Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
The Playboy Philosophy
[ open on group of ancient Romans ]
Announcer: Athens in the year 400 B.C. The cradle of Western civilization, and the birthplace of… The Playboy Philosophy. Each day, the wise men and youth of the city would gather in the marketplace to ask questions of the philosophers, and to learn at the feet of the one they called… Hef.
Socrates: If you recall, friends, yesterday we spoke of the ideal life. How should a man live? My answer, simply: Know thyself.
Plato: A wise thought, Socrates. And I said that a man ought to lea a just life, a life of harmony.
Socrates: Hmm… well spoken, Plato. But what say you, Hef? You who have traveled wisely, and have visited all the topless resorts? How should a man live?
Hef: Ah, but let us define our terms. Tell me, Plato: What is a man? A creature of desire? Of courage? Of reason?
Plato: Yes, of course!
Hef: Mmm-hmm. Then, WHY is a man different from the beast? The lion has courage. But does the lion decorate his cave… with a leather bedspread and shag carpeting?
Hef: And does the fox choose the aftershave lotion that is right for him?
Socrates: Ahhhh! I see! I see! The man is the only creature who can enjoy a sensual and uninhibited lifestyle, and-and-and-and live free and work hard!
Plato: [ first in Latin, then: ] “I have my own set… therefore, I am!”
Hef: Ah! Once again, Hef, you have proven yourself the wisest and most swinging of the Greeks. But answer this, if you can. One night last week, following a delicious dinner of musaka and white wine… I was startled to hear the young lady I was entertaining ask if I had a bottle of Ouzo. Just what is Ouzo, anyway, and where do I buy it?
Socrates: Well, this is indeed a difficult riddle! Now, here’s one for you: [ he clenches his pipe in his teeth and holds up a vase ] How many of you can spot the rabbit on this vase?
Plato: Mmm, mmm, mmm! You are far too SLY for us! Clearly, you have no equal in the field of sophisticated men’s entertainment! But, we’ve had enough for today. Shall we go to my house? The sauna is working now.
Socrates: Yes, let’s go![ they start to rise ]
Hef: Well, you two go without me. I must stay here and sit and ponder… the ultimate question.[ the other men are fruatrated ]
Socrates: Aw, give up, Hef! Night after night, you brood over the same question! Come with us — we’ll have a drink and playboy forum!
Hef: No. Leave me now. I’ll join you later.
Socrates: I’ll leave you to your thoughts.
Hef: [ thinking out loud ] To go pink, or not to go pink?[ pan upwards on set and into audience, closing in on attractive blonde with SUPER: “Gives Great Expectations” ] [ fade ]