SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77: Samurai Dry Cleaners


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Samurai Dry Cleaners

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Male Customer…..Charles Grodin

[ open on interior, dry cleaners, Futaba standing behind open press ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of…

[ Futaba slams the press down and yells as steam pours out ]

Announcer: “Samurai Dry Cleaner”.

[ Futaba holds up the pressed obi and admires his work, as a couple enters ]

Female Customer: Uh — excuse me, uh — we’re here to pick up our shirts? You said you’d have them ready by today.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: Oh, uh, yes — Dear, do you have the ticket?

Male Customer: Uh — yes. [ he reaches into his pocket ] Here.

Female Customer: There yo go.

Futaba: Ah!

[ Futaba glances at the ticket, then begins to thrust his samurai sword at a rackful of clothes hanging ]

Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, impressed ] Look how he handles the sword.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Shhhhh.

[ Futaba grunts as he crooks the shirt on the sword and carries it to the counter ]

Female Customer: Oh, that’s wonderful! You did a great job! [ she looks over the shirt ] Oh, wait a minute, look at that spot.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Right there! Look at that! I mean, you said you could get that out!

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: I mean, you PROMISED! I was COUNTING on it!

[ Futaba screams and holds his hari-kari in front of his chest ]

Female Customer: NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE!!

[ Futaba holds his pose and looks up at her with a worried expression on his face ]

Female Customer: It’s not that important!

[ Futaba pulls the sword away and wipes his brow in relief ]

Futaba: [ grunts a question ]

Female Customer: Oh, yeah, that’s a great idea! We’d love it in a box!

Charles Grodin: [ leaning in ] How do you understand what he’s saying?

Gilda Radner: Shhhh!

[ Futaba chuckles, then grabs the shirt and a disassembled box, throws them into the air and thrusts his sword at them with a yell. He then reaches behind the counter to pick up a giftwrapped box with the shirt inside. ]

Charles Grodin: [ studying the scene ] That was pre-arranged, wasn’t it?

Gilda Radner: Shhhhh!

Futaba: Hmm?

Charles Grodin: No, I mean, it had to be. You had to have it propped down there, because… it’s a GREAT gag, but it had to be placed down there and brought up to you, right?

[ Grodin retreats as Radner and Belushi give him dirty looks before proceeding with the scene ]

Female Customer: Um — listen — I’d like to know, how much do you charge for bedspreads?

Charles Grodin: Uhhhh… [ he attempts to read Belushi’s line on the cue cards ]

Gilda Radner: Chuuuuuck! Chuck! Those are John’s lines!

Charles Grodin: Oh. [ reading ] “John”. Oh, I’m sorry. You know, John, it’s such an INCREDIBLE character that… I’m sorry! You’re very, very good at this character! It’s just that… it’s terrific make-up, it’s very authentic. Excuse me. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

Gilda Radner: [ to Belushi, as her character ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ she turns to Grodin ] Come on. Let’s go, Chuck.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Charles Grodin: It’s a funny idea, John. It’s an excellent scene.

Gilda Radner: Come on, let’s go…

[ Radner shuffles Grodin out the door, as a disgusted Futaba raises his sword and slices the counter in two ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of… “Samurai Dry Cleaner”!

[ the camera shakily pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Prime Time Audience Reject” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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