Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 5
Burglar #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Burglar #2…..Garrett Morris
[ open on a New York night ]
Ray Charles V/O: Oh, I love New York, everything about it — even Con Edison, the electric company. As a matter of fact, when I was in New York last summer, it was Con Ed who came to my rescue.
[ dissolve to Ray Charles talking on the phone in his hotel room ]
Ray Charles: Oh, yes, I’m having a marvelous time! Just yesterday, I was on the observation deck of the World Trade Center. You know, I could smell all the way to New Jersey! [ a hard knock at the door ] Wait a minute, there’s somebody at the door. Yes, who is it?
Burglar #1: Uh… Room Service!
Ray Charles: Alright, just a minute. [ into the phone ] Uh, listen — I’ve got to go now, but, uh, I’ll call you bacl kater, alright? Be cool. [ he hangs up the phone ] Room Service? I never ordered anything from Room Service… Room Service? Let’s see here… [ he opens the door ] Yes?
Burglar #1: Okay, buddy, put your hands up! Cooperate, and you won’t get hurt!
Ray Charles: Yes, Sir! Yes, Sir! Steal anything you see…
Burglar #2: Hey, hey, hey, Boss! This here… is Ray Charles, man.
Burglar #1: Who?
Burglar #2: Ray Charles. The King of Soul, man. We can’t rob him.
Burglar #1: Are you kidding? This will be a CINCH! Tie him up!
Burglar #2: Oh, man, I can’t do that!
Burglar #1: I said tie him up, man!
Burglar #2: But, I —
Ray Charles: Which one of y’all got the gun?
Burglar #1: I do. [ he cocks his gun ]
Ray Charles: [ to Burglar #2 ] I think you’d better listen to him.
Burglar #2: Oh. Okay, okay.
Burglar #1: Take the rope out of the bag and tie him up!
Burglar #2: Alright. Sorry, Mr. Charles, but I — I — I guess I gotta… [ the lights suddenly go out ] Hey! Hey, the lights are going out!
Burglar #1: What’s going on? Hey! Hey!
Burglar #2: It’s a blackout! It’s a blackout!
Ray Charles: There is?
Burglar #2: Yeah, I-I-I can’t see anything!
Ray Charles: You can’t?
Burglar #2: No!
[ suddenly, there’s the sound of a wild scuffle ]
[ the lights come back on, as Ray Charles coolly dials the phone ]
Ray Charles: Uh, hello? You say the lights just came back on? Waht are you telling me that for? Is this Room Service? Oh. Well, listen, uh — This is Ray Charles in 1722. And I’d like to order some neckbones and some collared greens and… and… and potato salad and two tall glasses of iced tea. You got it? [ camera pulls back to reveal Burglar #2 tied up and Burglar #1 shot dead across the coffee table ] Okay. Now, when you get that finished, would you please send up the police? Goodbye!
[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Mid-Show Crisis” ]