Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
Buck Henry’s Monologue
…..Gov. Richard Kneip
BUCK and FINALISTS take center stage.
Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. We will eschew the customary monologue because this is a very special show, as you already know. Out of 150,000 postcards sent in from all over the country, from every state in America, we have selected these five amazingly brave people standing behind me… to be the finalists in the ‘Anyone Can Host The Saturday Night Show’ contest. Now, we had of course to BURN two-thirds of the cards for obscenity and weirdness, and out of the others we’ve chosen these people, and we think that this is a good time for you to meet them. Because after all, one of these people, the one you pick, will host the Christmas show. That means you can use the ballot in TV Guide, or you can write us a letter or a postcard, defining exactly who you want to be the host on Christmas. So, let’s meet them all one at a time and get to know them. First of all, wearing the letter A, The Governor of South Dakota, Richard Kneip.
Yes, that’s right, a real live governor. Now, Governor, exactly what is it that makes you feel that you’re qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?
Gov. Dick Kneip: Well, Buck, you and others know, or think at least, that a fella by the name of Ford had a little trouble coming on this show, but I’ve got nine good reasons why I’d like to host the show. First of all, I’ve got 8 sons and a lovely wife, Nancy, I’ve got a good staff back home, they want me to do it, So I- y’know, I guess I think I could do it. A lot of people from, uh, South Dakota are known around the world. Uhhh…
Buck Henry: Could you name one or two of them?
Gov. Dick Kneip: Uhhh… my second cousin is the General Manager of the Los Angeles Rams; A good Democratic friend of mine that ran for Governor of South Dakota owns the, uh, Miami Dolphins… Uh…
Buck Henry: Okay! That’s two!
Gov. Dick Kneip: [beginning of line is off-mike and inaudible] -ran for president-
Buck Henry: Oh, there’s three-
Gov. Dick Kneip: -so this might be my claim to fame!
Buck Henry: OK, Governor, thank you very much. That’s Governor Kneip! Wearing the letter A!
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like you to meet… Connie Crawford, wearing the letter B!
Connie, come on down here. What, uh, what year are you in at, uh, Vassar, Connie?
Connie Crawford: I’m just a freshman.
Buck Henry: Just a freshman, and yet you had the nerve to come down here and expose yourself, so to speak, to this depraved audience. Exactly why do you think that you’re better qualified, or best qualified, to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?
Connie Crawford: I’ve been a groupie for two years!
Buck Henry: Of the show, or just of anyone in general?
Connie Crawford: [laughs] Ohhh, the show! This show, most definitely. I’m one of these nauseatingly enthusiastic-type people, you know, go for all the gusto you can get, that sort of thing… so, I’m in!
Buck Henry: Do you have any special talents?
Connie Crawford: Everything!
Buck Henry: Well, that is special! OK, Connie! Thanks a lot… that’s Connie Crawford!
Connie Crawford, with the letter B! And now third, wearing the letter C, David Lewis, the dropout! The unemployed kid from Oregon! C’mon, David!
Clearly, from the sound of the applause, there are a number of unemployed dropouts here… David… David, uh, what makes you think that, uh, this kind of job, hosting Saturday Night show [sic] is right for you?
Dave Lewis: Well, uh, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m unemployed, because I haven’t been unemployed for that long. You see, I- just until recently I worked as an interior decorator in a turkey farm. And, uh, I was grossly underpaid! and I wanted to ask for a raise, but you see the boss, he has this, uhhhhh… speech impediment. And, it’s kinda embarrassing to talk to him. But just this last week I… I- I couldn’t wait any longer. so I went into his office and I looked him straight in the eye and I said, “Look, you’re gonna give me a raise or I’m gonna host ‘Saturday Night!'” And he gets up from his desk, and I was scared, he looks at me and he goes:
[Dave then gobbles like a turkey. Seeing it is no funnier than reading it. Dave bombs.]
Buck Henry: OK, back to your position, letter C.
Obviously we didn’t throw ALL of the weird letters away. That’s David Crawford, uh, David Lewis, wearing the letter C. And now, meet Deb Blair, the mom, from Peoria!
Nice to see you, Deb! Now, what brings you all this way? What provoked you to write that card and tell us that you feel you are qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?
Deb Blair: Well, I have three sons back home in Peoria; Bill, Jody and Jonathon. And they only listen to people on TV. So I thought if I could host your show, maybe I could tell them something!
Buck Henry: That certainly makes a lot of sense. That’s Deb Blair, and she’s wearing the letter D! And now, ladies and gentlemen, last, certainly- CERTAINLY not least, wearing the letter E, remember the letter E, Mrs. Miskel Spillman, our grandma!
Mrs. Spillman, have you ever been in New York before?
Miskel Spillman: No, I’ve never been in New York, I’ve never been in an airplane.
Buck Henry: Really? Well, this is New York, the airplane was the thing that brought you here. Um-
Miskel Spillman: I think it’s marvelous-
Buck Henry: You do?
Miskel Spillman: I think New York’s wonderful.
Buck Henry: Well, we think you’re terrific to come here. Now, how did you happen to write that- that strange postcard that led you to this place?
Miskel Spillman: Well, I love everyone in the cast. I watch it every Saturday night. And I thought, as I am 80 years old, I want a lot of old, old people all over the world to watch it, to get the thrill that I have every Saturday night watching it.
Buck Henry: OK, folks-
-you’ve heard it, from Mrs. Spillman. She wants to thrill those 80-year-olds. So don’t forget- now you’re gonna see these people, you’re gonna see these folks throughout the show, in various places doing various bizarre things. Remember the letters: A is the gov! B is the co-ed! C is the unemployed kid! D is the mom! And E is granny! Please!
Submitted by: Tim Harrod