Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon
Simon & Garfunkel
…..Charles Grodin
…..Paul Simon
…..Art Garfunkel
[ open on Paul Simon strumming his guitar onstage next to Charles Grodin, who’s wearing an obvious Art Garfunkel wig ]
[ Simon begins to sing “The Sound of Silence”, as Grodin clumsily tries to keep up ]
Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain…”
[ Simon stops playing and turns to Grodin ]
Paul Simon: Can I ask you a question?
Charles Grodin: Sure.
Paul Simon: Why are we doing this?
Charles Grodin: Well… you know, they cut my film clip way down. And I really don’t feel I have all that much to do on the show, so I-I-I-I’d really apprecia– Could we just… a little…?
[ Simon reluctantly strums his guitar and continues to sing, with Grodin struggling to keep up and get most of the words right ]
Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turn my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash…”
[ Simon stops once again ]
Paul Simon: Chuck, you don’t even know the lyrics!
Charles Grodin: Well… I really — I’m learning them as we’re going.
Paul Simon: Chuck, this is live television. This is not the time to be learning.
Charles Grodin: I — I’m much more familiar with what’s coming up. Could we just, a little… a little more?
[ Simon begins to strum his guitar, but then quickly stops ]
Paul Simon: You know… and another thing — the wig! Why are you wearing this wig? It looks like an Art Garfunkel wig.
Charles Grodin: Oh, it is an Art Garfunkel wig.
Paul Simon: But why?
Charles Grodin: Well… I-I-I just thought it would help me get into it a little better.
Paul Simon: It’s very disquieting, to me, to see out of the corner of my eye, these blond, curly hairs singing this song.
Charles Grodin: Oh. [ he hangs his head in shame ]
Paul Simon: You know, Chuck, I must say this — you are a very well-known actor… you’re a director…
Charles Grodin: And writer.
Paul Simon: — You’re a writer… as well… and I don’t see why you feel that you must sing.
Charles Grodin: Well… clearly, clearly, I’ve made you uncomfortable, and I —
Paul Simon: Well, no, no…
Charles Grodin: No, and this is obviously an idea whose…
Paul Simon: Time has not come?
Charles Grodin: Has not come.
Paul Simon: Not come. No.
Charles Grodin: Well — listen, I’m sorry. You know? As the host, I should be trying to make you comfortable, and I’ve made you uncomfortable.
Paul Simon: No, that’s alright… don’t mention it. [ he unplugs his guitar ] And I think that the time you save now, could be put to much better use later on in the show.
Charles Grodin: Well…
Paul Simon: [ he stands ] So…
Charles Grodin: Thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.
Paul Simon: Oh… [ he pats Grodin on the shoulder ]
Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Paul Simon!
[ the audience applauds wildly as Simon walks away ]
Charles Grodin: [ to the house band ] Uh… would you hit the intro that, uh…?
[ the band strikes up “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, which Grodin sings badly off-key ]
Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“When you’re weary… feeling smallWhen tears are in… your eyes
I will dry them allWhoooooooooooo!”
Charles Grodin: Um… I’ll tell you — is that the right key? I guess it is the right key, too. Uh… could I hear that back… uh, Lorne? Could I just hear that back? I’m…
[ the vocals are played back, as Grodin listens to them carefully ]
Charles Grodin V/O: [ singing ]
“When you’re weary… feeling small
When tears are in… your eyes
I will dry them all
Whoooooooooooo!”
Charles Grodin: [ glancing down the stage, surprised ] Oh… Art!
[ Art Garfunkel steps up, to thunderous applause ]
Charles Grodin: It’s great, it’s great to see you! Uh, listen, Art, I didn’t know you were here! I would never…
Art Garfunkel: What are you doing?
Charles Grodin: I… Well, see — I had a film clip in the show, and it was cut way down. I never would have done this if you…
Art Garfunkel: Chuck, hand it over!
[ Grodin sheepishly pulls off his Garfunkel wig and hands it over ]
Charles Grodin: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. i’m really sorry.
Art Garfunkel: Thanks, Chuck.
[ Garfunkel walks off the stage, as Grodin sheepishly follws him ]
[ fade ]
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