Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
A.M.O.A. Sanitized Motel
Spokesman… Dan Aykroyd
Maid… Garrett Morris
[Open on a heraldic crest for the American Motel Owners Association: A broad stripe with the letters AMOA divides a shield. Above the stripe is a drinking glass sealed in plastic, below it is an electric motel sign. Below the shield is a ribbon with the word “Sanitized.”] [A technical error prevents the DON PARDO voiceover from being properly heard. We can barely hear the words “American Motel Owners Association.”]
SPOKESMAN enters holding a wrapped, sanitized glass.
Spokesman: Did you know that there are over 800,000 motels in America? And did you know that “motel” means “service?” [Removes glass from wrapper] That means that we have to sanitize over 5 billion drinking glasses and commodes a year! How do motel glasses and toilet seats earn our sanitized wrapper seals? Watch![The camera pans away from SPOKESMAN and still pictures replace the crest via blue-screen.] [Pictures show a large tanker truck being dispatched to a motel and TECHNICIANS in protective suits entering with heavy equipment]
Seconds after the last guest has checked out of his room, a Sani-mobile lab unit like the one pictured here is dispatched to the motel requiring sanitization! Our crack team of sanitization technicians arrives at the motel, armed with the latest in modern motel sanitization equipment![Pictures show TECHNICIANS blasting bathroom fixtures with flame, then rinsing them]
Immediately they visit the contaminated bathroom, and ignite powerful buty-oxy-acetylene torches, providing a powerful gas flame which was developed during our Vietnam conflict! Soon they’re raising the temperature of all glass, chrome and porcelain to a scorching 1500 degrees Kelvin! Oooh! That’s enough to destroy all fungus or viral life for up to a thousand hours! Heat like that needs a special high-powered bath coolant hosedown of SO2 disinfectant and industrial perfumes to make motel bathrooms springtime fresh![Pictures show EXPERTS in lab coats and clipboards painstakingly examining the bathroom fixtures with instruments]
Next, trained experts from independent clinical laboratories perform a thorough final inspection after exhausting and rigorous tests![Pictures show MAID adding “Sanitized for your protection” wrappers to toilet seat and glasses]
With the inspectors’ clearance comes the real heroine of our story, a skilled motel service person who executes the laboratories’ decision with experience and mastery that only comes with years of motel service employment! The job is nearly done, the wrappers are in place, and this motel bathroom is as pure and antiseptic as a private hospital![Pictures show entire crew smiling]
The entire crew proudly salutes YOU, the motel guests, for making their work possible!
Crest re-appears, camera pans back to SPOKESMAN holding a toilet seat with sanitization strip]
So when you break that seal- [Opens the toilet seat, breaking the strip] -you know it’s- [peers through the hole of the seat] -Sanitized for your protection![Applause] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Farewell TV Appearance” ] [ fade ]
Thanks to Tim Harrod for this transcript!