Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
The Franken & Davis Show
Jackie Onassis…..Gilda Radner
…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
[ open on animated title sequence ]
Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom![ dissolve to Home Base, as Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]
Together: Thank you!!
Tom Davis: Thank you very much! You know, ladies and gentlemen, the ratings experts have told us that most of our young viewers out there only know Al and I from this, the new “Franken & Davis Show”, but that they’re really unfamiliar with the rest of our long and distinguished careers in this nutty business.
Al Franken: Well, right you are, Tom! And we’ve brought some pictures to show you young people of our early career, so could we look at those, Davey? I think they’d get a kick out of —[ dissolve to photo #1: Al and Tom on-camera with Ed Sullivan ]
Al Franken V/O: It all started with our television debut in 1957 on “The Ed Sullivan Show”.[ cut to photo #2: Al (pantsless) and Tom (both wearing sombreros) ]
Tom Davis V/O: That, of course, led to our own show: “The Lockheed Comedy Hour”.[ cut to photo #3: Life Magazine’s “F&D Mania” cover story ]
Al Franken V/O: Now, by this time, the whole country was infected with Franken & Davis Mania, and every kid in America wanted curly hair and glasses.[ cut to photo #3: title card for “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis” ]
Tom Davis V/O: Our next show, of course, the Norman Lear sitcom “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis”. It ran for only half a season because of its controversial nature.[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]
Al Franken: As you may remember, it was forced off the air by pressure from several Jewish organizations. Uh — soon after, Tom and I, uh — well, we broke up, we had some, uh, well-publicized financial disputes. Let’s not belabor them.
Al Franken V/O: But, uh, we went our separate ways —[ cut to photo #5: poster: “The Concert For Bangladesh” ]
Al Franken V/O: I organized the Bangladesh concert, as part of my “Feed the Children” program.[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]
Tom Davis: I think a lot of that “Feed the Children” money is still in escrow. I think. Isn’t that right, Al?
Al Franken: [ meekly ] Right. We shouldn’t, uh, mention that…
Tom Davis: Yeah. [ he continues ] Well, then, of course, uh, I was in virtual seclusion, except for my annual Tom Davis Desert Classic —[ cut to photo $6: Tom standing on a golf course ]
Tom Davis V/O: Here I am with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and boy what a game he had that day!
Al Franken: Boy, what a round. And, of course, as show biz legend has it, we were brought together by our… close and dear friend Jacqueline Onassis.
Tom Davis: That’s right! And, as a matter of fact, tonight that’s our special guest star on “The FRanken & Davis Show”! Won’t you give a warm welcome… to Jackie Onassis![ Onassis happily runs onto the stage, dressed in her outfit from the trip to Dallas fourteen years earlier ]
Tom Davis: Your sostuming and make-up are stunning, as usual, Jackie.
Jackie Onassis: Oh, thank you!
Al Franken: Jackie, as you know, uh — as you well know, I was a great admirer of your late husband.
Tom Davis: Well, I think we’re all great admirers of him.
Jackie Onassis: Well, uh — I think everyone remembers where he or she was when Aristotle Onassis died.
Al Franken: I know I do. Tom and I were at NBC Burbank, taping a Gold Diggers special, as a matter of fact.
Tom Davis: That’s — that’s right, Al. But, you know, if it wasn’t for this lady right here, I wouldn’t be here tonight. Because, about a year ago last Thanksgiving, I almost choked to death.
Al Franken: That’s right…
Tom Davis V/O: You see, I had just invited a lot of show business and celebrity friends over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Jackie just happened to drop by. Fortunately, we had enough food. Fortunately… for me.[ reveal Jackie at the table, yukking it up with Tom’s celebrity guests ]
Jackie Onassis: This part is really gonna kill ya’! So, the guy said —
Tom Davis: He said, “Wait a minute! Everyone, please hurry up and eat, because we’ve only got twenty minutes ’til kick-off, and I want to watch that game!”
Al Franken: Tom! Tom! You interrupted Jackie’s joke about the 500-pound gorilla!
Tom Davis: I’m sorry, Jackie — go ahead.
Jackie Onassis: That’s alright! [ she continues ] So, the guy says: “Anywhere he wants!”[ the crowd roars with laughter, as Tom suddenly rises and begins to grab at his neck ]
Jackie Onassis: [ pointing ] Oh! Look at the funny faces Tom’s making![ everyone laughs at Tom, as he attempts to indicate to them that he’s choking ]
Al Franken: Wha — what are you doing, Tom? Charades? Charades![ everyone gets excited at the idea of playing along ] [ Tom holds up one finger ]
Al Franken: First word! First word![ Tom holds up the turkey ]
Al Franken: Sounds like…[ Tom points at his neck ]
Al Franken: Neck!
Jackie Onassis: Collar!
Al Franken: Throat! Uh — uh — choking![ Tom now encourages Al on ]
Al Franken: Sounds like “choking”!
Jackie Onassis: Uhhh — choking — smoking — OH! Tom’s choking! He’s choking![ everyone laughs at Tom ] [ Tom pushes all the plates and utensils aside, clears a swatch of tablecloth and begins pouring gravy on it ]
Jackie Onassis: Wait a minute, what are —
Tom Schiller: Wait a minute! He’s writing something with the gravy!
Jackie Onassis: What is it?
Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Oh! Chicken!
Jackie Onassis: Chicken?
Al Franken: What’s he saying? Chun King! You want Chinese food?
Woman: Tokyo?[ Tom breakings down the two syllables with the gravy boat ]
All: CHO-KING! CHO-KING! CHO-KING!
Al Franken: Choking!
Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Choking!
Al Franken: Choking!
Jackie Onassis: [ frightened ] OH, MY GOD!! TOM’S CHOKING!!
Al Franken: OH, NO!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHAT DO YOU DO?! WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?![ Tom grabs Al and demonstrates the Heimlich Maneuver; Al, of course, doesn’t get it ]
Al Franken: YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU? DANCE WITH YOU? NO?![ Tom shoves Al aside ]
Jackie Onassis: [ running forward ] OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!! I UNDERSTAND!! WAIT A MINUTE!! LIKE THIS!![ Jackie grabs Tom from behind and administers the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge chunk of food flies out of Tom’s mouth. Everyone “eughs”. ] [ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]
Al Franken: Good night, everybody!
Tom Davis: Thanks a lot! Good night!
Al Franken: Good night! Good night, everybody![ pull out to wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Overcoming Your Fear of Widths” ] [ fade ]