Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
[FADE IN on the locker room backstage, where Garrett Morris is tying his shoe next to Gilda Radner and John Belushi.]
John Belushi: [under his breath] Jeez.
Voice: [over intercom] Stand by, cast! We have two minutes to air! TWO MINUTES!
John Belushi: I don’t believe it.
Garrett Morris: Oh, John, you’re takin’ yourself too seriously, man. C’mon. Just go on and have a good show–Gilda, will you talk to him?
Gilda Radner: Yeah, right, have a good show, Garrett!
Garrett Morris: [walking off camera] All right!
Gilda Radner: See ya later.
John Belushi: [changing clothes] I dunno, Gilda. I dunno, this, this Chuck Grodin guy is really making me nervous. I mean, he’s barely here all week, and he missed dress rehearsal. That’s inexcusable, dress rehearsal!
Gilda Radner: Well, he must know what he’s doing, John. He’s a brilliant actor.
John Belushi: I know, but he doesn’t know TV, y’know, I mean… He doesn’t smoke dope, he’s just not one of us!
Gilda Radner: Well, he spends a lot of time by himself, y’know. He has a place up in Massachusetts, and then he leaves there and does a film, and then he goes back to Massachusetts.
John Belushi: Mmmm… He doesn’t know what’s going on. He’s never even seen the show…
Gilda Radner: He’s a real sweet guy and if we just help him through, then he can… [looks up] Hi, Chuck!
[ENTER Grodin with a huge black shopping bag in his hand.]
Charles Grodin: Hi, Glenda! [to John] Hi, Bungee! [reaches into bag] I gotcha some gifts. It’s an old New England tradition to give gifts.
Gilda Radner: Oh, thank you, Chuck! That’s real nice.Charles Grodin: It’s a maroon dickey. I hope you like it, Glenda.
Charles Grodin: Bungee, you’re a tough guy to shop for. Here, I got you a shaving kit. I hope you like it.
[He hands a wrapped box to Belushi.]
John Belushi: Oh. Thanks.
Voice: One minute! One minute to the monologue!
Gilda Radner: Oh, um, Chuck, have you worked on your monologue?
Charles Grodin: Monologue?
Gilda Radner: You do a monologue to open the show.
John Belushi: Yeah, a monologue. Didn’t Lorne tell you about the monologue?
Charles Grodin: Oh, he did mention something, but what with doing promotions for the show, and sightseeing, and catching up with old friends, and I’ve written a song, to express how I feel about life, that they say they’re gonna let me sing, so I really haven’t paid that much attention to it.[laughter]
John Belushi: You’ll have to go out there in less than a minute and do a monologue to make the studio audience LAUGH, y’know?
Charles Grodin: Studio audience?
Charles Grodin: I didn’t know there was an audience.
John Belushi: Well, maybe if you’d been to dress rehearsal, you’d know that there was an AUDIENCE out there!
Gilda Radner: John, John, John…
Charles Grodin: I’m sorry, y’know, the stores close at nine, it was a direct conflict with dress rehearsal.
Charles Grodin: I couldn’t very well get gifts for some of the cast and not for everyone. If I had forgotten to get a gift for Garrett… [lowers voice] I mean, can you imagine my embarrassment if I’d forgotten to get a gift for Garrett? I mean, Garrett, especially.
John Belushi: Yeah.
Gilda Radner: Well, Chuck, the gifts are really nice, but I think you should–
Charles Grodin: You like the dickey? Listen, I could give Laraine the travel alarm clock, if you would rather have that than the dickey–
Gilda Radner: No, no, no, I like the dickey.
Charles Grodin: How about you, John, would you prefer a travel alarm clock instead of the, uh, shaving kit?
John Belushi: Well, if it doesn’t make any difference…
Charles Grodin: [trades gifts] I’ll give you the alarm clock. And I could give the shaving kit to Danny, and I got a keychain for Danny that I could give to Laraine–I couldn’t give the shaving kit to Laraine. That wouldn’t be…
Gilda Radner: No.
Charles Grodin: Oh, my God, y’know, I forgot to get something for the director. You think there are any shops that are still open around here now?
John Belushi: Chuck, you can’t go to a shop, we’re doing a live SHOW. There’s no time!
Charles Grodin: Live?
John Belushi: [exasperated] Yeah, it’s “Saturday Night… LIIIIII-IIIIIIIIVE.”
Charles Grodin: Wait a second. You mean, really, live?
John Belushi: YES!
Charles Grodin: Really?
Gilda Radner: Yeah, and, like, you should be working on your monologue, ’cause you have to go out and do it in one minute.
Charles Grodin: You do this actually live?
John Belushi: [losing patience] YEEEE-EEEES! You know, like… LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!! [FADE to montage as Belushi mugs for the camera.]
Submitted by: Sean