Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Tour Leader…..Tom Schiller
Nadia Comanechi…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.
Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan Aykroyd.
Announcer: What was that?
Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan, Don.
Announcer: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! It must have been a typographical error in my script! I beg your Pardo!
Dan Aykroyd: That’s pardon.
Announcer: [ more amused ] Oh, I’m sorry! It must have been a typographical error!
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Don Pardo.
Our top story tonight: Professor John Van Vleck, of Harvard University, won the Nobel Prize for Physics this week. He is shown here with his invention: a party doll for older men. Congratulations, Professor.
Jane Curtin: A terrorist group calling themselves the Gay Bakers struck again yesterday, this time in Des Moines, Iowa.[ cut to footage of Anita Bryant seated at a table during a press conference ]
Jane Curtin V/O: Now, watch this:
Anita Bryant: — all kinds of problems. And, uh, everyth —[ suddenly, a cream pie is shoved into Bryant’s face ]
Male Voice: No, no! Let him stay.
Anita Bryant: Well, at least it’s a fruit pie![ cut back to the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: Fortunately, Ms. Bryant, who was not inujured, enjoyed a good laugh, and said it was okay if the assailant dated her husband!
The National Association of Broadcasters, better known as the N.A.B., has issued revised guidelines for laxative commercials on television, stating graphic representations of symptoms and/or product mechanics shall not be permitted. For example: rain, rivers, gelatin, concrete blocks, etc. The laxative industry’s Delegation of United Manufacturers and Producers, better known as D.U.M.P., issued a reply saying, “We have received the guidelines and shall draw our conclusion, as we usually do, by a process of elimination.”
Dan Aykroyd: Dodgers fan Miss Lillian Carter, this week, told the Los Angeles Times that she doesn’t like ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell, saying “I don’t want him to die, but I wish they’d take him off the air.” Cosell, responding to the remarks of the 79-year-old Presidential Mother, reportedly said, “I have no animosity toward Miss Lillian… and I hope she lives to be 80.”[ tour group enters and starts wandering around the set, alarming Jane and Dan ]
Tour Leader: — of course, this is the “Update” set, in Studio 8-H, where “Saturday Night Live” is produced every Saturday evening.
Dan Aykroyd: What’s going on here? What’s the story? What’s going on here?
Tour Leader: This is the Chroma-Key area. There’s Dan Aykroyd and Jane curtin, who are — I’m sorry, Chevy Chase is no longer with the show. If you’ll come this way, we’ll see the recording studio…
Dan Aykroyd: [ picks up the phone on the desk ] Control? Yeah, they just brought a tour through the “Update” set, and… Oh, that’s going to be normal procedure? Oh, okay… [ he hangs up ] I don’t know. [ he sighs, then continues ]
With the discovery of still another diamond dealer’s body this week in Puerto Rico, the count is now at least six murders of diamond dealers, with more discoveries anticipated. Authorities, with few clues to go on, are now confronted by the possibility of a motive — they’re calling it… “gemocide”.
Jane Curtin: This week, the Supreme Court upheld Congress’ ban on the use of Medicaid money for abortions. The court ruled that a fetus becomes a human being at three months, if the parents earn $15,000 or more a year. And at one month, if the parents earn less.
Nadia Comanechi, the fifteen-year-old darling of the 1976 Olympics has just begun a 60-city tour of the United States, and, frankly, I couldn’t be happier. She’s like poetry in motion, and we have this footage for you right now.[ cut to footage of Nadia Comaneci doing gymnastics — a flip, a tumble, looking cute for the crowd ]
Nadia Comaneci: Hi! I’m Nadia Comeaneci! Aren’t I cute! Please. Come see me perform all over this country when I come to your city! I’m only fifteen-years-old now, but I have to make all the money I can, because I won’t be cute forever! Before you know it, I’ll grow up to be a big fat Romanian woman with fat thighs and a moustache like my mother! We don’t age so good! So, who’s gonna want to see me then? It’s so hard to do gymnastics while you’re arguing with storekeepers! So, see me now, while I’m still darling! Bye![ cut back to the newscast, as Dan and Jane banter ]
Dan Aykroyd: You know, Jane, she is so cute, that girl.
Jane Curtin: She sure is.
Dan Aykroyd: But I thought the parallel bars were her first love?
Jane Curtin: Mine, too. A lot of us girls who took gym class lost it to the parallel bars.
Dan Aykroyd: The Calhoun National Bank, in Georgia, has constructed a new office for returning bank executive Bert Lance, following Lance’s request that he be allowed to start al over again at the bottom.
Jane Curtin: Well, the World Series opened this week, and, after four games, the Yanks are leading three games to one. [ audience cheers ] Tomorrow, they’ll play the fifth game at Dodger Stadium, with Ethel Merman singing the National Anthem before the game. [ reveal photo of a dolphin ] The Yanks have surprised a lot of skeptics with their pitching, despite the fact that most of their pitchers are injured. But, as insurance, in the event that the Series does go the full seven games, the Yanks have announced the signing of former St. Louis Cardinals’ Dizzy Dean. Despite the fact that Dean has been dead for the past two years, the Yankee brass is confident that he’ll still fare better than Catfish Hunter.
Dan Aykroyd: I’m sure Dizzy’ll bounce back there…[ the NBC Dancing “N” dances in with a bulletin ]
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, we have a buletin coming in on the NBC Dancing N. This is the NBC Bews update Dancing N. [ he tears the bulletin off the side of the “N” ] This just in, from your National Drug Abuse Association: “Cocaine and heroin do not mix. If you must snort, don’t shoot.”
Jane Curtin: Well, tonight, we’re proud to announce that tonight’s show is the first “Saturday Night Live” to be broadcast overseas to the Armed Forces Network. And we’d like to welcome some one million military personnel who are watching “Weekend Update” for the first time. Uh.. this just in – we’re at war. Army personnel, turn off your sets and do what you’re supposed to do. Just kidding! Good night, and have a pleasent tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News”, keeping American informed for over a fiftieth of a century.