Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
Mr. Dantley… Buck Henry
Samurai… John Belushi
[Open in a psychiatrist’s office. MR. DANTLEY, the patient, speaks while lying on the couch]
Mr. Dantley: Uh, you know, Doc, I’m starting to feel pretty good about things. I’ve been coming to see you twice a week for, uhhh… three years now, and I feel that we’ve made great progress! There’s just a few more things that I’d like you to help me clear up, and I’m confident that I’ll be a new man! How do you feel about that?[Pull out to reveal that SAMURAI is the psychiatrist. He scratches his chin through his robe and is non-commital toward the question.]
Don Pardo (V.O.): And now, another episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.” (applause)
Mr. Dantley: I’ll tell you something, I keep having this strange dream, and oddly enough, Doc, you’re in it. How do you account for that? Why should you be in my dream?
Mr. Dantley: Transference! Oh, yeah! You’re probably right, you’ve become sort of, uh, an authority figure to me, like my father.[Samurai gestures with his pencil as though smoking a pipe and conversing]
Mr. Dantley: And as strange as it may seem, at times you’re… even a mother figure to me.[Samurai ponders this, tapping his pencil repeatedly]
Mr. Dantley: Well, we’ve spoken about mother a number of times, yeah, I really love her. And that’s not unusual, is it, Doc? I mean, she was my first love, and you told me that was perfectly normal, that’s the normal Oedipus complex?[Samurai grunts in a “could be” manner, and slips his knife out of and into its sheath once]
Mr. Dantley: Now you say that I loved my mother, and my father was jealous of that love, which leads to, what did you call it?[Samurai pulls out his hari-kari knife and cuts two kumquats from a small tree between him and Dantley]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, yes, the castration complex! (laughter) But, what I’m wondering is, where does that leave me now? I’m a grown man, I have a good job, but I’m still a mama’s boy. Somehow, somehow I have to cut that old umbilical cord.[Samurai responds by producing a large sword and, with a shout, posing as if to bisect Dantley]
Mr. Dantley: Ohhh, no! I can do it, I’m sure I can work that one out alone, it’s not that, that, that, that difficult. But, what about my mother problem? It’s ruining my life, I need answers. You know? I don’t wanna hear about sex any more. That’s the thing about you, you strict Freudians, everything is based on sex! I’ll tell you what I think, I think that Freud must have been a real sicko, ’cause all he ever thought about was sex!
Mr. Dantley: Yeah![Samurai grunts and shows Dantley a photo of Sigmund Freud with what looks like a rolled-up dollar bill in his nose.]
Mr. Dantley: Sex… oh, yes, sex and cocaine. But what about my mother problem, doc? What can I do about it?[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Free association? Well, sure, I mean, we’ve done it before, but I’ll try anything at this point. All right. Let’s go.[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: White.[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Cold.[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: What was that?
Mr. Dantley: Down.[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Cat.[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Princess Anne. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You said-[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: “-Mom,” and I answered “Princess Anne.” A logical response to-[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: “-Mom” would have been “dad,” but I said “Princess Anne…” which was my father’s nickname! (laughter) So of course, it’s really a father problem I have. That’s it, but, Doc, why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I mean, [angrily gets up from couch] it’s so obvious now, after three years of therapy, I have now come to realize this, it seems to me you’ve wasted my time! My time and my money!
Mr. Dantley: You know something? I think you’re nothing but a quack! Yes, a quack![Samurai kneels on the couch, produces his hari-kari knife and motions as if about to kill himself. He seems to expect Dantley will stop him, but Dantley just watches]
Mr. Dantley: Okay, go ahead with it! For three years now, you’ve been threatening to do this, but this time I’m not gonna stop you! And besides, you can’t fool me, that’s not even a hari-kari knife![Samurai grunts, sounding much like “Oh, yeah?”]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah![Samurai plunges the knife into his stomach and goes through various slapstick death throes]
Mr. Dantley: Doc, you did it, you’re not bluffing! I thought you were bluffing![Samurai grunts in pain]
Mr. Dantley: Does it really hurt?
Mr. Dantley: I can’t believe it! I’m terribly sorry![Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “small consolation now,” then grunts more pain]
Mr. Dantley: Doc, Doc, I never meant this to happen, believe me![Samurai grunts in pain]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah… Do you have any last words you’d like to say?[Samurai grunts some last Japanese-sounding gibberish before expiring]
Mr. Dantley: He said… “Losebud.” [Rhyming with “Rosebud”]
Don Pardo (V.O.): This has been the last episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.”
Submitted by: Tim Harrod