Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
The “Anyone Can Host” Contest
[ open on Bill Murray and Michael O’Donoghue reading through the “Anyone Can Host” postcard submissions ]
Bill Murray: Hi, gang! Bill Murray here. Mr. Mike and I are hard at work.
Michael O’Donoghue: Poor penmanship… [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: Uh — we’re checking the entries for our “Anyone Can Host” contest. Now, many people don’t believe there’s a contest — but there IS! There really is! Really!
Michael O’Donoghue: It has smudge on the corner… [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] And the contest deadline is November 1st. That’s Monday night at midnight, so you’ve GOTTA send these cards in! Really! [ he pounds the desk ] Now, here’s the rules: Tell us on a postcard — NOT A LETTER!! — a POSTCARD!!
Michael O’Donoghue: Uneven margins… [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] In 25 words or less, why YOU’D like to host “Saturday Night”.
Michael O’Donoghue: Typing error. [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: FIVE finalists — FIVE!! — will be chosen to read their postcards on the air, November 19th. And the winner will host our Christmas show, December 17th.
Michael O’Donoghue: Oh, this is funny, Bill — let’s keep this one. [ he puts the postcard aside ]
Bill Murray: You’ll be flown out, put up a week at the Essex House, meet and party with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, AND get paid $3,000 for it! Mike, how you coming with those postcards?
Michael O’Donoghue: [ counting ] …24, 25, 26. Whoops! This one’s one word over. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to qualify this one, Bill. [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: Oh, gee! Look — Lorne Michaels is willing to take a chance on an unknown, just like he did with me! Heck! This time, next year, you could have my job!
[ Mr. Mike tears another postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: All you have to do is send your postcard to this address:
[ dissolve to slide ]
“Anyone Can Host
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019″
Remember: Relatives or persons employed by NBC, RCA, or any of their companies are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.
[ cut back to Bill and Mr. Mike ]
Michael O’Donoghue: Unattractive stamp. [ he tears the postcard in half ]
Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] Well, good luck, and I mean it! Now, get out of here! Go mail those postcards, you knucklehead! I mean it, get OUT of here! [ he tosses postcards at the camera ]
[ fade ]