Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
Woman … Jane Curtin
Man … John Belushi
Policeman #1 … Bill Murray
Policeman #2 … Dan Aykroyd
[A man reads a newsletter and a woman reads a book while sitting on a sofa in a nicely furnished living room, a large window overlooking a city skyline in the background. The woman closes her book and puts it on the coffee table in front of her, then leans back with a sigh.]
Woman: I’m done studying for tonight. How ’bout you, honey?
Man: Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna find a cure for cancer tonight. [closes newsletter and puts it on coffee table]
Man: What do you say we just relax, smoke a joint, go to bed? [starts rolling a joint]
Woman: Great idea.
Man: Yeah. Too much studying, you know? You know, Dr. Shell’s paper on the isolation of cancer cells in bladder tissue is very interesting.
Woman: I’ll have to read that before I go to the day care center tomorrow.
Man: Oh, yeah. Please. I got it here somewhere. [lights up and takes a couple of drags on the joint, inhaling deeply, then, with eyes and mouth wide open:] Aaahhhhhh! [passes joint to woman who takes it – butbefore she can take a toke, the door bursts open and two plainclothes policemen charge in with guns drawn]
Policeman #1: Freeze!
Policeman #2: X-Police![Man and woman slump back on sofa, hands in the air.]
Man: X-Police?![The two cops flash their wallets – but there are no badges in them.]
Policeman #2: We were kicked off the force a couple of months ago.
Policeman #1: That won’t keep us from enforcing the law! You two were smoking marijuana! [takes joint out of woman’s hand, stubs it out in an ashtray and pockets it]
Woman: You can’t–!
Policeman #1: It’s a felony!
Woman: You can’t come in here without a warrant!
Policeman #1: All right. This is my warrant, baby.[Policeman #1 hits woman on head with the butt of his gun, knocking her unconscious.]
Man: [jumps up in protest] Hey! Look! You can’t–!
Man: Whaaaaaaa![Policeman #2 shakes the man violently by the collar, pounding his head against the door with every syllable:]
Policeman #2: [screaming viciously] I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a thirteen year old turned on to heroin because some punk like you gave her a marijuana joint?! Pot! Grass! Marijuana! It’s all the same!
Policeman #1: [calmly] Joe! Maybe you should stop hitting his head against the wall. He’s already unconscious. He could get seriously hurt.
Policeman #2: [still pounding away viciously] I guess … you’re … right![Policeman #2 finally stops and lets the man drop limply to the floor. The two cops stand over the motionless body.]
Policeman #2: It’s too late. He’s dead! Another marijuana-related death!
Policeman #1: Better make it look like the girl did it.
Policeman #2: That’s a good idea. [pulls out his gun and shoots the man, sighs, then sees a glass of water by the windowsill] Okay, gimme that glass of water.[#1 wipes the fingerprints off his gun with a handkerchief as #2 fetches the glass of water – #1 puts the gun in the unconscious woman’s hand – #2 hands the water glass to #1 who, taking care not to get prints on the glass, splashes water in the woman’s face to wake her up – she awakens with a cry and looks around, sees the man on the floor and rises to stare at him in horror.]
Woman: What’s happened?
Policeman #2: Huh! You two were smoking marijuana. You got hysterical. He threw a glass of water in your face. And you shot him!
Woman: [horrified, she drops the gun and screams] What have I done?! Aaaaaahhhhhh!
Policeman #1: [rolls his eyes, takes joint out of pocket, holds it up] Marijuana! [crushes the joint in his fingers as the snarky X-Police theme music kicks in]
Policeman #2: Let’s get out of here before the real police arrive.[#1 throws down the joint. #2 throws down the handkerchief. The two cops exit. Dissolve to the woman, breathing heavily, a cloth over her face, as she stands in a police station, waiting to be photographed for her criminal file.]
Don Pardo V/O: Susan Klein recovered from her fall and was convicted of first degree murder in the shooting death of her husband. She was sentenced to life in prison at the California State Women’s Penitentiary where she was killed in a prison riot. [Dissolve to agraphic of a badgeless wallet over which is superimposed the text: X-POLICE] Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police![Dissolve to a wide shot of the now empty living room set and theapplauding audience.]