusive dry weight Burkemaster casket. It’s a full mahogany box with a flannel covering, and three full inches of vinyl sealant to protect your loved ones from weathering, moisture and insects for 99 years. Another thick, strong casket from the people at Burkemaster.
Hartley Raymond: Okay, alright, everything alright in here, Jonathaan? [ lifts casket, throws voice ] “S’alright!” [ closes casket, laughs ] Hey, get out of here, you nut! Okay, now this is a trick first designed by the famous French psychologist, Dr. Emile Quave. The good doctor was quoted as saying, “Dead men feel no pain.” Let’s hope the good doctor was right!
[ Hartley and John saw the casket in half, then pull the casket halves apart ]
Now, the hard part!
[ they lock the casket halves back together ]
Don’t blink your eyes, or you’ll miss Jonathan Gilsrack! 1, 2, 3! [ opens casket ] There he is! Thank you! You didn’t feel a thing, did you, Jonathan? He’s a good sport, isn’t he? He’s terrific. John Holse, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Well, thank you very much, I hope you had a little bit of sunshine put into your life today. Look, when you’re leaving, drive carefully; and, if you don’t have a car and are walking, watch out for the rain. But just remember this:
[ he leads everyone into a chorus of “Put On A Happy Face” ]
[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Japanese Big Mac Sneak Attack” ]
[ fade ]