Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon
Return of the Coneheads
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Carl van Arsdale…..Bill Murray
Sharlene van Arsdale…..Gilda Radner
[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]
[ Connie Conehead, wearing tall, pointy witch hat and carrying jack-o-lantern,enters and sits on the couch. She removes the witch hat to reveal her cone. ]
[ SUPER: “Return of the Coneheads” ]
[ doorbell rings – Prymaat enters from kitchen, picks up six-pack of beer andfried eggs from an end table ]
Prymaat Conehead: Aagghhh! The little humans, when will they cease?[ answers doors ]
Kids: Trick or treat?
Prymaat Conehead: [ sarcastic ] Oh, my. Your costumes are sofrightening. Here. Accept these treats. [ thrusts the beer and fried eggsinto their bags, then slams the door shut ]
Connie Conehead: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends andtheir Halloween activities.
Prymaat Conehead: Activities?
Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing.
Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing?
Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. Theemersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyantfruit with a major orifice.
Prymaat Conehead: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!
Connie Conehead: But, Mom..
Prymaat Conehead: [ standing ] Beldar!
Beldar Conehead: [ marches into the living room, gruff ] Prymaat.Why have you summoned me from the sleep chamber? It is onlythe 55th hour of my Megmazome Storage Stage.
Prymaat Conehead: Our young cone wishes to perform apple bobbing.
Beldar Conehead: Apple bobbing?
Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing.
Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! A Halloween ritual!
Beldar Conehead: Oh, Connie, I want no knowledge of this humanactivity. Halloween, a miserable Earth festival. It is regrettable thatthe High Master demanded that we return to this planet. On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under theMoons of Mipzor. Now, that’s a party! All the gellato spirots will beharvested and smoked.
Connie Conehead: So what? Big deal!
Prymaat Conehead: The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I firstsaw Beldar’s cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued andcaptured the greased garfok, which was roasted for all to consume.
Beldar Conehead: This miserable Earth festival is nothing but aritual costume fantasy for the young ones, who move through the nightdemanding small consumables.
[ the doorbell rings again, as they all scream ]
Prymaat Conehead: The little humans. Beldar, go brief them anddispense the consumables.
Beldar Conehead: [ opens door to two adults ] Greetings. Enter.Accept these treats – beer and fried eggs.
Prymaat Conehead: Aren’t you humans a little old for this sort of thing?
Carl van Arsdale: Well, we’re not trick-or-treating. I’m Carl vanArsdale, and this is my wife Sharlene. We’re Block Parents, here at ParkwoodHeights.
Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. I know your family’s just moved into the neighborhood, and I’m sorry we had to meet under thse circumstances.. Idon’t know where you people are from, but we at Parkwood Heights do notgive licquor to minors!
Carl van Arsdale: Yes, we were extremely upset to find six-packs ofbrewski in the children’s trick-or-treat bags. Now, we are seriouslyconsidering reporting this to the police, Mr…?
Beldar Conehead: Conehead! I am Beldar. This is Prymaat, and ouryoung one, Connie.
Prymaat Conehead: We’re from France!
Carl van Arsdale: Oh. You’re from France? Well, that couldexplain part of it. I know that in France, children start drinking at anearlier age..
Connie Conehead: Correct! Correct! We apologize for causing youthis anxiety. My parental units were merely attempting to.. conformto the Halloween rites.
Prymaat Conehead: We will cease dispensing the canned consumables.It is permissable to dispense fried chicken embryos?
Sharlene van Arsdale: Chicken embryos?
Carl van Arsdale: Fried eggs, honey.
Sharlene van Arsdale: Fried eggs as treats? Well.. I guessit’s alright..
Beldar Conehead: We invite you to stay with us. We will honor yourHalloween ritual by paying homage to the symbolic vegetable orb.
[ the Coneheads surround the jack-o-lantern on the coffee table ]
Carl van Arsdale: Hey, uh.. no thanks. We already had a few piecesof vegetable orb pie!
Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. Bye bye! Happy Halloween! We loveyour costumes.
Carl van Arsdale: Yeah.
[ the van Arsdales exit ]
Connie Conehead: Humans. They’re not essentially party organisms.
Beldar Conehead: Correct. Shall we begin?
[ the three of them bite into the jack-o-lantern, enjoying their Halloween feast ]
[ fade to black ]
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