Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
Buck Henry: Uh, the date of the show that will be hosted by the one that you select, will be Decmber 17th. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] In this copy of TV Guide, the one that’s out this week, there is a ballot. [ he flips the magazine open ] Can you get a picture of that, David? Here it is.[ cut to close-up of the ballot ]
Buck Henry: This actual ballot will allow you to put a name, a letter, or a bizarre description of the candidate YOU wish to host on December 17th. Now, maybe they’d like to have a couple of words to say in their own defense. Governor! Letter A!
Richard Kneip: Buck, I just have to tell my eight sons personally —
Buck Henry: NOT by name! No, we don’t have enough time.
Richard Kneip: — and my staff, who have worked so hard to get me on this show, that, hey! I don’t want to do it! So, all you people
Buck Henry: Yuo heard it! He wants your vote, ladies and gentlemen! That’s the Guv, Letter A! And now, the co-ed, Letter B!
Connie Crawford: Well, because of this contest, I’m failing all my classes, so… if I host, at least I’ll be able to pass Drama.
Buck Henry: Terrific! Okay —
Connie Crawford: [ she rubs Buck’s ear ] Remember me, Buck…
Buck Henry: [ tingling ] I sure will, Connie! That’s the co-ed, Letter B! Letter C, the unemployed kid from Oregon. What do you have to say, David?
David Lewis: Well, you know, I was just thinking: you know, chastity is a virtue that’s overlooked by a lot of us.
Buck Henry: I hardly know what to answer to that, and I don’t think I will. Get back in line!
David Lewis: C! You know, like “C” for Chastity!
Buck Henry: Get back in line! D! Mom, from Peoria!
Deb Blair: I want to say something to everybody out there that’s ever had a mother: In honor of your mom, vote for D!
Buck Henry: Most of you have mothers, you may know what she’s talking about. Come on, Grandma! Letter E! What do you have to say?
Miskel Spillman: I just want to say I’ve had the most wonderful time of my life!
Buck Henry: Ah!
Miskel Spillman: In my whole 80 years, I’ve had the most wonderful time!
Buck Henry: Well, it’s been a great 80 years for us! [ Mrs. Spillman kisses Buck on the cheek ] Okay, folks! Thank you very much for coming! [ he looks past the contestants ] Cast? Come out! Thank you all very much, and good night![ dissolve to ANYONE CAN HOST slide ]
Announcer: Send your TV Guide ballot or postcard with your vote to:
ANYONE CAN HOST
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019
All ballots must be postmarked before November 13th, and you may vote for only one contestant.[ dissolve back to everyone waving at Home Base, as the credits begin to scroll ]
Announcer: Mr. Mike was Michael O’Donoghue. Next week, a “Saturday Night Live” repeat show, with host Lily Tomlin and musical guest James Taylor. We’ll be back, live, three weeks from tonight on December 10th, when our “Saturday Night” host will be Mary Kay Place with musical guest Willie Nelson, and Andy Kaufman. This is your old turkey, Don Pardo, inviting you to have a safe and sane Thanksgiving. Good night.