Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women
Captain Macho…..Hugh Hefner
Lt. Testosterone…..John Belushi
Coporal Hardin…..Dan Aykroyd
Corporal Fellopia…..Laraine Newman
Captain Estrogena…..Jane Curtin
Lt. Aeriola…..Gilda Radner
[ SUPER: “Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women” ]
[ open on interior, Spaceship of the Men, long and shaft-like ]
Captain Macho: How long until we accept the the enemy vessel, Lt. Testosterone?
Lt. Testosterone: Two minutes ’til battle phase, Captain Macho.
Captain Macho: Corporal Hardin, has that detectoscan given us any further data on what we’re gonna be up against?
Corporal Hardin: Detectoscan and bioanaylsis indicate the occupants of the enemy ship are different but basically equal to us. However, Captain Macho, our ship is physically superior to theirs.
Kyle: Caption Macho, the enemy ship is within firing range.
Captain Macho: Alright, set rockets for cruising. Eveybody stay cool. Let them make the first move.
[ camera pans to window for view of Spaceship of the Women ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women, donut-shaped ]
Corporal Fellopia: Captain Estrogena, the enemy starship is within electroscanning distance.
Captain Estrogena: What dos it look like, Lt. Aeriola?
Lt. Aeriola: Here it is, Captain. [ Spaceship of the Men is seen from outside the window ] Their ship is not as big as we had hoped.
Corporal Fellopia: And, from this manuevering, it appears that our opponents have little control over their craft.
Captain Estrogena: Alright, women, let’s break down their defenses, and hit them at their weakest point. Corporal Fellopia, activate the Horn Ray.
[ Corporal Fellopia presses button on “boob” ray, firing shots at Spaceship of the Men ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men, the Men reacting to the ray ]
Lt. Testosterone: Mmm.. you know.. my flight suit feels real tight..
Kyle: Yeah, we’ve been on the ship about two years now..
Captain Macho: Listen, men, we’re being bombarded by some kind of powerful new weapon, but we must gain control. Kyle, try counting backwards from 100, or try thinking about sports.
Corporal Hardin: I can’t take this much longer, Captain. Can’t we do something to stop them?
Captain Macho: Maybe if we give them a scare. Let’s fire the Mouse Ray.
Kyle: Firing the Mouse Ray. Mmm..
[ fire Mouse at the Spaceship of the Women ]
[ show Women standing atop their chairs screaming in panic ]
[ cut back to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]
Lt. Testoterone: Captain, Macho, we’ve lost control! We’re going to collide!
[ the two spaceships collide phallically, Spaceship of the Men stuck in between the Spaceship of the Women ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women ]
Captain Estrogena: Damage report?
Corporal Fellopia: No serious damage, Captain, but our vessel will never be the same.
Lt. Aeriola: Maybe we should give them half-an-hour, and see if they’ll attack again.
Captain Estrogena: I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a cigarette.
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]
Captain Macho: That was some battle, men. I think we’d better get some sleep.
Kyle: Are you sure, Captain? Are you sure? I think we ought to do battle again right now!
[ Men on spaceship fall asleep ]
[ SUPER: “THE END” ]
Announcer: Join us next week for “Escape From the Planet of the Gays”