Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
…..Anyone Can Host Finalists
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner
Don Pardo (V.O.): And now, Weekend Update, with the Weekend Update news team! Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin!
Dan Aykroyd: I’m Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: I’m Jane Curtin.
Our top story tonight: [Photo of Anwar Sadat behind Jane] Anwar Sadat arrived in Jerusalem today and immediately went on a sightseeing tour. If he has time, Sadat said he will address the Knesset and meet with Menachem Begin. If not, he will fly back to Egypt which has declared war on itself in protest of his visit.[Photo of Lillian Carter with her hair windblown and disheveled]
Presidential mother Lillian Carter was electrocuted last night trying to climb the protective fence around the White House; she got a jolt of 15,000 volts. President Carter was extremely upset over the incident, saying he thought the fence had been turned off as part of his energy-saving program.[“Medicine” Graphic behind Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: And a breakthrough in genetics. At Sloan-Kettering Medical Center in New York, doctors have discovered the genetic messenger that tells the fetus to become a boy or a girl. Update science editor Arthur Chirquin has given us a glimpse as to how this messenger operates.
According to Dr. Chirquin, all fetuses are born female, they have two X chromosomes, only in the presence of the Y chromosome-[Behind DAN, a comically crude drawing of a man holding an envelope marked “Y” rides a bicycle. “ARTIST’S RENDERING” appears under the drawing]
-delivered by the messenger, does the child become a male. With the genetically coded message in hand he speeds toward the ovum and the sperm-[New drawing: The bicycle man speeds past an arrow-shaped sign reading “CONCEPTION MOTEL”]
-to the point of conception. Here he must prove to be a swift messenger, for if he’s tardy, the child will remain female.
And not a moment too soon does he approach his destination, and discreetly deliver the Y chromosome to the expectant couple. Did he make it in time?[New drawing: A man and woman in bed triumphantly hold up the “Y” envelope.]
Yes! It’s a boy! [DAN laughs, hands JANE a cigar, and places another in his mouth.]
Jane Curtin: Ha, ha, ha! Thanks!
Dan Aykroyd: That’s wonderful! [Lights cigars] Congratulations, Jane!
Jane Curtin: Oh, thank you, Dan!
Dan Aykroyd: Thanks. Thanks a lot. I… I… I kind of feel… touched. Even though it was just a story, and…
Jane Curtin: Well, it was an easy birth, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah.[Behind JANE, a photo of Jimmy Hoffa]
Jane Curtin: The family of missing Teamster Boss Jimmy Hoffa has seen the film “Star Wars” 36 times, and this week a family spokesperson said that they believe that the little robot R2-D2 is actually Hoffa. [Hoffa fades to R2-D2 photo] The family recognized certain mannerisms, including the walk, head gestures, and especially vocal sounds which they say are strikingly similar to buzzes and clicks Hoffa used to make while eating.
Motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was sentenced to spend his nights and weekends in prison for assaulting a man with a baseball bat. When asked if he was sorry about the attack, Knievel said that he wasn’t, and that he was preparing himself for his next stunt, in which he will attempt to jump bail.
Well, in spite of Sadat’s visit to Egypt[sic], the most important story tonight is actually Saturday Night’s “Anyone Can Host” contest. and correspondent Laraine Newman is here with the five finalists. Laraine?[Cut to Laraine in locker room]
Laraine Newman: Well, Jane, we’re almost halfway through with this week’s show, and I have here the five “Anyone Can Host” finalists. [To DICK] Governor, has the show been different from what you had expected?
Dick: Well, I… I really haven’t had a chance to say much, and I would like to give a speech about-
Laraine Newman: Well, thank you, uh, Governor. Uh, now Connie, the co-ed, do you think you have much of a chance of winning?
Connie: I don’t know, I haven’t done much and I really don’t- I wanna show more of my talent!
Laraine Newman: OK, well, dear, we will. Now Dave, the unemployed guy from Oregon. I suppose you have some plans for that $3000.
Dave: Well, yeah, I think I’ll get a car, uh, get a nice apartment here in New York, live it up for a year, and… with whatever’s left over I think I’ll buy savings bonds.
Laraine Newman: OK! Now Deb, the mother from Peoria, I suppose you have something to say to your three sons out there at home
Deb: Oh, yes, I sure do. Boys? I just wanted to tell-
Laraine Newman: Thank you, Mrs. Spillman[sic]. Now, Mrs. Spillman! Uh… you’re old!
Miskel: I’m old.
Laraine Newman: How do you feel?
Laraine Newman: OK, there you have it, our five finalists, in depth. Good luck to you all, back to you, Jane.[JANE, back at newsdesk, is still smoking her cigar]
Jane Curtin: This just in: the Surgeon General has determined that warnings are dangerous to your health.
Dan Aykroyd: A sidelight to the Sadat-Israel visit story: Aboard the Egyptian leader’s plane today were some of the world’s most prestigious journalists, including NBC’s John Chancellor, CBS’s Walter Cronkite and Screw Magazine’s Al Goldstein. (laughter)
And, uh, I believe also in attendance, uh, was Baba Wawa! Weekend Update’s Baba Wawa, [Applause] she has a special report I understand, uh, from Israel.[Two-shot of JANE and DAN. Between them, a screen showing BABA.]
Jane Curtin: That’s right, Dan, and I think she’s with us now!
Dan Aykroyd: Baba, how- can you hear us okay there?[BABA does not seem to hear them.]
Dan Aykroyd: Ba- Baba?
Jane Curtin: Can you hear us, Baba?
Baba Wawa: Uh, Hewo everybody! Hew I am in Jewusawem!
Jane Curtin: Baba, what is the situation there?
Baba Wawa: Oh, they’re tweating me tewifficawy! I fwew first-cwass and they put me up in the Jewusawem Howiday Inn. Onwy here, they caw it the HIGH Howiday Inn! (laughs) That’s a wittew Iswaewi joke.
Dan Aykroyd: Baba, we understand from our sources that security is a major concern there. is this true?
Baba Wawa: Oh, absowutewy twue, Dan! I have a doubwe wock for pwotection on my doew.
Jane Curtin: Baba, have you spoken to any of the other dignitaries that are there, like Moshe Dyan, Abba Eban, Golda Meir…
Baba Wawa: Ohhh, Jane, I did bettew than that!
Jane Curtin: Really? Who?
I had wunch with Omah Shawif! and we have a wendezvous tomowow to pway bwidge!
Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh…
Baba Wawa: Hewo?
Dan Aykroyd: Baba?
Baba Wawa: Hewo?
Dan Aykroyd: Hello, Baba?
Baba Wawa: Wight.
Dan Aykroyd: Yes, uh, Baba, many- many people feel, in the press, that Sadat must return to Egypt with something, uh, substantial. What, what do you think his chances are?
Baba Wawa: Excewent. They’s a wovewy wittle gift shop in the hoteh wobby, whay you can buy wots of memowabiwia.
Jane Curtin: Baba, are you going to cover Sadat’s address to the Knesset tomorrow?
Baba Wawa: Oh, I don’t think so. Tomowow I have to fwy to Pawis to inteview Wee Wadwell. So, Dan and Jane, as they say in Iswayoh: Shawom!
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news tonight.
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you and good night.
Don Pardo (V.O.): Weekend Update is a presentation of Saturday Night News- keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century!
Submitted by: Tim Harrod