Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
Hugh Hefner’s Monologue
[ Hugh Hefner enters the apron of the stage dressed in his signature bathrobe and brandishing a pipe. He sits on a stool. ]
Hugh Hefner: Thank you, thank you. Well, when Lorne Michaels first asked me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I wasn’t quite frankly sure I could handle it, because I am, after all, a magazine publisher, not a performer. And, anyone who ever saw my own TV show, “Playboy After Dark”, can attest to that. But I have a couple of friends who think I’m almost as funny as Ralph Nader, so I figured, “What the hell?”
Since male fashions are a very important part of Playboy, I was concerned about what to wear on this opening monologue. Lorne was very helpful, he told me to wear whatever I felt comfortable in. He said, “Just wear what you wear when you host a party at the Playboy Mansion.” Well, this is it.
I started Playboy back in the 50’s, from an initial investment of some $600, and I’ve built an empire that’s worth almost $200 million. But I didn’t do it alone. It took a lot of dedication and a lot of hard work from some very talented people. And it took something more – a kind of faith, a belief in something greater than oneself, and that’s why each time I see a little girl of 5 or 6 or 7, I can’t resist the joyous urge to smile and say..
[ starts singing “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” ]
[ SUPER: “We were only too happy to let Hef sing a song – and we agreed with him on this one because Hef basically is a very religious man. He thanks Heaven for a lot of things besides litle girls: Big girls, enormous girls, gigantic girls – just name it, and Hef will thank Heaven for it. You see, if Hef hadn’t become a publisher, he’d probably have been involved with religion in some way. For example, he might have been a Missionary – a position in life he has a lot of respect for. So when Hef thanks Heaven for little girls, its his way of being sort of an evangelist – of disseminating his real feelings – of spreading the thing he truly believes in. Look, maybe he isn’t the best singer we’ve ever heard – but we say thank Heaven for a boy who puts his money where his mouth is.” ]
[ finishes singing ]
We’ll be right back.