Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 7
Married in a Minute!
Susie…..Mary Kay Place
Magician’s Assistant…..Karen Roston
Prince of France…..Bill Murray
King of France…..Tom Davis
[ open on stock footage of New York City in the 1960’s ]
Announcer: New York City, 1961. Soaring unemployment, plunging incomes, and inadequate housing. New York, where the ratio of available bachelors to bachelorettes is 35 to 2. And the odds of running into someone you can stand are a million to one. But despite this, New York, in movies like these, in which four young gals arrive with no money, no friends, and no place to go, they always end up getting rich, famous, and… “Married in a Minute!”[ dissolve to swanky hotel room, as Bellhop drags in luggage followed by four young women ]
Jane: Can you believe it? The Imperial Royal Presidential Suite at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel! I can’t believe we loaned a Kleenex to that eccentric millionaire at the bus station, and he was so grateful to us that he told us we could have this suite for the REST OF OUR LIVES!!
Laraine: Wasn’t that nice!
Susie: [ to the bellhop ] Oh! Here’s a penny. I’m sorry it couldn’t be more, but we didn’t know that New York was gonna be so expensive. I mean, the cab ride from the bus statino was gonna cost $843!
Bellhop: [ smiling ] A penny. That’s okay. Your niceness makes up for it![ he exits ]
Gilda: Oh, nooooo! Here we are in New York City with NO money left– [ she glances at some flowers ] Oh, no! Behind the flowers — look! Here’s a million dollars!![ the girls scream with delight ]
Laraine: Wow! I guess our money problems are over! …For a little while, anyway.[ the phone rings ]
Susie: I’ll get it! [ she answers ] Hello! Uh, no, I’m sorry, this isn’t Famous Actresses, Incorporated. Yuo musth ave the wrong num– Huh? Oh, yes! There IS an actress here! Well, of course, I could! You’re kidding! To play the LEAD in a Broadway show, in case the star gets sick! Well, of course, I’ll be– The star’s sick NOW?! OH, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! Oh, sure! I’ll be right down in a jiff! Oh, hey — Thanks![ the girls scream with delight ]
Gilda: [ picking up a card by some flowers ] Oh, look! There’s this card, and it’s addressed to ME! [ she opens the card ] “Saw you in the lobby. Won’t you be my date at the Coronation Ball? Signed: The Prince of France!” [ she swoons ] I can’t! All I have to wear is THIS old thing! [ she picks up a natty dress ]
Susie: Wait a minute! You’re just about my size! I think I have something that you can wear, if I can just find it! [ she roots through her luggage ] Here it is! [ she hands a package over ] It’s an old thing, but it MIGHT work!
Laraine: I’ve got some shoes! [ she hands a box over ]
Gilda: Oh, thanks!
Jane: Purse and accessories, right here! [ she hands a box over ]
Gilda: Oh, you guys are just the BEST friends a gal EVER had! [ she runs off to change ]
Laraine: But… how will I get my modeling career off the ground and meet the man of my dreams? I don’t even feel like trying any more…[ a Magician and his assistant stumble into the room ]
Magician: Problems! Problems! We can’t even find the correct room! This is not my room! [ he sees Laraine ] Wait! There she is! The woman I have WAITED for… to be in my ads for my Hungarian perfume! A fashion model! I was looking for her! Out of 500,000 women, I’ve been looking for her! But this one here is the one I FOUND! The one I really want to MARRY because I was going to give up looking just a SECOND ago, but here she is!! [ he rushes over to her ] Here! A million-dollar contract! And… [ he removes his hat and kneels ] A marriage proposal!
Laraine: Oh! I’ll need a little time to think it over!
Magician: Take all the time you want! I’ll wait until the small second hand gets on the three! [ he looks at his watch ]
Laraine: Okay, I’ll do it! Okay!
Magician: Okay, great!!
Susie: Well, I’m off to the theater! [ she runs into the bellhop, who carries a trayful of dirt ] Oh! Excuse me! [ she picks up a note ] Oh, a note! Here! [ reading ] “Please accept this big pile of dirt. Love, A Secret Admirer!” Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept such a nice thing!
Bellhop: [ he smiles weakly ] Oh, well… I tried.
Susie: You mean… it was from you?
Bellhop: Well, I wanted to give you sometihng to express how I felt, and I-I-I can’t offer you very much, so…[ Susie smiles with joy, as Gilda enters the room in her borrowed clothes ]
Gilda: Do I look all right?
Prince of France: Oh, Father, I love her, even though I can’t marry her because she’s a commoner! Oh, PLEASE, Father! Can’t I give up the throne?! PLEA-EA-EA-EASE??! Even though it would mean the overthrowing of my government, the end of our coutnry, the free world, democracy as we know it, and KILL you from grief!
King of France: Well… alright![ the Prince hugs the King and kisses Gilda ]
Gilda: Oh! But what about my career as the person who comes to your house and rearranges mostly yellow flowers?
Prince of France: You can be that… AND a queen![ the Prince kisses Gilda again ]
Jane: Gee… things don’t seem to be working out for me. Maybe New York’s not my kind of town. I… think I’ll give up and go home…
Bellhop: [ pointing ] Look! On that ledge! That man’s about to jump, and he won’t listen to ANYBODY!!
Jane: Get in here! [ a beat ] Oh! It worked!
Bellhop: You get the TEN BILLION DOLLARS!!
Magician: A reward!
Jane: Yeah, but… what about a husband and a career? [ she looks down ] Wait! What’s this?! [ she opens the letter and reads ] “Whoever finds this note, gets a career and is PERFECT in it for the rest of her life! signed: GOD!!”
Gilda: Oh, well! THAT takes care of the career![ suddenly, a cowboy enters and walks up to Jane ]
Cowboy: I love you, Honey! What about you and me tie the knot?
Jane: Well… what the hay![ they laugh ]
Bellhop: [ to Susie ] Wait! I have a confession to make. I’m not really a Black bellhop; I’m a White millionaire posing as a Black bellhop. I’m trying to find someone who’ll love me for me.
Jane: [ excited ] Let’s ALL get married, RIGHT NOW!!
All: HOW??!![ suddenly, a Priest stps out of the closet ]
Laraine: There’s a priest!
Bellhop: Yeah! And here are FOUR diamond rings I always carry with me in case I meet FOUR girls who want to get married right away all at the same time! [ he distributes the rings ]
Priest: I now pronounce you Man and Wife.[ all the couples kiss ]
Laraine: Hey, come on! Let’s go see Susie on her opening night!
Cowboy: Yeah! And dinner here at the hotel’s on ME! I OWN THE PLACE!![ everyone cheers and exits the room ] [ pull out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Luncheon Counters of the Third Kind” ] [ fade ]