SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: Hugh Hefner’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Hugh Hefner’s Monologue

…..Hugh Hefner

[ Hugh Hefner enters the apron of the stage dressed in his signature bathrobe and brandishing a pipe. He sits on a stool. ]

Hugh Hefner: Thank you, thank you. Well, when Lorne Michaels first asked me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I wasn’t quite frankly sure I could handle it, because I am, after all, a magazine publisher, not a performer. And, anyone who ever saw my own TV show, “Playboy After Dark”, can attest to that. But I have a couple of friends who think I’m almost as funny as Ralph Nader, so I figured, “What the hell?”

Since male fashions are a very important part of Playboy, I was concerned about what to wear on this opening monologue. Lorne was very helpful, he told me to wear whatever I felt comfortable in. He said, “Just wear what you wear when you host a party at the Playboy Mansion.” Well, this is it.

I started Playboy back in the 50’s, from an initial investment of some $600, and I’ve built an empire that’s worth almost $200 million. But I didn’t do it alone. It took a lot of dedication and a lot of hard work from some very talented people. And it took something more – a kind of faith, a belief in something greater than oneself, and that’s why each time I see a little girl of 5 or 6 or 7, I can’t resist the joyous urge to smile and say..

[ starts singing “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” ]

[ SUPER: “We were only too happy to let Hef sing a song – and we agreed with him on this one because Hef basically is a very religious man. He thanks Heaven for a lot of things besides litle girls: Big girls, enormous girls, gigantic girls – just name it, and Hef will thank Heaven for it. You see, if Hef hadn’t become a publisher, he’d probably have been involved with religion in some way. For example, he might have been a Missionary – a position in life he has a lot of respect for. So when Hef thanks Heaven for little girls, its his way of being sort of an evangelist – of disseminating his real feelings – of spreading the thing he truly believes in. Look, maybe he isn’t the best singer we’ve ever heard – but we say thank Heaven for a boy who puts his money where his mouth is.” ]

[ finishes singing ]

We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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