Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women
Captain Macho…..Hugh Hefner
Lt. Testosterone…..John Belushi
Coporal Hardin…..Dan Aykroyd
Corporal Fellopia…..Laraine Newman
Captain Estrogena…..Jane Curtin
Lt. Aeriola…..Gilda Radner
[ SUPER: “It is the year 3,000 in the distant Mirror Universe. One side of this Universe is ruled by the Men; the other side is ruled by the Women. An asteroid storm from the planet LUBRICAX has shattered the delicate solar mirror which separates both sides, and each has just discovered the other’s existence. Conflict is inevitable as the first starship of THE MEN races toward the first starship of THE WOMEN, for a battle in deep space.” ]
[ SUPER: “Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women” ]
[ open on interior, Spaceship of the Men, long and shaft-like ]
Captain Macho: How long until we accept the the enemy vessel, Lt. Testosterone?
Lt. Testosterone: Two minutes ’til battle phase, Captain Macho.
Captain Macho: Corporal Hardin, has that detectoscan given us any further data on what we’re gonna be up against?
Corporal Hardin: Detectoscan and bioanaylsis indicate the occupants of the enemy ship are different but basically equal to us. However, Captain Macho, our ship is physically superior to theirs.
Kyle: Caption Macho, the enemy ship is within firing range.
Captain Macho: Alright, set rockets for cruising. Eveybody stay cool. Let them make the first move.
[ camera pans to window for view of Spaceship of the Women ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women, donut-shaped ]
Corporal Fellopia: Captain Estrogena, the enemy starship is within electroscanning distance.
Captain Estrogena: What dos it look like, Lt. Aeriola?
Lt. Aeriola: Here it is, Captain. [ Spaceship of the Men is seen from outside the window ] Their ship is not as big as we had hoped.
Corporal Fellopia: And, from this manuevering, it appears that our opponents have little control over their craft.
Captain Estrogena: Alright, women, let’s break down their defenses, and hit them at their weakest point. Corporal Fellopia, activate the Horn Ray.
[ Corporal Fellopia presses button on “boob” ray, firing shots at Spaceship of the Men ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men, the Men reacting to the ray ]
Lt. Testosterone: Mmm.. you know.. my flight suit feels real tight..
Kyle: Yeah, we’ve been on the ship about two years now..
Captain Macho: Listen, men, we’re being bombarded by some kind of powerful new weapon, but we must gain control. Kyle, try counting backwards from 100, or try thinking about sports.
Corporal Hardin: I can’t take this much longer, Captain. Can’t we do something to stop them?
Captain Macho: Maybe if we give them a scare. Let’s fire the Mouse Ray.
Kyle: Firing the Mouse Ray. Mmm..
[ fire Mouse at the Spaceship of the Women ]
[ show Women standing atop their chairs screaming in panic ]
[ cut back to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]
Lt. Testoterone: Captain, Macho, we’ve lost control! We’re going to collide!
[ the two spaceships collide phallically, Spaceship of the Men stuck in between the Spaceship of the Women ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women ]
Captain Estrogena: Damage report?
Corporal Fellopia: No serious damage, Captain, but our vessel will never be the same.
Lt. Aeriola: Maybe we should give them half-an-hour, and see if they’ll attack again.
Captain Estrogena: I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a cigarette.
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]
Captain Macho: That was some battle, men. I think we’d better get some sleep.
Kyle: Are you sure, Captain? Are you sure? I think we ought to do battle again right now!
[ Men on spaceship fall asleep ]
[ SUPER: “THE END” ]
Announcer: Join us next week for “Escape From the Planet of the Gays”