SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 11/19/77: The Franken & Davis Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6












77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis
Jackie Onassis…..Gilda Radner
…..Tom Schiller
…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller

[ open on animated title sequence ]

Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Home Base, as Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]

Together: Thank you!!

Tom Davis: Thank you very much! You know, ladies and gentlemen, the ratings experts have told us that most of our young viewers out there only know Al and I from this, the new “Franken & Davis Show”, but that they’re really unfamiliar with the rest of our long and distinguished careers in this nutty business.

Al Franken: Well, right you are, Tom! And we’ve brought some pictures to show you young people of our early career, so could we look at those, Davey? I think they’d get a kick out of —

[ dissolve to photo #1: Al and Tom on-camera with Ed Sullivan ]

Al Franken V/O: It all started with our television debut in 1957 on “The Ed Sullivan Show”.

[ cut to photo #2: Al (pantsless) and Tom (both wearing sombreros) ]

Tom Davis V/O: That, of course, led to our own show: “The Lockheed Comedy Hour”.

[ cut to photo #3: Life Magazine’s “F&D Mania” cover story ]

Al Franken V/O: Now, by this time, the whole country was infected with Franken & Davis Mania, and every kid in America wanted curly hair and glasses.

[ cut to photo #3: title card for “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis” ]

Tom Davis V/O: Our next show, of course, the Norman Lear sitcom “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis”. It ran for only half a season because of its controversial nature.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: As you may remember, it was forced off the air by pressure from several Jewish organizations. Uh — soon after, Tom and I, uh — well, we broke up, we had some, uh, well-publicized financial disputes. Let’s not belabor them.

[ cut to photo #4: National Enquirer headline: “WE HATE EACH OTHER” ]

Al Franken V/O: But, uh, we went our separate ways —

[ cut to photo #5: poster: “The Concert For Bangladesh” ]

Al Franken V/O: I organized the Bangladesh concert, as part of my “Feed the Children” program.

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Tom Davis: I think a lot of that “Feed the Children” money is still in escrow. I think. Isn’t that right, Al?

Al Franken: [ meekly ] Right. We shouldn’t, uh, mention that…

Tom Davis: Yeah. [ he continues ] Well, then, of course, uh, I was in virtual seclusion, except for my annual Tom Davis Desert Classic —

[ cut to photo $6: Tom standing on a golf course ]

Tom Davis V/O: Here I am with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and boy what a game he had that day!

[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]

Al Franken: Boy, what a round. And, of course, as show biz legend has it, we were brought together by our… close and dear friend Jacqueline Onassis.

Tom Davis: That’s right! And, as a matter of fact, tonight that’s our special guest star on “The FRanken & Davis Show”! Won’t you give a warm welcome… to Jackie Onassis!

[ Onassis happily runs onto the stage, dressed in her outfit from the trip to Dallas fourteen years earlier ]

Tom Davis: Your sostuming and make-up are stunning, as usual, Jackie.

Jackie Onassis: Oh, thank you!

Al Franken: Jackie, as you know, uh — as you well know, I was a great admirer of your late husband.

Tom Davis: Well, I think we’re all great admirers of him.

Jackie Onassis: Well, uh — I think everyone remembers where he or she was when Aristotle Onassis died.

Al Franken: I know I do. Tom and I were at NBC Burbank, taping a Gold Diggers special, as a matter of fact.

Tom Davis: That’s — that’s right, Al. But, you know, if it wasn’t for this lady right here, I wouldn’t be here tonight. Because, about a year ago last Thanksgiving, I almost choked to death.

Al Franken: That’s right…

[ dissolve to the flashback, set inside Tom’s lavish Palm Springs apartment ]

Tom Davis V/O: You see, I had just invited a lot of show business and celebrity friends over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Jackie just happened to drop by. Fortunately, we had enough food. Fortunately… for me.

[ reveal Jackie at the table, yukking it up with Tom’s celebrity guests ]

Jackie Onassis: This part is really gonna kill ya’! So, the guy said —

Tom Davis: He said, “Wait a minute! Everyone, please hurry up and eat, because we’ve only got twenty minutes ’til kick-off, and I want to watch that game!”

Al Franken: Tom! Tom! You interrupted Jackie’s joke about the 500-pound gorilla!

Tom Davis: I’m sorry, Jackie — go ahead.

Jackie Onassis: That’s alright! [ she continues ] So, the guy says: “Anywhere he wants!”

[ the crowd roars with laughter, as Tom suddenly rises and begins to grab at his neck ]

Jackie Onassis: [ pointing ] Oh! Look at the funny faces Tom’s making!

[ everyone laughs at Tom, as he attempts to indicate to them that he’s choking ]

Al Franken: Wha — what are you doing, Tom? Charades? Charades!

[ everyone gets excited at the idea of playing along ] [ Tom holds up one finger ]

Al Franken: First word! First word!

[ Tom holds up the turkey ]

Al Franken: Sounds like…

[ Tom points at his neck ]

Al Franken: Neck!

Jackie Onassis: Collar!

Al Franken: Throat! Uh — uh — choking!

[ Tom now encourages Al on ]

Al Franken: Sounds like “choking”!

Jackie Onassis: Uhhh — choking — smoking — OH! Tom’s choking! He’s choking!

[ everyone laughs at Tom ] [ Tom pushes all the plates and utensils aside, clears a swatch of tablecloth and begins pouring gravy on it ]

Jackie Onassis: Wait a minute, what are —

Tom Schiller: Wait a minute! He’s writing something with the gravy!

Jackie Onassis: What is it?

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Oh! Chicken!

Jackie Onassis: Chicken?

Al Franken: What’s he saying? Chun King! You want Chinese food?

Woman: Tokyo?

[ Tom breakings down the two syllables with the gravy boat ]

All: CHO-KING! CHO-KING! CHO-KING!

Al Franken: Choking!

Marilyn Suzanne Miller: Choking!

Al Franken: Choking!

Jackie Onassis: [ frightened ] OH, MY GOD!! TOM’S CHOKING!!

Al Franken: OH, NO!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHO KNOWS WHAT TO DO?!! WHAT DO YOU DO?! WHAT DO YOU DO, TOM?!

[ Tom grabs Al and demonstrates the Heimlich Maneuver; Al, of course, doesn’t get it ]

Al Franken: YOU WANT ME TO HUG YOU? DANCE WITH YOU? NO?!

[ Tom shoves Al aside ]

Jackie Onassis: [ running forward ] OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!! I UNDERSTAND!! WAIT A MINUTE!! LIKE THIS!!

[ Jackie grabs Tom from behind and administers the Heimlich Maneuver. A huge chunk of food flies out of Tom’s mouth. Everyone “eughs”. ] [ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve back to Al and Tom onstage ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Thanks a lot! Good night!

Al Franken: Good night! Good night, everybody!

[ pull out to wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Overcoming Your Fear of Widths” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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