Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
The Anyone Can Host Contest Finalists
NBC Page…..Neil Levy
…..Gov. Dick Kneip
[Network Card: “The Waltons Eat Their Young”]
Don Pardo: “The Waltons Eat Their Young” will not be seen tonight so that NBC may present the following special program.[Cast ‘locker room,’ GARRETT and GILDA talk]
Gilda Radner: Garrett?
Garrett Morris: Huh?
Gilda Radner: Have you met- um- the five finalists of the ‘Anyone Can Host’ contest yet?
Garrett Morris: No, have you?
Gilda Radner: No, I didn’t, but I can’t wait to. You know, out of 150,000 entries, the five finalists, they actually represent a cross-section of America.
Garrett Morris: Oh, really?
Gilda Radner: Yeah, like there’s, um, there’s a co-ed from Vassar, and there’s a mother of three from Peoria, Illinois, and uh, there’s this unemployed guy from Oregon, and um… oh, and there’s, um, an 80-year old grandmother from New Orleans, and the Governor of South Dakota.
Garrett Morris: Say, uh, the co-ed from Vassar… is she black?
Gilda Radner: Uh, no, Garrett, none of the finalists are black.
Garrett Morris: I knew it. Great cross-section, GREAT cross-section.
Gilda Radner: Oh, well, Garrett… the sixth runner-up was mulatto.
Garrett Morris: Ohhh…[They wrestle playfully; NBC PAGE enters with finalists.]
NBC Page: Uh, excuse me, Garrett, Gilda? These are the five runners-up… these are actually the five ‘Anyone Can Host’ finalists.[Hellos all around]
NBC Page: Everybody? Everybody? This is your locker, and uh, if you need anything, need some change for the vending machines downstairs, don’t hesitate to call, OK?
Gilda Radner: Uh, which one of you is which?
Dave Lewis: I’m Dave, the unemployed guy from Oregon.
Gilda Radner: Hi.
Deb Blair: I’m Deb Blair, mother of three from Peoria.
Connie Crawford: I’m Connie, the Vassar co-ed.
Gov. Dick Kneip: I’m Dick, Governor of South Dakota.
Miskel Spillman: I’m Miskel Spillman; I’m old.[Audience loves this]
BUCK HENRY enters.
Garrett Morris: Hey, Buck! C’mon, Buck. Come on in here!
Gilda Radner: Oh, Hi, Buck. Everyone, this is Buck Henry, he’s hosting the show this week.
Garrett Morris: All right, my man!
Buck Henry: Now, let me see. Uhhh… you must be the Vassar co-ed.
Connie Crawford: Yeah.
Buck Henry: Terrific. And, uh, let’s see, you’re the mother of three from Peoria.
Deb Blair: You bet.
Buck Henry: I guess you’re Mrs. Spillman, ’cause you’re old, huh?
Miskel Spillman: That’s right.
Buck Henry: OK… [to DICK] And I guess that means you must be the unemployed kid from, uh, from Oregon?
Gov. Dick Kneip: No, I’m the Governor of South Dakota.
Buck Henry: Ah, well, sometimes it’s hard to tell. [To DAVE] So YOU’RE the unemployed kid from Oregon!
Dave Lewis: Right on!
Buck Henry: How are you, pal?
Dave Lewis: All right.
Buck Henry: Now, listen! Are you people all set for the show?
All Finalists: No.
Buck Henry: Well, if you don’t know what to do, you just follow me. Because, uh, this is my fifth time here as host, and I’ll, I’ll try and, you know, set everything up so it’ll be easy for you. Have you, uh, seen a script yet?
All Finalists: No.
Connie Crawford: We’ve only been given one line.
Buck Henry: Well, can I hear it?
All Finalists: “Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Tim Harrod