Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
The Finalists in Buck’s Suite
Buck Henry: Now, of course, we all know how much importance rests on your decision about who will be the finalist… who will ultimately host the Christmas evening show. And there’s a great deal at stake for each of these five wonderful people. That’s why we’re relying on you, to make the decision, ultimately, for us. When thye first came here a few days ago, in order to appear on the show, uh — we spent some time talking to them. What happened was this: the day before they came to the first run-through of the show, each of them, oddly — and aparently not knowing the others had done it — gave me a call in the hotel — the beautiful Essex House, where we’re all staying — and each one said, “I wonder if I could, you know, have a few minutes alone with you, Buck.” I assumed it was to ask about the show, to ask about their performance, to give them an idea of what we were relying on them to do when they came here tonight. So, I said, “Sure, come on up,” and I had each of them come up, one at a time, but… in the meantime, I called Gary Weis, and he and his crack film crew came up and hid a camera in the living room of my lavish suite. And what you’re going to see now is what actually took place when each of the five finalists came to visit me in my suite.[ dissolve to the film, which opens on Buck seated on the couch as Connie Crawford joins him ]
Connie Crawford: Hi!
Buck Henry: Congratulations on being one of the finalists.
Connie Crawford: Thank you.
Buck Henry: It’s terrific.
Connie Crawford: Oh, I know! [ she laughs ]
Buck Henry: I guess everyone up at, uh —
Connie Crawford: Vassar.
Buck Henry: — Vassar, is pretty excited?
Connie Crawford: Oh, yeah! most definitely! [ she edges closer to Buck on the couch ] They’re all, you know, quite excited. [she places her hands over Buck’s ] I am, too. This is a… big thing for me.
Buck Henry: Well, uh — well, it’s nice for us, too.
Connie Crawford: You know, I’m certainly glad that you’re the host. It’s just that if anyone else was the host, I wouldn’t know what to do — I wouldn’t — I don’t know, I wouldn’t know how to feel comfortable… [ she begins to rub Buck’s head ] Somehow with you, I’m… instantly comfortable!
Buck Henry: [ nervous ] Mmm-hmm. Are you, sort of, interested in becoming a…
Connie Crawford: A hostess? Oh, am I interested! I’ve never been this interested in my life! To anything! Do me a favor — just one.
Buck Henry: Sure.
Connie Crawford: Take off your glasses. [ she pulls Buck’s glasses off ] Aww, that’s what I like to see!
Buck Henry: Well, Connie…
Connie Crawford: Bucky boy![ she grabs hold of him and pulls him down on the couch ] [ cut to Buck seated on the couch with Dave ]
Buck Henry: You wanted to talk to me for a couple of minutes about something?
David Lewis: Well, yes, I was. When I was coming over on the plane, I was thinking about how good life is… and walking through the Oregon woods and the trees, tall, and your hair smells so good in the pine. And right after it rains, it just smells so fresh… the Canadian geese flying over, and, even if it’s overcast, you just… you just feel good walking in the woods – animals and chipmunks and little birds, I mean… they practically eat out of your hand. I mean, you could just pick them up and queenze them, until their eyes pop out![ Buck is visibly disturbed, as Dave goes to shake his hand ]
Buck Henry: Nice talking to you, David. [ he struggles to free his grip ] [ cut to Deb Blair talking to Buck on the couch ]
Deb Blair: You know, I’m divorced and I have three sons that I’m trying to raise alone. And that’s why I entered the contest, because I’m not going to be able to afford Christmas this year.
Buck Henry: Thanks for coming up, Deb.
Deb Blair: Do you think I can win now? [ Buck smiles ] Thank you! [ she reaches over to kiss his cheek ] [ cut to Richard Kneip sitting next to Buck on the couch ]
Richard Kneip: — Now, we’ve got some, uh — gold mines in South Dakota. The state has been looking at that for some time now, and, if we did take it over, I thought you might want to be the new Secretary of Mining. Would that help you make a decision?
Buck Henry: Is there a Secretary of Mining?
Richard Kneip: Not right now. But, depending on what might happen in the case of hosting this show, we might think about creating a new position in the cabinet.[ Buck stares at the camera, more perturbed than intrigued ] [ the governor adjusts a ring on his right hand ]
Buck Henry: What’s that, Governor?
Richard Kneip: This, uh — Black Hills gold.
Buck Henry: It’s very, very beautiful.
Richard Kneip: You’re right. Uh — [ he removes the ring ] Would that help?
Buck Henry: [ confused ] Well… you mean, let me wear it for a bit?
Richard Kneip: Well, yeah — just take a look at it, maybe think about the, uh — the offer I just made you.
Buck Henry: Thank you, Governor. This is a kind of an insight into politics for me…[ cut to Buck on the couch with Miskel Spillman ]
Buck Henry: You wanted to talk to me about something?
Miskel Spillman: I met the other four contestants, and I think they’re wonderful. I think any of them would be good.
Buck Henry: Mmm-hmm.
Miskel Spillman: Uh — I don’t want to interfere with your decision-making process in any way.
Buck Henry: Yeah?
Miskel Spillman: I don’t want to interfere with the way the host is selected during Christmas.
Buck Henry: [ he nods ]
Miskel Spillman: Something’s going to happen around New Year’s.
Buck Henry: What’s that?
Miskel Spillman: I’m going to kick.[ Buck stares at her dumbfoundedly, as the film ends ] [ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Brushes Teeth Diagonally” ] [ fade ]