SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 11/19/77: Samurai Psychiatrist


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Samurai Psychiatrist

Mr. Dantley… Buck Henry
Samurai… John Belushi

[Open in a psychiatrist’s office. MR. DANTLEY, the patient, speaks while lying on the couch]

Mr. Dantley: Uh, you know, Doc, I’m starting to feel pretty good about things. I’ve been coming to see you twice a week for, uhhh… three years now, and I feel that we’ve made great progress! There’s just a few more things that I’d like you to help me clear up, and I’m confident that I’ll be a new man! How do you feel about that?

[Pull out to reveal that SAMURAI is the psychiatrist. He scratches his chin through his robe and is non-commital toward the question.]

Don Pardo (V.O.): And now, another episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.” (applause)

Mr. Dantley: I’ll tell you something, I keep having this strange dream, and oddly enough, Doc, you’re in it. How do you account for that? Why should you be in my dream?

[Samurai, now keeping notes with a pad and pencil, grunts in three syllables]

Mr. Dantley: Transference! Oh, yeah! You’re probably right, you’ve become sort of, uh, an authority figure to me, like my father.

[Samurai gestures with his pencil as though smoking a pipe and conversing]

Mr. Dantley: And as strange as it may seem, at times you’re… even a mother figure to me.

[Samurai ponders this, tapping his pencil repeatedly]

Mr. Dantley: Well, we’ve spoken about mother a number of times, yeah, I really love her. And that’s not unusual, is it, Doc? I mean, she was my first love, and you told me that was perfectly normal, that’s the normal Oedipus complex?

[Samurai grunts in a “could be” manner, and slips his knife out of and into its sheath once]

Mr. Dantley: Now you say that I loved my mother, and my father was jealous of that love, which leads to, what did you call it?

[Samurai pulls out his hari-kari knife and cuts two kumquats from a small tree between him and Dantley]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, yes, the castration complex! (laughter) But, what I’m wondering is, where does that leave me now? I’m a grown man, I have a good job, but I’m still a mama’s boy. Somehow, somehow I have to cut that old umbilical cord.

[Samurai responds by producing a large sword and, with a shout, posing as if to bisect Dantley]

Mr. Dantley: Ohhh, no! I can do it, I’m sure I can work that one out alone, it’s not that, that, that, that difficult. But, what about my mother problem? It’s ruining my life, I need answers. You know? I don’t wanna hear about sex any more. That’s the thing about you, you strict Freudians, everything is based on sex! I’ll tell you what I think, I think that Freud must have been a real sicko, ’cause all he ever thought about was sex!

[Samurai grunts questioningly]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah!

[Samurai grunts and shows Dantley a photo of Sigmund Freud with what looks like a rolled-up dollar bill in his nose.]

Mr. Dantley: Sex… oh, yes, sex and cocaine. But what about my mother problem, doc? What can I do about it?

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Free association? Well, sure, I mean, we’ve done it before, but I’ll try anything at this point. All right. Let’s go.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: White.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Cold.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: What was that?

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Down.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Cat.

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: Princess Anne. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You said-

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: “-Mom,” and I answered “Princess Anne.” A logical response to-

[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]

Mr. Dantley: “-Mom” would have been “dad,” but I said “Princess Anne…” which was my father’s nickname! (laughter) So of course, it’s really a father problem I have. That’s it, but, Doc, why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I mean, [angrily gets up from couch] it’s so obvious now, after three years of therapy, I have now come to realize this, it seems to me you’ve wasted my time! My time and my money!

[Samurai grunts in protest]

Mr. Dantley: You know something? I think you’re nothing but a quack! Yes, a quack!

[Samurai kneels on the couch, produces his hari-kari knife and motions as if about to kill himself. He seems to expect Dantley will stop him, but Dantley just watches]

Mr. Dantley: Okay, go ahead with it! For three years now, you’ve been threatening to do this, but this time I’m not gonna stop you! And besides, you can’t fool me, that’s not even a hari-kari knife!

[Samurai grunts, sounding much like “Oh, yeah?”]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah!

[Samurai plunges the knife into his stomach and goes through various slapstick death throes]

Mr. Dantley: Doc, you did it, you’re not bluffing! I thought you were bluffing!

[Samurai grunts in pain]

Mr. Dantley: Does it really hurt?

[Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “What do you think?!?!”]

Mr. Dantley: I can’t believe it! I’m terribly sorry!

[Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “small consolation now,” then grunts more pain]

Mr. Dantley: Doc, Doc, I never meant this to happen, believe me!

[Samurai grunts in pain]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah… Do you have any last words you’d like to say?

[Samurai grunts some last Japanese-sounding gibberish before expiring]

Mr. Dantley: He said… “Losebud.” [Rhyming with “Rosebud”]

Don Pardo (V.O.): This has been the last episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.”

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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